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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

desperatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:00:03

Sorry to hijack, but I just want to clarify that the OP isn't me, I've got an 'e 'where OP has got an 'a' in the username.

Ironically, I've also posted about this type of relationship but no-where near as bad as this. OP, this sounds dangerous for you and please listen to what everyone is saying. Good luck OP xx

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:04:19

Of course you'll get custody if y our a SAHM and he works? except I am not a SAHM anymore as I now work FT. Children are 7,10,12 and he has been doing most of the childcare for the last couple of years as I have been working evenings and weekends. HE KEEPS RUNNING YOU OVER IN A CAR he hasn't hit me hard though - so not really running over. Half of me still thinks that it was accidental. That is part of the problem.

I've tried looking at womans aid websites but I can't understand which category that I fit into . Ideally I'd just like to talk to someone trained to talk through VA and EA issues with people so that I can get things clear in my head (otherwise I think that I may find it hard to finally actually leave) but I cannot find anyone. We live near Leeds. Womans Aid seem to have drop ins but they do not say where they are. It isn't easy for me to ring anyone as he may see the numbers etc (I do not have a mobile).

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:06:04

sorry "desperatelyseekingsomething" - I'd have picked something different if I knew you existed (and I can't spell blush).

Proudnscaryvirginmary Wed 05-Dec-12 12:06:31

Yes it's abuse.

Yes he is hurting you on purpose.

Yes it will get worse.

I truly believe he will end up killing you if you don't leave him.

He wants to kill you.

He is telling you in no uncertain terms who he is, what he wants and he is testing you to see how far and quickly he can push the boundaries.

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 12:08:16

Hes giving you the warnings, so get out, his sons will end up just like him, and one of them might just go too far, could you live with that?

The power is yours now, you have to go, he wants to you, and he will, might not be in a physical way, but hes already started by slowly turning your children against you.

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 12:09:04


GeekLove Wed 05-Dec-12 12:10:36

Can you ring from work? Or get a cheap PAYG phone to keep at work. Don't ts worry about categories - pack a bag, get documents and get yourself and the kids out NOW. What's the betting it's going to get worse in the holidays?

Flisspaps Wed 05-Dec-12 12:11:35

Women's Aid's helpline number won't show up on an itemised BT phone bill.

You could call them from a phone box too, for free.

Also, they won't publicise where the drop-in sessions are as they don't want abusers turning up there! Call them and they'll tell you where you can find one.

LadyKinbote Wed 05-Dec-12 12:13:38

OP - it looks like the Independent Domestic Violence Advisors in Leeds are called HALT. Their number is 0113 243 2632. I would just phone them for a chat. If you don't feel they're the right people they'll point you in the right direction.

Just noticed you don't have a mobile (is this his decision - that would be a massive red flag). As it's a local number could you make something up? They won't say who they are if a man phones up to check.

LadyKinbote Wed 05-Dec-12 12:14:43

x-post - Women's Aid are a good starting point too

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Wed 05-Dec-12 12:16:56

Accidently? twice?
Please Op, take the kids and go, they will moan, and ask for their Dad, you are their Mother, and you and them are in real danger.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 12:17:27

Oh he did it deliberately in the car OP. Did he jump out shocked and worried about hurting you? Did he apologise profusely? It sounds like he tried to blame it on you by the fact that he hadn't heard what you said (another lie).

But that aside this man is still abusive. He isolates you, he verbally abuses you. He uses the children against you. I think if you got the children away from him they would start behaving differently and may even open up about some of the behaviour in their father that they were afraid of.

And the fact that you work now (and presumably he does too) may make it more complicated for parental responsibility. But tbh I would do what others said and get you and the children away from this man and then worry about access.

Please ring Women's Aid. This is serious. This cannot be fixed. This will not get better, in fact may get worse.

foolonthehill Wed 05-Dec-12 12:18:37

The women's aid number would not show up on a BT phone bill (not sure about other networks)

You are definitely the victim of Domestic abuse and not dissimilar to me, I got away a year ago.

your children are still young enough to learn to respect and love people in a healthy way and to understand right and wrong in an intimate relationship. By getting away from their father you can access help and support for them as well as for you. (School and local WA will have resources to use).

My children are not through the woods yet, but we are all much better. My "upstanding, religious, centre of the community" is not allowed face to face contact with the children.

Take your courage in both hands op and if you need help then or elsewhere.

And a cheap (secret) PAYG phone might just be a life saver.....

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 12:22:00

Leeds Women Aid - 0113 246 0401. They will give details of drop ins. They won't advertise where they are as they will probably be safe houses.

Use a phone box on the way to/from work if you have to.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 05-Dec-12 12:28:49

In one of your postings you've said he's away with work a lot OP which is an ideal opportunity to plan your departure. When is he next away?

gloomywinters2 Wed 05-Dec-12 12:30:26

Get the hell out now before this man kills you, your saying there,s much worser abuse or he diden,t hit you harder no matter how hard he hits it dosen,t matter it,s not normal abuse is abuse

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:30:41

Did he jump out shocked and worried about hurting you? Did he apologise profusely? no - that's what is bothering me I think. School I tried almost talking to someone at the school. I got as far as asking what they would do if a parent brought up the subject of emotional abuse. They said that they would call SSs to try to get the children removed sad and that the mother was not their responsibility, that they had no duty of care etc. This just made me feel far worse. Thank you for the numbers smile

desperatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:35:00

*desparatelyseekingsomethingWed 05-Dec-12 12:06:04

sorry "desperatelyseekingsomething" - I'd have picked something different if I knew you existed (and I can't spell )*

nothing to apologise for OP smile mine's only a namechange for talking about sensitive stuff anyway. Ironic isn't it? Only mentioned it so there was no confusion for you, your situation is so much more serious.

This is certainly abuse and will escalate. Make sure you log out of everything and clear cookies and history - or use 'in private' browsing.

If you are able to get a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile secretly, that would really help you.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 12:39:30

OP the woman you spoke to was a victim blamer and had no understanding of abusive relationships (also pretty misogynistic to not acknowledge the suffering an abused woman goes through).

SS would not take your children away.

But the situation your children are in is not doing them any good. And it certainly isn't doing you any good.

Lougle Wed 05-Dec-12 12:46:07

Look, OP, I'm a fairly 'once married, always married' sort. I know you're not married, but you can see what I mean. I still say 'leave now'.

You would know if he loved you. He would be mortified that he hurt you. You wouldn't be wondering if he did it deliberately. It's not normal sad

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 12:48:13

the woman you spoke to was a victim blamer worryingly it was a whole committee of them - I brought it up "in passing" to test the water at a meet the governors session when the safeguarding committee were talking about something. The whole (entirely female) GB were in agreement, as was the (female) deputy head. The chair was a senior nurse at our local surgery. It made me realise just how many people would blame me as their attitude did seem to be that the woman must have done something to "make her partner hurt her".

NettleTea Wed 05-Dec-12 12:56:08

And of course its just worth mentioning that, with the power and money of the motor industry, if you wanted to kill someone, then running them over and claiming 'accident' is probably one of the most sure fire ways to do it and to not get prosecuted.

Just think of the rubbish sentances/suspended sentances for mowing down whole families when pissed out of your head. The motor industry dont want cars classified as weapons, they dont want deliberately driving when you are drunk to be a murder charge when you kill someone, and they pay huge amounts to ensure that the law remains on the side of the motorist.

So a man, who's partner has never said anything to anyone about problems within the relationship and has kept quiet about her plans to leave, and who appears to the outside world to be a perfect husband and dad, can EASILY get away with saying it was a dreadful dreadful accident, and that he is going to be mortified for life. Some well rehursed phrases, shed a tear or two at the funeral, and he's home dry.

Do you have life insurance by any chance??? Could be he knows once you make contact with the outside world (work/friends) you might want to go. Youve done the job of raising the kids while they were young. He is probably looking at his finances - doesnt want to split the home/pay maintanance and he sounds like a sadist. He seems to enjoy watching you in pain, and has said QUITE SPECIFICALLY how he wants to hurt you.

Believe him

foolonthehill Wed 05-Dec-12 12:56:24

just because they agree with each other does not make them right.

NettleTea Wed 05-Dec-12 12:59:22

Those people obviously are not up to date with the law. They could try going to social services, but SS certainly wouldnt take the kids away and they would support the mother to leave and remain safe.
But I would speak to womens aid.
some people recommend talking to Respect too - its a mens site, but the really understand stuff and often are not as busy as WA, as not so many abusers ring up for advice

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Dec-12 13:01:30


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