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Married - should I stay or go?(13 Posts)
I've been married for 20 months, have a 5 month baby and my husband suffers from depression, has issues with alcohol and when I was pregnant 4 months he was diagnosed with bipolar.
When I was 3 months pregnant I left our home and moved in with a friend, as he drank too much, would say the most hurtful things, then not remember what he would say or do (eg, smash laptop into ceiling, phone on the floor). I felt so threatened by him and the final straw was when he dragged me out of the house, locked the front door and left me outside for 5 minutes. I was bear feet, had a t-shirt on and it was Winter's night. I moved back at 7 months and he promised that he wouldn't drink to excess again, things would change and he wanted to make it work. In the first week back from the hospital, he was not happy that the house work hadn't been done, the house was a mess, etc, meanwhile I was adjusting to becoming a new mum and feeding at all hours. I moved back thinking it would work, but I wasn't long back and things were going downhill again.
When our baby was 4 weeks he ended up in A&E drunk with a black eye which he couldn't remember how it happened. Blamed me for his behaviour, and getting into A&E, despite the fact I wasn't there and hadn't been in contact with him. He has sought help for his depression and bipolar, but has not made an appointment to see a therapist for months, despite being recommended the therapist. He just sees the psychiatrist, when I asked tonight why he hadn't made the appointment with the therapist he said he's been busy and was told to stop having a go at him. I feel so let down by him and he can't be bothered to seek help, particularly as it was his depression, that led to drinking that drove me out of our home. He say's he's still very depressed. I just cannot cope with the fact that he's not prepared to help himself. Last week he went out for a long lunch when he shouldn't be drinking on this medication and more lunches are in the diary for December. He leaves home at 7am, is home by 8pm and said last week that he would far prefer to be 'lounging' around the house than going off to work. I've hardly been lounging around the house with a 5 month old.
In addition to this, I'm not English and am from another country far away. I have no family support, his family and friends are not interested in me or the baby. I have met other mothers locally and do have friends, although they live a good hour's journey away. So many other incidents and hurtful things have been said since having the baby, and somehow he always blames me for his own behaviour, i.e. he wouldn't have reacted, it I didn't say that. Since having the baby I've said that our marriage isn't working and he just says well there's the door if you're not happy, but then says that it would be me, not him, walking out of the marriage, but will just say horrible things. I cannot bear to think what it would be like to bring a child up in this environment, I can bearly cope with it, let alone a child. How bad does it have to be to walk away from a marriage? If our marriage ends I would want to take our baby back home and it's easier to do when they're younger and before the child has formed a 'relationship' with the father, so I worry that if I do try and make it work and our marriage fails, that I would have a bigger challenge on my hands later on. I say this, as throughout our relationship he has broken so many promises relating to his behaviour, so my confidence in this marriage working is pretty how. I know the old saying that people don't change and after being with my husband for four years (boyfriend 2 years, husband nearly 2 years), I'm begining to think that he's not going to change.
I don't think he will change either. You need to put your and your baby's well being first . If I were you I'd seek legal advice.
What a horrid situation to be in .
Have you got plans to go home for Christmas? If not, I suggest you make travel plans for you and your dc now and leave your h to his own devices over the festive season as it's probable that he intends to spend a considerable proportion of it self-medicating with alcohol.
I'd agree with the other posters. Time to leave. He may sort himself out, he might be able to have a relationship with his child, but you can't count on it. Prioritise your needs.
1happylife I really feel for you, I can't imagine how scary that must be in a "normal" situation, but having to cope with this so far away from home, with no family support, must be awful.
Don't let him blame you for his bad behaviour. I doubt it's actually your fault, and even if it was he has the option of talking to you calmly and rationally, which he's clearly not doing. I don't think he has any right to blame you.
Slightly different situation, but I had my first baby a long way from my home country and really suffered with pnd. Coming back to my home country was a huge relief in so many ways. Could you contact the embassy for your country to find out any legal information about returning home with your child? (passports etc) Even if you're not considering that yet, it may help you feel stronger if you know your options.
You asked how bad does it have to be to walk away - I think he's being verbally abusive, and it just sounds scary that he's drinking too much, smashing things, throwing things, shouting, blaming.. I personally would not have that behaviour around my baby, for me that would be bad enough to leave.
Wishing you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do, and keep coming here for support!
Thank you so much for all of your messages, I really appreciate it. We did have good times, although these been overridden by all the bad! But its just hard knowing how bad is bad, to walk away from our marriage. I;m not sure what I'm doing for Christmas, certainly not going home, its so expensive! My family and friends from home (and here) are supportive, but they've just too far away, particularly now. I have sought legal advice (paid for it) and the thought of being a single mother at 33, working, bringing up a child, meeting someone again, etc. scares the hell out of me. If you met my husband you would have no idea that he could behave like this, he has a senior job, is the life of the party, charismatic, but can totally flip. I'm just living each day by day and eggshells around him.
You need to get rid of him, sooner rather than later. Your baby is little enough not to be upset by a separation, and you will also be able to put strict controls on how much contact he has (ie he must not turn up drunk or behave abusively). Talk to Women's Aid and a solicitor; you might be able to get him out of the house and have him still pay the mortgage, though TBH he might well stuff up his job and lose it if he carries on drinking heavily and acting strangely.
Best of luck. He's had all the chances he merits, prioritize you and your baby.
Get the hell away from him as soon as possible. Depressed my arse, he's an abusive self entitled pig of the worst kind.
He is violent. Throwing a pregnant woman outside in the cold is horrible. God knows what else he is capable of doing.
You are not walking away from marriage.
You are making your way to a safer place.
Stay safe re posting. It may be best he does not know what you are planning/discussing.
Go. You sound miserable. You don't have to be miserable.
I hope you decide to go, I think you need to. He isn't giving you any other choice. I have a 3 month old and can emapthise with how scary it must be to have to start again with your new baby. I think though it's what you'll have to do to have a chance at happiness! I really feel for you
Thanks, again for the messages. It's been really useful to get outsiders opinion on the situation. What I wrote about was the worst of everything and I just don't think I can move on from it, as I've been so let down with his behaviour and endless false promises. I feel like a fool for believing him that things would change. I married and planned a child with all the right intentions and it has gone horribly wrong. Despite all this, I'm still questioning ending this marriage, I guess it's difficult coming to terms with everything and going through with it.
Go. You deserve a fresh start, you certainly don't deserve this.
Can you go home? That's what I would do if you possibly can. If not, I think you'll still be a lot happier alone than stuck in a marriage where you're walking on eggshells, afraid of the next outburst.
Good luck x
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