Worries about DH Christmas party - Advice please

[k4mi]

Hi,

I know this is in comparison to most of these threads small fry but am really just after some advice/positive words!

Since the birth of our DD1 I have felt less attractive, interesting and basically confident about myself as anything other than a mum. I am trying to address this at the moment (just started some counselling and am looking/interviewing for jobs) but It has in the last few weeks been v tough. I had to have an operation on my cervix (nice) and have been bleeding pretty much non stop for 6 weeks which is annoying (and means no sex which makes me feel worse!). On top of that we've had endless colds and tummy bugs blah blah blah. Anyway because of this DH and I haven't spent much fun quality time together. It's been a hard slog although not been arguing or anything.

This weekend is his office Xmas party. It's a weekend away. I suddenly feel totally insecure about us and that he's going to start an affair with someone at work. Clearly he could do this at any time he wanted but for some reason because I know I won't see him for 48 hrs and I'll be home 'holding the baby' once again it's got my back up. He is a brilliant dad, can not fault him and mostly a good partner to me but sometimes I feel like we need to get some spark back. I think this is probably normal after a baby but I am becoming increasingly insecure and know that even though I don't want to I am starting to take it our on him. Last weekend I got upset as he said the whole weekend is just a big drunken thing which p*ssed me off as I feel upset he'd rather do that (with a lot of people he doesn't seem to interested in) than spend the weekend taking care of us when we have had a very tough few weeks. Saying that he works hard and I can see that the weekend will be fun and he will have no crying baby to get up for.

Can someone please tell me how they deal with situations like this? Ever felt you have lost your confidence/independence post baby? I used to be so different but now worry I have turned into a boring nagging mum.

HELP.

[ohfunnyface]

You're feeling a little lost and the shift in dynamics have understandably knocked your self esteem and your self perception. But I think this weekend is a really good thing, as it sounds like he needs a weekend to blow off steam and you could spend it with another source of support who can comfort you and help you feel like you again.

Can you invite a friend to stay? Spend the weekend doing things that you haven't done for ages?

Are you BF? Could you arrange a weekend away yourself to look forward to?

[YDdraigGoch]

Absolutely! I used to really resent the fact that my life had been turned upside down, but that DH's life pretty much went on as normal after we had our first baby.
I'm not saying he didn't help at all - because he was wonderful, and did just as much as me when he was home. But it always seemed like it was optional to him, where as it was more my to be there. Even though I wasn't BF.

I also think it's natural to feel less confident about life after having a baby.

But I think you're concerns about your husband starting an affair are unfounded though - he wouldn't need to go away for the weekend to do that.

It's important to make time for yourselves after having children, though not easy. Can you arrange a baby sitter so you can get out for a quick meal, cinema or something, even if only every couple of weeks or so?

Could you invite a friend over for the weekend while DH is away, so you can have a good time yourself?

[k4mi]

I think that's it YDdraigGoch, I feel like my life has HAD to change and often there is no choice for me but for him things seem more optional. He did ask if he could go to the Xmas party (i.e. do we have any plans) but he asked one date so I never realised it was a full weekend till a couple of weeks ago. I guess I just feel lonely but I do have some plans to see friends this weekend so it should be OK. I think it just irritates me that he can go and get hammered and come home to us hungover and I can never really do that (save the odd hen do!) because I have to be responsible. We defo need to do more together though, we do try but are broke and also all this illness has made it harder. But no i'm no longer BF and she is 10 months now and a brilliant baby but I guess it's more about me feeling I have lost my sense of self. Hmmmmm how do I get it back?!

[FBworry]

Sorry but I think your DH is being rather mean. You have a young baby, have just been through an operation, still bleeding and have been generally unwell. I think he should be staying at home to help care for his wife and baby.

Now is not the right time to be waltzing off for weekends away. I think I would expect my dh to stay at home under these circumstances.

[k4mi]

Thanks FBworry. That makes me at least feel justified in being a bit fed up! Last weekend he did say if i really didn't want him to go he wouldn't but that puts it all onto me, to be the mean person stopping him having fun so I just let it go. I have thought about asking him to go for one night instead of two (it's not that far away) so perhaps that would be a compromise. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow about the bleeding and might decide after that if i am feeling fed up or if they have positive news for me.

[YDdraigGoch]

In terms of having to be responsible for the baby, I think that's just the way it is for women. Some of us take to it more naturally than others though.

The bleeding is bound to be getting you down, but hopefully will stop soon.

In terms of your self worth - I see you are talking about getting a job, which will help enormously, whether voluntary or paid.

Working or volunteering even just a few hours a week, would give you a sense of being useful outside of being a mother (which is important to some people, but not all). It would also give you something to talk about to other people that doesn't involve babies! (My DH was glad when I went back to work and could hold a conversation about something other than nappies!).

Maybe you could say to DH that as he's had his weekend away with work, you're going to plan a weekend away with some friends, as you need a break? Or better, plan a weekend away together with DH and no baby!!

[FBworry]

I think the 1 night is a very fair compromise.

[FBworry]

(Though ideally he will put you first)

[VoiceofUnreason]

If I was your DH I wouldn't be going. But then I wouldn't go to any office do that involved a weekend away full stop. Work can have me Mon - Fri but not weekends.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Oh no a weekend ! What does he do that sounds very unusual ? I would say one evening why should he stay over spending family money if you can't afford it ? You aren't well I'd explain that you thought it was one night and that you need him to help with the baby.

Two nights alone I'd be crawling the walls ;)

[k4mi]

It is all paid for by work to be fair, they hire a big house I think. I think he would prefer to go for one night but they are encouraged to go for two but I don't know why. There are no activities, they just hang out and play games/get drunk i think. I will see how we go this week and if he offers to go for one night will go with that or otherwise suggest it. I think he is feeling sorry for me but does not like letting people down although seems to forget he will let me down by leaving us!

[AbigailAdams]

Sounds very selfish to me. And women shouldn't have to put up with shit like this. Fathers are perfectly capable of being responsible for babies too. And they should be.

When was the last time you spent a weekend away getting drunk OP? This isn't fair.

[k4mi]

Yes AbigailAdams i know what you mean! Interestingly there are only a few women at his work and only one or two others have kids...to be fair I had a weekend away in August for a hen do where i was bridesmaid but it wasn't relaxing at all was just pre hard work organising everyone and you're right I couldn't get that drunk as had to be OK the next day for coming home to my daughter! It does seem unfair sometimes but I do love being a mum too so isn't all bad.

[BelaLugosisShed]

A weekend party away with no partners allowed is downright ridiculous, he is being childish by saying that if you don't want him to go, he wont, he should be mature enough to realise that it's just not on for people with families, let alone a young baby and a run-down wife.
Stop struggling on and tell him how you feel, it sounds like his life has barely changed , if he goes you will resent him forever - why does he get to have a weekend away when it's you in desperate need of a rest and some tlc?

[AbigailAdams]

Of course you love being a mum. That does not give him license to be selfish and childish. What would happen if you didn't enjoy it? Would he take over being primary carer? Would he forfeit his drunken weekends away for you?

[k4mi]

Hi all thanks for your comments! I thought if update! So yesterday I asked DH (by text) if he'd consider going for one night not two and he said yes no problem and that he was going to say that to me anyway. Last night we had an ok night altho argued (have argued three times in last week which is unusual) so emotions and frustrations are clearly high. I think I am initiating the arguments but he is really pent up so seems v defensive and always stressed. We were arguing about a party I really want to go to and had planned as a night together for the two of us. He said he couldn't go as ha something else (birthday of a good friend) and I flew off the handle. I tried to explain how much it meant to me and he backed down and said he didn't care he'd come with me but clearly was pissed off. Then we realised they are ok separate nights so he/we can do both. The rest or the evening was fun and enjoyable.

This morning he is getting ready and packed up to leave for the trip. As e walks down the stairs I say 'what time will you be back on Sunday' as I had decided I'd see how I go before asking him right now just to go for one night not two. He replied 'early evening' when this trip was initially talked about he promised me it was Sunday morning. In my head I had planned us a nice day on Sunday to at least make up for him not being ere and me being sole parent all weekend. I was so pissed off. Is this normal to be angered like this?? He knew and got stressed and annoyed with me because he was late for work and he says he feels like everything he does is wrong. I said I can understand that it is out of his control (his work have booked transport) but that it's totally unreasonable for people with families to be expected to do this. He clearly was exasperated me talking. He still said he'd come home whenever I ask him to BUT I feel like a right cow now like whatever I ask for will be wrong yet here I am sat at home sobbing my eyes out.

Any help / advice? I have no friends with babies (do have my NCT group) but I feel like if I tell one of them all the layer partners will find out...which I don't want. My other pre baby friends don't understand the situation and feelings of being alone with baby all day because they aren't.

What should I do? Should I not ask him to come home and just grit my teeth? I have no idea. I have a feeling even if he does the whole weekend will be horrible anyway as we keep on arguing.

[Feckthehalls]

a weekend party away without partners - sounds fab. I wish my employers were as generous.

Please get off his case. He works all year, this is his work weekend of fun. I am sorry, I can't think of a less harsh way of saying it.

can you arrange a weekend away for just you in the new year?

[k4mi]

Yep that's a fair point thanks for sharing! Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself after a really shitty two months but I know he does work hard. I would hate to spend all that time work work mates though personally. I guess it depends on your job.

[AbigailAdams]

Oh please! The OP works all year and doesn't get to take weekends off getting drunk.

[AbigailAdams]

He is moving the parameters isn't he. He said yesterday that he'd go for one night. Now he is going for 2 and 2 1/2 days ( which has only just been mentioned at the last minute when it is too late or makes you look unreasonable for objecting). And he is making you the gatekeeper of his "fun" by devolving where his responsiblity for his family lies on to you. He is a piece of work.

[k4mi]

Exactly! I think one night is fair enough but three days over a weekend is excessive it's not like they get the time back to help at home and give me a day off in return

[FBworry]

Im not sure why without partners is fab?! Yeah, maybe a break from your demanding baby but not your partner.

Op I think your arguing because your not both putting your cards on the table. I often find if Im feeling angry but don't have a proper heart to heart then the frustration keeps seeping out in other ways.

You both want and need free time , a baby is exhausting, but you must come to a proper balance that leaves neither feeling resentful somehow.

[k4mi]

He will still go for one night if I ask him to. When I asked what would be his preference 'ideally' he said to come back early Sunday morning an that it had annoyed him theyve booked it for Sunday late afternoon. You're right tho he is putting it all on me to make a decision which makes me feel like a cow when ultimately I think three days away IS too much given the month we've had and the fact our daughter has been ill (so I've been stuck inside) all week. I think deep down he should be offering to come back not saying that I can ask him to. If I say this tho it will just cause more arguments and I am bored of them.

[AbigailAdams]

If he is going to come back and sulk then leave him to it. You can do without that stress as well. But that is abusive behaviour. Making you make the decision and then getting all arsey because he isn't getting his own way. Or him getting his own way because you don't want to have to deal with the consequences of his sulkiness/bad temper.

If you planned a weekend away and he asked you to be back on Sunday morning would you sulk? Or would you think that was reasonable as he had had the children all weekend by himself and that is quite hard work?

[AbigailAdams]

In fact from your last post you would probably offer that and stick to it. You wouldn't hve to be asked.