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Finally fancy him but...

(90 Posts)
pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:34:57

I know I'm up for flaming here (thus the namechange), but I'll tell the background.

I have a good friend, we've been very close for about 8 years. For the first year he fancied me terribly but I didn't fancy him. He then got a girlfriend for a few years, then they broke up. We had a few snogs but nothing more - I wasn't all that interested then. He got another girlfriend and has been seeing her for several years. They live together.

We are still very close. We text almost daily, and have done for years. We visit each other and stay over in each other's beds (although nothing happens, although he used to fondle my hair sometimes if we were a bit pissed). We go out just with each other, rarely with her as well. If she does come out it's a very different night, and then she goes to bed while we stay up and giggle for hours. Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together and "would put money on it"- including the three different groups of strangers we met on a night out last Friday. At the end of the night we were pissed and walking down the street holding hands. There were one or two moments where I pulled away because I thought we might kiss. We went out for after work drinks again yesterday and do weekly.

I'm starting to realise that I actually really do fancy him after all.

I just think he needs to get his head sorted because if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't want him to treat another woman like he does me. It's not right. I can see that. He doesn't know that I've changed my mind. It's never been on the agenda - just good friends, although clearly a bit closer than it should be.

What do I do?

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:34:43

superstar that's what I'm trying to work out. Do I admit how I feel, or just forget it?

Solidgold that's not actually how I feel at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 20:36:34

sgb is right

izzyizin Thu 06-Dec-12 20:36:40

He's 10 years younger than you but now he's older it feels different. How old is he? How old is his gf?

Do you have dc? Is this a case of your biological clock ticking down and you have no other sperm donors in view?

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:42:12

Well, she does know about me.

We've been very good friends for years.

I've never particularly wanted kids. Don't have any. This isn't a driving force.

He was 22 when we met and I was 32. So he was too young for me then.

I don't intend to kiss him on NYE fgs. We have been good friends for yonks. This is the point. I don't know if that's all there is to this, on both sides.

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:42:12

He's having a whale of a time isn't he? He has it all, really, without having to do anything bar lie by omission (and I am pretty sure that is what he's doing to his gf.).

I think you need to examine why after all this time of being pretty intimate in all ways, bar sexually, without being interested, you have NOW decided you fancy him in particular.

Are you just lonely for a man in your life, rather than him.?

He's shown you what he is capable of as a partner, you have said you wouldn't want to be treated like he is treating his gf, so hold those thoughts. I'd start having look round for an available guy.

peppercold Thu 06-Dec-12 20:47:19

I cant imagine she would be ok with the two of you sharing a bed.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 06-Dec-12 20:51:22

See, on the one hand you say,
"I do hate the fact that I'm considering pushing in on another woman's man",

yet you comment
"Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together"

(and this you know how?) excluding his girlfriend, I bet.

You refer to him talking about her "moaning", I'm not clairvoyant but I can take a guess about what.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:53:00

But why integrate with his family on a family occasion? I would be embarressed to do that, especially with your thoughts. She doesn't know about you. Is she his age? What are you going to do when he proposes to her NYE? He might, you know.

He is not a good friend. He is someone you fancy and he is living with someone else, who he makes plans with, like christmas and NYE, holidays.

Leave these people alone and find some friends and find a boyfriend who likes you enough that you dont have to text him all the time. Get over yourself a bit, and see how this is stopping you from finding real happiness.

If he was into you, he would be with you. And you wouldnt put up with anything less.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 20:54:26

That poor woman he lives with.

Doinmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 20:56:24

We've been very good friends for years

Well don't mess about with her fella then.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 21:00:48

pepper I agree. I don't understand that either.

donkey I know that because I/we have been told that by all of our mutual friends for years. We have just laughed it off, because I wasn't interested. I don't really understand what you think she is moaning about <thick emoticon>

lavender She does know about me - I said that upthread. I don't text him all the time. My point is: he wanted to be with me for ages, I said no, he still acts like he wants to be with me, I've changed my mind and think it would be fab to be with him - what do I do? What if he still wants to be with me? Is it worth investigating?

I have no interest in touching a sore spot with anyone.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 21:01:34

Doin no - he and I have been good friends for years.

ErikNorseman Thu 06-Dec-12 21:03:45

You aren't just friends though, are you? Friends don't text daily, sleep in each other's beds, fondle each other's hair, hold hands and almost kiss. You are having an emotional affair with him. you are being a dick, he is being a dick. Back off him, and tell him why. If you genuinely have a friendship then it will survive - if you are secretly in love with each other he will dump the GF and you will be together, most likely this 'friendship' will die when it doesn't get the oxygen of this bizarre ego trip you are both on. Honestly - you must be at least 35 right? Far too old to behave like this.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:05:36

Who cares what your friends say ?

if they said jump off a bridge...etc

Who am I talking to here ? A grown woman or my teenage daughter. I'm not too sure.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 21:07:00

Erik that is sound advice - to tell him that this is an emotional affair and see what happens next. I think that is the problem, we aren't just friends, never have been despite his going out with other women.

I'm not looking forward to it but I think it does need to be said out loud.

ErikNorseman Thu 06-Dec-12 21:07:53

I think it's past time.

HMG83 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:20:36

Oh fgs! Some of you come across so black and white and just nasty.

Sometimes in life people don't communicate their true feelings and marry or get with people who they probably aren't best suited to and then they find they fancy and want someone else.

It's not right but it's life!

OP, you have to tell him your feelings. Only then can you make a decision - get together/see if it works or back off and be "just" friends.

I'm sorry, but sod the gf if he really wants you and is prepared to do the right thing and break it off with her!

neontetra Thu 06-Dec-12 21:21:37

If I were you to be honest I would tell him how you feel. He can end his relationship, hopefully nicely, if he feels the same. Your life is too short to miss out on a relationship which might make you really happy. Take a risk! Sorry to buck the trend, but there it is.

FruitShootingStar Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:56

Whilst I get what some of you are says about 'having to tell him' so he can make a decision, I think that's only even worth considering if the OP is sure she loves him and wants a committed, mature relationship with him..

Her OP says she 'fancies' him. Perhaps because now she can't have him. Is it really right to break up an engagement - or at the very least - muddy the waters - because you've decide you would quite like to shag someone after all?

I don't think so. OP had her 'chance' for that when they were both single so should only say something if her feelings and intentions go beyond 'fancying'.

I feel sorry for the poor girlfriend.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 21:34:04

The only thing remotely nasty is op being led on on leading this man on in thinking they have a future when he is living with his gf of two years but nipping over to hers for a mindfuck.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:36:11

Yeah, egging the op on to declare her "feelings" seems rather baiting to me

the best advice I would give Op is to find another "boyfriend" and stop making a tit of yourself with someone else's

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 06-Dec-12 21:49:03

"black and white and just nasty"

I think people here have been pretty non-judgey tbh. I am not intending nastiness if I say I think the OP is being a bit disingenuous.

No bearing on her situation but I cannot think of 1 woman I know who would not be 'in the driving seat' with a man 10 years her junior.

Anyway good luck.

HMG83 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:49:31

Oh yeh, I guess she should keep her thoughts to herself eh and live a life full of "what ifs".

No, don't be ridiculous. Be open, he'll put you straight about his feelings and then you can move on with or without him. You only get one life.

Could you imagine if they marry while he secretly holds a flame for you OP but never had the balls to say anything because of your earlier "chance" that never was?

It's awful and eventually ruins lives spectacularly. Best get it out now with no marriage or children on the scene.

Don't live a life full of regret - it's soul destroying.

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:51:47

"lavender She does know about me - I said that upthread".

Sorry, I may have missed something, but you said you "presumed" she knew about you. That's not quite the same.

And knowing he has a female good mate is different to knowing what exactly goes on between you.

You have said yourself you wouldn't want any partner of yours behaving like this witha friend, s.o you know the

I wouldn't tell him, I'd start looking for someone available, but I'm not you. Also I would be very careful, before you throw a potential grenade into their relationship, that you don't end up minus your friend completely.

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:53:00

God typos. Sorry!

"You know he's untrustworthy as a partner" is what I meant to say

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