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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Dec-12 13:02:22

foolonthehill Wed 05-Dec-12 13:03:33

PS*asking what they would do if a parent brought up the subject of emotional abuse. They said that they would call SSs to try to get the children removed and that the mother was not their responsibility, that they had no duty of care etc.*

The school called social services to my it happened my "D"H was away on a work trip and i was planning to leave whilst he was away...with the DC, they said "as you are keeping the children safe by removing them from the situation we will open a file but do nothing at present If you were ever to allow him back into your home with the children then we would be seriously worried and would instigate investigation into the parenting and safety of the children"

which i took as code for get out, stay out and keep him away...all of which i have done.

At the end of the day no-one can remove you from your partner, except you.

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Dec-12 13:04:59

when you get their advice, do it

(not like my daft friend who then lost her house)

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 13:07:51

OP - society teaches us to blame the victims of abuse, even children in some cases. It is how so many abusive men get away with this for so long. These woemn have just internalised those messages. As foolonthehill says just because they all agreed doesn't make them right.

You have to put your needs first. Your needs and your children's needs are the same here. To get away from your partner.

Rights of Women

vixsatis Wed 05-Dec-12 13:15:40

I usually am firmly of the view that parents should stay together for the children BUT I think your partner sounds terrifying. I think that you should get out as soon as possible. Rather than speculating on custody you should go and see a good solicitor now and find out what the true position is likely to be. You wil be financially independent by spring. You have put yourself in a good position to leave and you should do so for your sake and the sake of your children

ClippedPhoenix Wed 05-Dec-12 13:22:00

Also this has happened over time and at the moment he is away so much with work that I don't see him often

OP, again, can you arrange to when he's away?

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 16:24:16

I can arrange to leave him but need to be sure that it is the right thing to do and need to know what to say to the children. I think that I am sure that I need to go but at the moment we are going through a good phrase (he is away and I have been away so haven't actually really seen one another) so it is harder to be determined about it.

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 16:55:37

desparatelyseekingsomething, you need to stop over thinking this, its a good phase because you havent seen each other, what happens when you do, he is obviously a menace, when is it the finally straw, when hes seriously injured you? it maybe be too late by then, get out while you can.

i think you should read back your last post and really take it in.

you're in a good place because you've both been away and havent seen each other <- can you not see why this is? you havent been near him, you've had freedom, you havent had to worry or put up with his bahaviour!

he is teaching your children that it is acceptable to treat people this way. its not too late to change things and make a new start and have a happy home for your dc's

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 17:21:23

No, I think you're right, it's hard to leave till you reach your own personal 'tipping point', and something happens that crystallises your thinking into action.

In the meantime address the issues as much as you feel able - like, getting things ready, detaching in your own mind, involving other people and agencies.

Do what feels right for you, right now - and you will gradually get to a place where it becomes more possible for you, and more urgent.

Notto say that what's going on isn't utterly wrong, and pretty damgerous - not to mention quite bad for your kids to witness/experience - but only you can decide when it's the right moment to get out.

Good luck.

CiderwithBuda Wed 05-Dec-12 17:45:03

I had a friend whose husband seemed great to everyone on the outside.

They had a bit of a gas leak in the house once but she noticed it and got her and their DD out. He was very worried and shocked.

The brakes on her car went funny. She noticed and got them fixed.

The house went on fire one night. He wasn't there. Arrived home and had to be physically restrained from going into the house to rescue her and the DD.

My friend and her DD died in that fire. He killed them. He had caused the gas leak. And tampered with the brakes. And he set that fire.

It turned out afterwards that there had been many very low level instances of him abusing her. She didn't think it was bad enough to leave. And they were in the middle of adopting their DD. So she stayed.

Get some professional and legal advice. And take this seriously. You obv are worried enough to have spent the last few years getting organised financially. You just need to keep going.

blackeyedsusan Wed 05-Dec-12 19:19:19

you could ring the police about the threats he made to you and tell them about the 2 incidents here he has hurt you and you suspect that they are not an accident. you will need to be ready to leave at this opoint though. you do need to be ready to leave. take stuff to work and leave it in a safe place.

ladyWordy Wed 05-Dec-12 19:20:26

I have the feeling you have posted before, desperately... Some of the details seem familiar. If so, the thing that has changed is quite severe escalation.

If you didn't get a shocked apology with the car incidents, you can be sure there was an element of deliberate action there (I think it was 100% deliberate, frankly). Stepping on feet 'accidentally', shutting hands in cupboards etc is fairly typical abuse escalation; but use of a car, and the singing of that appalling song, is as clear a signal of intent to harm as you are going to get.

I think you are in danger. It's time to take action.

Do not worry about what to say to the children. You are in charge of their safety. What you say, goes.

Also, try not to worry about what he'll say, how he'll twist things, because they all twist things, or say their partner's mad, or that they'll go for custody.... Men like this are extremely predictable and the agencies have heard all of it before, multiple times, every day of the week. And they are quite used to dealing with smooth talking, well-educated abusers. It's nothing new or remarkable to them. sad

NeedlesCuties Wed 05-Dec-12 19:26:25

Trust me, Women's Aid have seen and heard everything. So have the police.

Your H is telling you what is in his mind, what his gameplan is.

Get out, get out and stay out.

You and your DC deserve more.

mummytime Wed 05-Dec-12 19:40:32

If you don't get out, with the kids now. One day they could be dialling 999 because of what he has done to you. However self-centred pre-teens can be they don't want or need that. Protect them, get out with them. Teach them about self-respect and respecting others.

ImperialBlether Wed 05-Dec-12 23:33:18

God, he sounds dreadful and the last thing you want is your sons becoming like him. Isn't this one of the advantages of not being married, that you would automatically have custody?

By the way I told my children that they didn't have a choice as to who to live with, that I would never put them in that position. I told them they would be staying with me. If you ask a child you risk them living with the person who would make them feel the guiltiest. My daughter admitted that because my son would choose to stay with me, she thought she would have to choose to be with her dad, even though she wanted to stay with me, because she would feel too guilty to see him lose both children.

I would definitely log these 'accidents' with someone - who would be best? A lawyer? I would want him to know that they were logged, too, but doubt I'd tell him who they were logged with.

StillSquiffy Thu 06-Dec-12 09:16:55

I can arrange to leave him but need to be sure that it is the right thing to do and need to know what to say to the children

You already know it is the right thing to do. You already know that if anyone on the outside knew of the situation and you didn't leave then steps would be taken to remove the children who are witness to this.

He has twice deliberately tried to hurt you. He is dangerous. He will be dangerous when your children turn into teenagers and start standing up to him. They need protecting from that.

You are right about children having their views taken into account, and they may choose for shared custody. But at least they will have a choice. And when they see for themselves what he is like they will choose you. At the moment they have no choice so their behaviour is driven by the need for them to preserve the status quo by adopting all of their Dad's behaviours.

Car accidents like you have described are not accidents. They are sadistic. You and your beloved children are not safe. We'd all lay down our lives for our kids, but what happens if your OH took yours - who would protect your kids then?

HullyEastergully Thu 06-Dec-12 09:22:15

He sings "Delilah"

forgetmenots Thu 06-Dec-12 09:35:32

OP, what did he say to you? Did he go into detail? I worry that he could be planning something - it is clearly escalating and I agree with the person above who mentioned gaslighting (have a look for it).

You must, must leave. Keep a note somewhere safe of all he has said and done (with dates and times if you can). Anywhere is safer than where you are now, you are living in fear and that can't continue. Enlist any help you can - you don't have to tell anyone why you are leaving just say that you are afraid for your safety. When you are out you can then get the right advice on next steps, but this is urgent OP. This sounds so frightening.

forgetmenots Thu 06-Dec-12 09:37:42

CiderwithBuda I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and her DD. that is just too awful for words.

amillionyears Thu 06-Dec-12 09:43:10

People on MN can help you with all the practical stuff, as they are doing on here.
I think your main problem with all of this now, is yourself.
You are making the plans to leave.

But in your mind you are not yet ready emotionally to leave.

You say you dont know how usual his abuse is, and you have looked up various websites, and they dont seem to quite fit.
I would say, that this is because, he is more devious and has the potential to be more dangerous than others.
Are you waiting for the really big event to happen before you act?

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 09:44:27

I would not be hanging around. He has told you he is going to hurt you and has tried to run you over twice. He is not messing about. He will get worse over Christmas - aren't dv offence higher at christmas? The best gift you can give your boys is the assurance you will be there and not killed in an "accident"

Have you someone you can stay with? Even your dm? What changes in spring to make you financially secure? Can you stay with family/ friends til then?

Don't tell him you are going. Tell him when you have gone. And get a mobile. And when you have gone, he shouldn't know where you are, and you need to tell the school not to let him collect the dc. Please go to the police and tell them what happened, so it's on record and if they get called to your place as theres been another "accident" they might not let him get away with it.

I am sure womens aid will have all the help for you. Please leave him, you don't need much- would work give you an advance so you could rent somewhere?

foolonthehill Thu 06-Dec-12 11:14:21

have you noticed that EVERYONE here believes you? NO-one is urging you to stay and work on it for the sake of the DC or yourself...

take a step beck, put your emotions away for a minute and use your sensible rational head to look at what has been written by you and by posters.

Please, believe what he has told you about himself and protect yourself and DC,

JuliaScurr Thu 06-Dec-12 11:53:01

Yes lavender, more risk at Xmas - also around when women leave - so don't tell him a nd give him much time before you go. Take advice from Women's Aid etc

Keep in touch - Mumsnetters will help you smile

rosettismuse Thu 06-Dec-12 11:58:33

He sounds like a dangerous man. Leave as soon as you can and do not tell him where you are. Seek legal advice ASAP. Good luck x

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