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Finally fancy him but...

(90 Posts)
pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:34:57

I know I'm up for flaming here (thus the namechange), but I'll tell the background.

I have a good friend, we've been very close for about 8 years. For the first year he fancied me terribly but I didn't fancy him. He then got a girlfriend for a few years, then they broke up. We had a few snogs but nothing more - I wasn't all that interested then. He got another girlfriend and has been seeing her for several years. They live together.

We are still very close. We text almost daily, and have done for years. We visit each other and stay over in each other's beds (although nothing happens, although he used to fondle my hair sometimes if we were a bit pissed). We go out just with each other, rarely with her as well. If she does come out it's a very different night, and then she goes to bed while we stay up and giggle for hours. Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together and "would put money on it"- including the three different groups of strangers we met on a night out last Friday. At the end of the night we were pissed and walking down the street holding hands. There were one or two moments where I pulled away because I thought we might kiss. We went out for after work drinks again yesterday and do weekly.

I'm starting to realise that I actually really do fancy him after all.

I just think he needs to get his head sorted because if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't want him to treat another woman like he does me. It's not right. I can see that. He doesn't know that I've changed my mind. It's never been on the agenda - just good friends, although clearly a bit closer than it should be.

What do I do?

superstarheartbreaker Thu 06-Dec-12 18:40:19

Hmmm; could you fancy him because he's now unavailable and being an arse? He is being an arse btw; to you both.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:46:30

I know he is being an arse. He doesn't realise how I feel about him now though as it's always been "no".

No, it's been like this for years and I've wondered if I fancied him but just didn't. Sadly, now I do.

MajorB Thu 06-Dec-12 18:48:59

I'm going to ignore completely the bit about you wanting another woman's man, and just look at your change of feelings about him.

I had something similar a long time ago. A great friendship with a bloke and a few blurred boundaries (though we were always both single) but something in me stopped it from becoming more.

Over the period of a month or so I felt him withdrawing from me and I scrambled to get closer again, before finding out he'd started dating someone and hadn't told me as he wasn't sure what "we" were, or what his feelings for his new girlfriend were.

I immediately backed off and very quickly realised that my feelings hadn't really deepened for him, I just missed that closeness we'd had and hadn't realised how much I valued him as a friend until I felt him withdrawing.

I met someone else and have been happily married for about a decade now and have no doubt that my DH is the man for me, my friend and I were never right for each other really, and that's why I'd always held back.

I'm telling you this (very long) story as I'm wondering if it's not that your feelings have changed towards your friend but just that he's actually more happy with his girlfriend than you'd like to admit and is pulling away from you, and that is what you're missing and hankering after, not him per say.

He's treating his girlfriend awfully btw - would you really want to be with someone like that??

EdithWeston Thu 06-Dec-12 18:54:57

If he fancied you, he have done something about it years ago.

The position of OW is widely despised and usually leads to heartbreak for all people in the triangle.

You need to reset your boundaries with your friend and look at unattached men if you are seeking a partner.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:55:39

He was talking about marriage to her two years ago (hasn't transpired though) so his relationship status isn't new to me. I've genuinely not been overly bothered by that before.

I think I've just been on dates and realised there was nothing with that man, then go out with him and think, "phwoar actually, I love this".

He is ten years younger and I think he was always too young for me, but now he's older it feels different. And I do hate the fact that I'm considering pushing in on another woman's man.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 06-Dec-12 19:03:52

Has he given you any indication that he'd leave her for you?

Because this sounds like the same old script to are "safe" because you don't want each other, so you hold hands/kiss/get a bit close and flirty but he justifies it as okay because its you. Because you don't want him, so he isn't hurting you, and it gives him someone to flirt with and boost his ego with without hurting his girlfriend.

These stories always go the same way. He wants you, you don't want him, he settles down, you do want him, you tell him, he rejects you, he marries woman he is with. I have never known them go any differently, regardless of who is involved.

Has he mentioned leaving her for you? Because from what you've said, he's happy keeping things exactly how they are.

For what it's worth, I'd back off. You are holding hands with, flirting with and lusting after another woman's man. It doesn't sound like he wants this to go anywhere, so in any case it'd just be an affair. You could cause utter chaos. Perhaps he needs to reinvest some time in his relationship, and you need to spend time with other men who are like him, and like you, but who are single and available.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 19:05:06

If he is living with his gf how do you manage to stay over and him stay with you? Does she know? It's really not fair of him to invest so much emotionally in you when he is with her. Do you know and like her? Is she a friend too? Does She know all this backstory with you both, and the continuing contact?

If you do like him so much, you could tell him, then say but nothing must happen until you are single, living alone and no contact til then. This gives you both a chance to sort yourselves out.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 19:14:34

Maybe he is just having a safe flirt. Not really considered that. He says he really loves her but sometime he wonders if he can be bothered with all her moaning.

He's been living out of London for the past 2 or 3 years, would come down to visit. I think she knows we stay in the same bed, doesn't seem bothered according to him.

I'm thinking we should get pissed together again and say something. He was pressing to know why we've stayed so close last Friday night. And I agree, good point, then we should not have much contact until he has decided to leave her, if he ever does, or just agree that we should reset boundaries to be fair to her (and me).

I really don't intend to dripfeed, sorry if I am. I am deliberately not saying much about her as anything I say will be biased anyway and trying not to completely defend the situation. But at the same time we have a long history.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 19:16:58

Oh and I've no idea if he would leave her as I've not brought it up.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 06-Dec-12 19:19:52

Well, start off by dropping the daily texting. Cut down on drinking alcohol when you're out, if you don't want the old we-couldn't-help-ourselves-we'd-had-a-few-drinks scenario. Better yet, try only seeing him when she's there too and stop meeting him every week. You may feel you're only recently taking an interest in him, the fact he was keener on you for years hasn't gone unnoticed by you and being around him, ostensibly just good friends, (10 years' younger so no dent to the ego there either), has been no hardship.

She's either oblivious, unthreatened or hopes if she doesn't try and stop him from seeing you, you'll eventually meet somebody else entirely, or he will stop socialising with you and focus on her. Either confident and secure, or naive and optimistic.

He must enjoy the extra non-gf attention and he won't stop because after the years of not getting any interest from you, you've started to home in on him.

If you take a step back, you can see if he's prepared to come after you, or just stay with his partner, in which case he's not that into you if you're not chasing him.

If things do take a sudden turn, I wonder what next, after all this time of being apart, will it live up to expectations or will one of you bottle out.

Doinmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 19:39:33

I bet the girlfriend doesn't know you share a bed and I bet if she did she'd be less than happy.

You need to step beck from this man, let him get on with his relationship , you are muddying the waters .

Doinmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 19:40:35

Forgot to add, he doesn't sound very nice.

EdithWeston Thu 06-Dec-12 19:42:22

"doesn't seem bothered according to him"

You really, really must not believe a word of that.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 19:56:06

Thing is, he doesn't know I'd be up for being with him. So taking a step back won't mean anything.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 19:56:31

She has no idea about you does she? Who is he pretending he is staying with? I think he is using you as r&r, sorry, but I think you are being used. You might want to believe you are not, but you are.

It seems odd he tells you he is in a relationship and living with someone and he doesnt care she doesn't care he is staying with you iykwim. And he is carrying on with you, and you don't care he lives with someone else.

He is messing with your head. Have you been in a relationship whilst conducting this friendship? Was your bf ok with this guy descending and staying with you, texting and " just friends"

Doinmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 20:02:46

Taking a step back as in- don't get pissed together and hold hands and share a bed . Behave like friends not two people having an affair.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:06:31

No she knows he is staying with me, going out with me, drinking with me etc. At least I presume she does.

But do I bring it up? Or do I just say, "Hey, what's going on? This is a bit too much considering you have a girlfriend"?

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:12:57

Op, I am shocked you haven't had this converstation with him years ago! What do you talk about? Are you bth pretending you are dating?
Call him up and ask him. Or next time he suggests or you suggest another meetng, ask him them. Not on text or email, on the phone. No need to meet, have drinks etc etc. you'll get your answer. Don't waste another weekend on this man.

She doesn't know. And if you are such a good friend with him and been friends for years, why haven't you met her or invited her as well?

Are you sure they didn't get married?

Doinmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 20:16:54

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:06:31
No she knows he is staying with me, going out with me, drinking with me etc. At least I presume she does.

You Presume??? Trust me she doesn't know.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:18:28

Yes I've met her! I knew her through a mutual friend before they got together. I've stayed at their place when I've come up to visit (yes, in the spare room). We just don't socialise together much at all, but there's no animosity.

He's invited me to his parents place with her for NYE. But we've spent a lot of NYE's together (although not since he's been with current gf)

We had the conversation years ago! But I wasn't interested. Now I am blush

We talk about all sorts. We hang out. We laugh. We try new places and new things. I don't know, just enjoy each other's company.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 20:22:09

I don't like the sound of you

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 06-Dec-12 20:22:39

The only reason you fancy him is because you can't bear him not fancying you any more. If he dropped his girlfriend for you you'd go right off him, because what you are getting off on is him pining for you.
You need a hobby and some new friends.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 06-Dec-12 20:24:45

It won't end welll. just admit how you feel instead of carrying on like this but fgs don't keep doing all this behind his gf back.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:34:28

He has invited you NYE to his parents with his girlfriend, the one he lives with and has no idea about you? Are you sure? Is it big party? Are you expecting him to be kissing you NYE? It's not a film, you are messing about. leave these people alone.

Why would you go anyway? Unless he is inviting you to bring a bf or there is someone there you would like to meet?

Go out with some other single friends and have a good night. Leave him to his relationship and don't wreck his family NYE.

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