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Getting married but not living together? Complete insanity or the future?

(97 Posts)
DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:41:58

I have been with my OH a while now. I have two children and my own home and am very settled and happy. If I'm honest, I don't want to live with anyone for the foreseeable future. I like my own company, my own space, like doing things 'my way' and am fairly independent.

My partner is the same I suppose. Very independent, likes his own space, happy living alone.

We spend 4 or 5 evenings a week together on average. Speak every day. We are very happy together and all is well. And we are in agreement - we could see ourselves married but not living together. Not forever, but for the medium term.

Is this complete madness, even though it is something we BOTH want and ultimately it is what WE are happy with? is it too madly unconventional? I suppose you could say ' what is the point in being married? ' but I like the idea of it, the security, the bond etc.

What do you think?

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 23:21:06

cutted/santa - Glad you feel more positive. I get tired of reading how all relationships are supposed to go. Meet, live together, marry, kids etc... I have lived with more men than I care to remember < tart > and just don't want to do it again but still want the relationship and the commitment.

This way I get to have a nice bath, get dressed up, go for dinner or just round his to chill out for a few hours or he comes here...and then I get the bed to myself < depending on where my son is! > And I'm able to go out several times a week as my eldest child is in her teens and I'm able to leave her in charge for a few hours.

My partner is also going to buying a house around 15 miles away. We have discussed it... I will not be moving in with him for various reasons like schools, work, my eldest being in a crucial year educationally speaking... I'm as sure as i can be that our relationship isn't any less valid because I don't want to have him snoring next to me and doing his prissy over tidying around me or doing that eating thing where he HAS to sit at a table and so on and so forth. All fine when I dont have to live with this day in day out grin

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 23:13:15

Oblomov - no, no... I either drive to his or he comes here - and then we go home! I stay at his every other weekend when the kids are away. So, we spend an evening together from about 8pm until 11pm and watch a DVD/cook/chat/whatever... and then... I get to go home or he leaves! just when I've had enough grin

So no sleeping here for 5 nights a week. christ!!

CuttedUpPear Thu 06-Dec-12 23:09:19

This thread is great to read. I've had a really wobbly summer because DP bought a house - not with me. I think part of my wobbliness is due to our arrangement being against the norm. Stories from this thread are bolstering my confidence.

ivykaty44 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:58:43

my old next door neighbour was widowed with three grown up children, after 2-3 years she remarried and her husband had his own house car and teeth but they did't live together in one house - thye kept both houses and lived in either, so a little different, he also had a grown up child.

thing is it was what worked for them, they did this for 25 years until they finally sold one house and moved into the other for good

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 06-Dec-12 21:55:28

this is such a positive thread.

ever since EXP i have thought that im probably too selfish to ever have another committed relationship but after reading this i can see how i dont have to rule that out.

thanks for posting OP smile

TeaBrick Thu 06-Dec-12 21:38:35

Something to think about though Nigel...

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:35:12

i have got the wrong end of hte stick.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:34:17

and I agree wtih teabrick. If I were ever to find myself single I would never, ever, ever in a trillion years live with another man.

Viviennemary Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:38

It does sound a bit mad on the face of it. But a lot of couples that have lived alone for a long time are choosing this option. Do what suits you best. People even partners can be really irritating!

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:21

We never lived together before we got married. we've been married 5 years now.

One thing I would say is - make sure you can tolerate each other's attitudes to cleanliness/tidiness. Not realising that DH likes a clean, tidy house as long as he doesn't have to do it has caused no end of arguments

drmummmsy Thu 06-Dec-12 21:28:09

oh married it would be just like shameless!

TeaBrick Thu 06-Dec-12 20:59:43

I would never, ever want to live with a partner again. I have lived with 2 and neither of them worked out in the end, looking back now I think part of the reason (apart from me picking 2 wankers wink ) is that I really like my own space and time on my own, and I like to do things my own way. I did compromise while living with my partners, but I now realise I was never really happy about it. I would maybe like another relationship, but living together is just not something I would ever do now. If I met the ideal man, but he wanted to live with me, I would finish the relationship.

marriedinwhite Thu 06-Dec-12 20:57:03

oh dear - terrible typos.

marriedinwhite Thu 06-Dec-12 20:56:20

I haven't read all of this but when the dc were smaller dh and I used to have a plan that if the house next door came up for sale we would buy it and have interconnecting doors upstairs. That way me and the dc could live in super clean untidy toy heaven and DH could live in super tidy dusty book heaven and pop in for a cuddle at bed-time. grin.

I do have a friend who had two children (divorced) who me a man with three children (divorced with custody) and they bought a pair of semis to sort of get the children used to things incrementally. When they started their own two they had the pair of semis converted to lovely detached house big enough for everyone. They were/are fairly comfortably off thought but nevertheless not a bad way to deal with things and they are a lovely family and all seven children are delightful.

Wecanfixit Thu 06-Dec-12 20:50:19

I like your idea , may be different for some people but it is you life !, I say go for it , but be careful about the financial side perhaps a prenuptial might be an idea to safe guard your kids and you if the worst should happen, wishing every success if you go on with this venture.
P.S. Just a thought it would be interesting to read a BLOG on how it goes for alot of people and you may start a new trend, you could call it Living together
apart!, i think it would be a huge success.

NettleTea Thu 06-Dec-12 20:48:25

Info about tax credits, etc in regards to what they define as a couple can be found [ here]
Interestingly you dont need to be married, and dont need to be living together to be considered a 'couple' in regards to tax and tax credit calculations
"It is also worth noting that although the living together test has its origins in the social security system, it is slightly different in that there is no requirement in tax credits that the couple need be part of the same household."

There seems to be something also known as a 'publicly known partnership' (although I am unclear as to whether this applies in the UK) so basically, if you are in a couple, you go out as a couple, and Im guessing, that elationship is serious and ongoing, then in tax law you are a couple and tax credits should be calculated as such.

Definately so if married. also if you get an housing benefits then once you marry you wouldnt qualify, as there is a house within the marital assets. So, to answer your question it would seem that you would need to support both households on joint incomes without recourse to any benefits, unless the joint incomes qualify. In fact as you are it would seem you may be on sticky gound with tax and child credits potentially. Once it changes to universal credit I suspect it may get even more confusing.

Kundry Thu 06-Dec-12 20:47:12

My DH lives in another country - we've never lived together and decided that we wanted to be married so we got on with it and thought we'd sort out the lving arrangements later! Currently he is looking for jobs in the UK but there is no guarantee they'd be near my house so we'd still be living apart 90%of the time.

We both feel v married, ideally we wouldn't be living this way but I have always had a hankering for the Tim Burton/Helena Bonham-Carter scenario and we've both lived singly a long time and have our own bad habits. When I mention to other people that he lives away, the overwhelming response is that it sounds like the perfect marriage grin

At the moment there is no imminent prospect of us living together but I wouldn't be with anyone else! If it works for you, go for it!

LivvyPsMum Thu 06-Dec-12 20:45:51

I would love it! Think its a great idea!x

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:32:27

It's only fair to say that there are cons of course- we live over a hundred miles apart, and sometimes if there is some drama or you have bad day , it would be nice just to get a hug or have a cry on your husband's shoulder.

But I know I would only have to pick up the phone and he would be straight here if I needed him. And vice versa. Plus you need absolute, total trust in each other, that's a given.

Someone said earlier about it keeping it "alive" and I'm sure it does help with that. I agree, sincity, I often think the divorce rates would be lower generally, too.

Oblomov Thu 06-Dec-12 20:26:01

Does anyone know what the legal definition of a partner is? If you are having a relationship and spend x amount of time/ hours/ nights together, then are you classified as a legal partner?

sincitylover Thu 06-Dec-12 20:21:15

I too would love this type of set up.

It makes perfect sense to me.

Too many people live a cliched life wihout thinking about it.

I have often wondered what the divorce rate would be if housing were cheaper and mortgages weren't the be all and end all.

IMO when a man moves in there inevitably tends to be a dominance factor however liberated you think he might be. When childrean are involved this can be a recipe for disaster especially if they are not his children.


Smithson6 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:20:42

My h and I lived apart when we got married and stayed that way for many years- we also never lived together prior to being married. When we had children we decided to live together but we would have been open to not living together and having children too if that is what we had wanted to do iyswim. I have a sibling who lives on and off with their spouse too.

pros and cons for both ways in my opinion but in your situation I would certainly get married and stay in separate houses. Sounds ideal.

Oblomov Thu 06-Dec-12 20:19:52

I appreciate op said evenings. It is highly likely that her dp goes to work, so is not at home during the day. My dh leaves at 6am and gets home at 6pm. Many do and dh's do.
Do you spend weekends together op? I hope you do. Only because weekends are just the best time, aren't they? For lie ins, coffee in bed, making love, lazing around. All the best bits !!

elastamum Thu 06-Dec-12 20:18:04

What also annoys me though, is the assumption that our relationship isnt serious / going anywhere because we live apart hmm

elastamum Thu 06-Dec-12 20:16:12

Am another one living apart from my DP. We live 1 1/2 hours apart. Both have children settled in school where we live so we commute backwards and forwards depending on what we / the children are up to. Each have our own house. Works well for us smile

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