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Getting married but not living together? Complete insanity or the future?

(97 Posts)
DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:41:58

I have been with my OH a while now. I have two children and my own home and am very settled and happy. If I'm honest, I don't want to live with anyone for the foreseeable future. I like my own company, my own space, like doing things 'my way' and am fairly independent.

My partner is the same I suppose. Very independent, likes his own space, happy living alone.

We spend 4 or 5 evenings a week together on average. Speak every day. We are very happy together and all is well. And we are in agreement - we could see ourselves married but not living together. Not forever, but for the medium term.

Is this complete madness, even though it is something we BOTH want and ultimately it is what WE are happy with? is it too madly unconventional? I suppose you could say ' what is the point in being married? ' but I like the idea of it, the security, the bond etc.

What do you think?

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:42:24

To clarify, the children are mine. He doesn't have children. We are also in our 40s.

NymphadoraTonks Thu 06-Dec-12 13:49:19

Whatever works for you I guess, we all make up our own rules as we go along!

chocaholic73 Thu 06-Dec-12 13:49:27

Personally, I think it sounds like an ideal scenario. I am guessing you live fairly close to each other so can always be there for each other if things are tough? Living separately provides opportunities for personal space and actually valuing the time you are together. You are both old enough and wise enough to know that you don't need to be physically together 24/7 to make a relationship. I don't think you're insane at all ....good luck to you both.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:51:11

Yes we live locally - very much so at the moment and will always be within 15 or so miles. It also works for me from a financial viewpoint as well for various rather dull reasons. That is not my main concern though. I just keep returning to ' but i like living on my own, regardless of how i feel about him '

orangepudding Thu 06-Dec-12 13:51:25

If it works for you go for it - there are plenty of married people who don't live together as one spouse works abroad.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:53:10

I have never known anyone get married with no plans to live together for the foreseeable though?

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 06-Dec-12 13:53:21

Is it Helen Bonham Carter and Tim Burton that live next door to each other? I remember an interview from earlier this year where they had to live together for a week so one house could be repaired, and said they drove each other mad.

If it works for you, go for it.

I can't imagine marrying someone I didn't want to live with, but then again I'm the least independant person you'll ever meet. If it works for both of you, and you are both genuinely happy, it sounds ideal.

ethelb Thu 06-Dec-12 13:54:45

I've heard of other couples about your age or older chosing this option.

You would need to discuss what you wanted to do when one person decides they want to move in.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 13:55:59

thanks all

ethel - have you really? I've never heard of it before! Although caja - i remember that now!

HaudYerWheeshtFannyBaws Thu 06-Dec-12 13:57:29

My uncle got married and lived apart from his wife for about a year. They ended up moving in together and 3 months later, they split up.

FeuDeSnowyRussie Thu 06-Dec-12 13:59:51

Go for it - it sounds like it would work really well for you! And I can see why you want you get married for the security and the bond of it - marriage doesn't necessarily require you to live in each others pockets.

But presumably your children live with you, so you are not living alone as such, are you? I guess adding an extra person to your home would change things, but is there any reason you don't want to live with this particular person?

niceupthedance Thu 06-Dec-12 14:01:00

Yes - it's the future! Or I hope so.

Pooka Thu 06-Dec-12 14:01:08

Tim burton and hbc have adjoining houses though - open interconnecting door and is just one massive house.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 14:02:23

Yes my kids are with me and obviously I have no choice there grin I'm not alone , no. I just like living without a man here... it would change how i do things and I just don't want it... one of my children is still young so... just no.

There is no reason relating to him, tbh. I'd feel the same about any man I think. It all comes back to me wanting my own space and I like seeing someone frequently but not every single day and night. He feels the same.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 14:03:23

He hasn't proposed or anything! And we have not discussed in detail. We have just had a couple of chats and then a few jokey comments and realised that we both feel the same way. And it made me think...

FeuDeSnowyRussie Thu 06-Dec-12 14:04:50

Fair enough then, and good luck if you do go for it! You can always move in together later if you want to anyway smile

chocaholic73 Thu 06-Dec-12 14:06:18

I have heard of it before and it always struck me as a great idea. When you get together when you are a little bit older, you have your different ways of doing things and are more set in your ways than when you are very young. Think you should go with what works for you, rather than worrying about what other people do and what they will think, although I know that is hard to do. Having separate places will mean as your DCs get older, you will have somewhere to go for couple time. The main disadvantages I can think of are financial but since you are OK with that, I would say go for it!

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 06-Dec-12 14:07:29

i think i might feel the same in the future. i have 2 dcs but i'm an LP with no partner right now. i like my own space and think this sort of arrangement would work. i understand wanting to get married for the security and bonding aspect too.

FeuDeSnowyRussie Thu 06-Dec-12 14:08:49

Come to think of it, my mum, who's been happily married for 37 years but loves time alone, has often said she loves the idea of it. I don't think she'd dare do it now, but maybe you'll be at the vanguard of a new way of living! At least men would have to deal with their own fecking housework then.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 14:10:21

Ah thats true choc - We are both set in our ways I suppose. I do not want to compromise on how I live... even small things. For example, I allow my youngest to sit eating bloody toast in my bed in the evenings. Now, I know most folk would go batshit about that and I am sure my OH would be most hmm and confused about it. But I'M OK with it... and while I live alone it is one of the very many things that I can choose to do.

And I selfishly want to continue doing stuff my own way

I am easy going and compromising when we are together though. I just don't fancy giving up my whole way of life.

DearJ0hn Thu 06-Dec-12 14:12:09

grin @ feu

Santa - yes, I like the idea of being married. I would like that. And I am not opposed to living together in the future. Just not now. It's nice to be secure in a marriage... do you really have to live together?

So far... no one seems to think you do

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 14:12:30

A thumbs up ideal situation from me too.

2blessed2bstressed Thu 06-Dec-12 14:14:53

This is exactly how dp and I are...we have our own places, and I have 2dcs who live with me all the time. He has 2 as well, who he has with him eow and one evening a week.
We are v happy together, v committed, and have talked about marriage at some point. But we both like having our own space, a concept some of our friends really struggle with.
His ex also often feels the need to comment on how we can't be serious, and how it isn't a "real" relationship hmm

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 06-Dec-12 14:18:10

the only thing i would consider if it would affect you negatively wrt finaces. would your finances be affected by being married even though you dont have combined incomes or financial commitments? would you still get WTC and CTC? if you get them already that is.

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