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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

YouSeveredHead Sun 09-Dec-12 15:49:16

Op - safeguarding in schools is about the children, lots of places that have safe guarding polices are about the children. It's because they have a duty of care to the child and basically adults have to make their own decision. That doesn't mean they wouldn't be supportive of situations. And please remember schools do not have the power to take anyone's kids away.

You need to talk to someone in rl. No one will think this is ok. You will be believed.

foolonthehill Sun 09-Dec-12 23:37:52

No, Andrew i have always and will forever be a fool!
Though my story is a common one....unfortunately.

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 16:02:50

Fool, sorry,mistaken identity.

I'm not really Andrew either, Beryl in Christmas disguise.

desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 10-Dec-12 22:43:21

Thank you for the kind comments. I am fine and I am sorry if I have worried anyone sad. I can only really log on to this site when oh is not around and so tend to be a bit sporadic. I don't think that I am in any immediate danger but I do realise that I need to leave him at some point pretty soon

forgetmenots Mon 10-Dec-12 22:55:48

Don't worry desperately. Those of us who are worried are just concerned for your welfare, that's not your fault or to be apologised for.

I'm so glad to hear you are planning to leave. Even accepting that has taken a lot of strength and courage, I hope you see that.

ElectricSheep Mon 10-Dec-12 23:17:02

Just a few points DSS

What's he like apart from these incidents? You say he gaslights (denies things that have happened to make you seem 'mad'), stonewalls (silent treatment), manipulates (DC). This sounds bad enough to want to finish the relationship anyway to me. Does he treat you as an equal? Do his fair share of hswrk? Make decisions with you? Split finances equally? All these behaviours are controlling and abusive and you deserve far far more from a relationship. You may get the nice treatment for a while but even that you can't really enjoy because you know it will inevitably be followed, as night follows day, by the abuse.

What are your reservations about leaving?

I'm sure you are aware that abuse in the vast majority of cases starts as emotional, moves on to sporadic physical incidents and then escalates to regular physical abuse, which for 2 women a week on 2010-11 resulted in their murder. The trouble with taking time to decide is that you cannot be sure at what rate your particular abuser will choose to escalate his abuse.

A court will take into account what DC over 12 say about where they'd like to live if they deem it even appropriate to ask, which is fairly unusual - IF there are no other reasons that need consideration. In your case emotional abuse and threatened and actual physical abuse would be major considerations.

If you are not married and leave you will not be entitled to an equal split of assets I'm afraid. So any money you can get, do - by fair means or foul. He will not give you a bean when you have gone if he can avoid it.

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