Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is sex that important...

(31 Posts)
gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 12:24:48

Hi everyone,

I am feeling like i want to end my 2 year relationship due to the fact we have very missmatched sex drives and its really impacting on how i feel about the man i really thought i would spend the rest of my life with.

I am the one who is wanting sex on a regular basis well i say regular, that being at least once a fortnight, but its just not happening its been 6 weeks again and i feel resentment towards him i am snapping at him for it, we have talked many times about how much a sexual relationship is important to me, and he says he understands and i think finally he understands then we wait this long again.

I tried talking to him about it, tried turning him on and making all the moves, but stopped doing that since he has fallen asleep sometimes, its denting my confidence.

We were watching a tv program last week about sleep disorders and i think he has sleep apnea which is obviously going to impact on how "frisky" he is but isnt willing to go to doctors until after our holiday in may, incase he has got it because he is scared they take his driving licence off him and i am scared to drive in america.

There is more i could say but it would end up looking like a yellow pages, but i feel like i live with my best mate, and the thought of us not being together would really be unthinkable but i find myself thinking about it quite a bit lately and i think i must be stupid to want to end a relationship where mostly its really loving and he seems to be a really good man over lack of sex ? sad

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 12:37:35

It doesn't sound as if he's very bothered about it, so you're the one left feeling bad because its a big deal to you. Frankly I think this is a dealbreaker - you're only 2 years into the relationship - imagine carrying on like this for another 10 or 20 years... it would be depressing and damaging to your confidence. He wants to wait another 5 months to do anything about it? I think its time for a serious talk, along the lines of this being a make or break issue that needs to be addressed straight away. No doubt he'll keep putting it off if you let him.

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 13:00:57

Hi raskolnikov,

I agree it he dosen`t seemed bothered by it at all which i find unusual for a man who has only been in a relationship such a short time.

I sometimes think maybe he just isn`t into sex much for a few reasons, he just isnt a confident man, he didnt even lose his virginity till he was 26 due to lack of confidence, also a failed mariage really dented his confidence even more, (she cheated and said the reason why was she was lonley due to him working and lack of compansionship )but i have no idea how to help him with these issues, when we do have it he will play fight and mess about like a teenager even tho he knows i want to have sex with him.

I sometimes think he might not fancy me or maybe its because i ain`t his ex-wife (she was his first and only love) that he just desen`t want to but then i think maybe its because he has got sleep apnea, i just don`t know but i have told him how it all makes me feel and he is sympathetic but he has what i like to call "bury your head in the sand syndrome" and goes back to how he was before.

He says he worries about this issue but still does nothing about it ?

I feel bad because he is a good man with my children, my son is disabled and he has a close relationship with him, he cooks cleans, lets me do whatever i want, when i want, money isnt a problem with him, he would happily give whatever he has, he is loving caring affectionate i could go on... i wanted another child with him to marry him (and these are big steps for me since i was in a relationship 16 years and never once wanted to marry) i thought he was the man for me, but i still think about ending it and feel guilty for wanting to end it over something that i am unsure if it is OTT.

pregnantpause Mon 03-Dec-12 13:01:29

It's obviously important to you. I personally think that there are very few ways in which a couple can share love and intimacy quite so well, and it is therefore important to me.
If he isn't recognizing how important it is to you and your relationship,then perhaps you should spell it out. 'dp lately I feel that the lack of sexual intamacy is pushing us apart and leading me to consider whether we should be a couple at all?' he should know just what he stands to lose, not as a threat, but to give him a chance to reflect and change what can he changed. if he wants to that is. good luck

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 13:16:18

I can see that he's a good partner and father to your DCs, but ignoring your needs isn't ok. From your description of his previous marriage, maybe they had the same problem before and that's why the ex cheated on him? If he really wants to address it, perhaps the first thing is to go to your GP together and see what help is available. He needs to realise that this is a major issue for you - its not OTT - you need to feel loved and appreciated, quite apart from the fact that discovering a new sex life together could be a wonderful thing for both of you. I expect he's not happy being reminded that he's not satisfying you sexually, so it needs to be handled sensitively of course.

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 13:17:14

Hi pregnantpause,

I have spelt it out to him, he has high blood pressure and was prescribed tablets for it which led to him having erection problems. We spoke about how this problem was impacting on the relationship and i suggested he went to the doctors (he did eventually) and was told not to take viagra but he did without me knowing and i wasnt pleased about this, so he suggested an open realtionship which i said noway to so he knows how important it is to me/us as a couple.

I had sexual relations with "friends" in my 16 year relationship not because i wasn`t satisfied it was more to do with no affection at all ,which he knows about and one time when i was angry and upset with him i said " you expect me to be faithful to you but you don`t give me any sex even tho you know how important it is to me".

I have tried talking to him, ignoring him, spelling it out to him but he just wont deal with it. Even when we do have sex its like i am the one doing all the "extras" and it really pisses me off to the point i thought sod it i aint doing the "extras" anymore.

I do really love this man and normally i am a closed off person, but with him i am happy to show affection and look forwards to him finishing work etc... its a no win situation, i very much don`t want to leave him over it but then find myself thinking about it feeling guilty that i thought about it too and plan it out in my head.

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 13:22:25


raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 13:23:02

What did the doctor recommend?

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 13:30:32

They changed him medication and he no longer has the erectile problems. I don't think he mentioned the lack of wanting sex to them even tho when I look back it was a problem back then too.

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 13:33:05

Can you both go together and have the conversation with the GP? Not easy I know, but they must hear it all the time and see what he/she recommends?

VoiceofUnreason Mon 03-Dec-12 13:37:28

I left my ex-partner after 5 years without sex. It was awful. She was happy with things that way, I wasn't. Can't believe I stuck it out that long but in the end, love wasn't enough.

I honestly don't think it will improve, OP, but what concerns me more is that you say his ex-wife was his "only love". Why would you marry someone who doesn't love you????

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 13:40:24

No chance would he do that he just isn't a confident man he struggles to talk to me about it never mind his female GP.

I too wouldn't feel comfortable doing that tbh it's like public humiliation and at our ages should be able to sort it if only he would address the situation.

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 13:44:48

Sorry voiceofreason, when i say "first love" i mean that has been his one and only relationship and the fact he slept with 1 other person in his whole life he is 39, i do not doubt for one minute that we love each other.

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 13:56:35

I can't see how you can sort this out without outside help - GP or counselling etc. You could try self-help books but if he's sticking his head in the sand and suggesting an open relationship, he's saying he's not willing to work on it effectively, isn't he? I'm afraid I couldn't live with that, you're only 2 years in - 20 years of unhappiness, frustration, resentment etc ahead of you - are you sure you're prepared to do that?

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 14:14:35

Exactly raskolnikov nor can i even with outside help, i suppose i have to think long and hard how much i am willing to put up with. sad

pregnantpause Mon 03-Dec-12 14:17:59

you said earlier that its like living with a friend- by suggesting an open relationshipshock that's exactly what it is to him and exactly what he wants- a friendsad if he won't change that, can you accept that?

gobbymare Mon 03-Dec-12 14:24:57

I took it as he would do anything to keep me with him even if it meant an open relationship (because he obviously knew/knows how important sex is/was) this was around the time he had erectile issues.
It was like he saw it as a souloution to his "problem".

No the way i am feeling right now i cannot accept it.

SisterCarla Mon 03-Dec-12 14:57:40

I come from a Christian background and was told that an active sex life with one's husband is the mortar which binds together the building blocks of all marriages, without it the marriage will fail. This can also be said for non-married relationships.

Yes, sex is that important.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 03-Dec-12 15:13:47

Compatibility is very important and sex is just one of the many things that make you compatible or incompatible. IME the little idiosyncracies that are a tolerable minor irritation in the early days of a relationship do not improve over time, they just get worse. It's a mistake to hope someone will change and love does not - contrary to popular opinion - conquer all. If you're happy with what sounds like a fantastic companion and nothing more that's fine. But if you really want an affectionate, tactile lover as well as a fantastic companion, this man will probably never fit the bill.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 03-Dec-12 18:40:40

Some people are really just not very interested in sex, and it sounds like he's one of them. It's neither wrong to have little or no interest, nor wrong to like it very much and want lots of it.
Your partner is the one who is being selfish here as he is basically fobbing you off and refusing to address the problem - he's content with the relationship as it is, and hopes that if he stalls long enough you will stop moaning and just put up with it.
Sorry but it's not going to improve because, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to make the effort to improve it. So you can either decide to accept things the way they are, bin him and look for someone else - or consider the possibility of having a more open relationship.

Apocalypto Mon 03-Dec-12 18:55:46

If he's 39, he's 15 to 20 years past his sexual peak. If you're about the same age, then you're at yours, more or less.

He probably feels the same way about sex as I do about deafening smoky clubs: been there, done that, 20 years ago, and it's no longer my idea of fun.

Once every six weeks feels within the range of normal. The low end to be sure, but still within the range.

From his point of view, you're demanding more sex than he wants. I don't think anyone in a relationship is automatically entitled to this. You can ask, but you have to accept the answer, you can't insist any more than he could insist on more from you.

Don't assume that if you keep pestering him he will change his answer. It may be less hassle for him to change you.

phoenixrose314 Mon 03-Dec-12 19:03:22

Yes, sex is important. Is one of the defining factors of a marriage or partnership that sets it apart from all the other friends and close mates in your life. It is a gift you should only be giving to that one person... something sacred and special and unique between the pair of you.

I have a higher sex drive than my husband, though it's gone a wee bit awry since getting preggers, but we've talked a lot about how important it is to keep our sex life alive and have tried new things to keep it going (nothing freaky, just different ways of having sex, mutually masturbating, that kind of thing).

Yes, you should be upset about this, but he must have his reasons. Maybe suggest counselling, if he's unwilling to analyse his feelings.

Apocalypto Mon 03-Dec-12 19:14:45

A man who's pushing 40 doesn't need counselling to understand why he's losing interest in sex, phoenix.

PanickingIdiot Mon 03-Dec-12 19:23:28

I agree it's a compatibility issue and I don't think it is likely to change.

People in the position of the OP's partner are often accused of being selfish or refusing to address the problem or "do anything to change" it etc. but, quite frankly, there's no cure for two people having incompatible sex drives. What is he supposed to do to change? There are several similar threads around all the time, from both men and women, some of whom have tried everything from counselling to viagra to seeing their GP and trying a number of dubious remedies, and nobody has ever come back with a solution to having a low sex drive, because it isn't, medically speaking, an illness. It's not even really a problem except from the point of view of the partner who has a different sex drive.

The only thing that really works is therefore to find a partner with more matching needs.

It sucks. But two years into the relationship it's not too late to cut your losses. Sorry.

MrsMushroom Mon 03-Dec-12 19:28:13

I disagree that sex is a gift it's nothing of the sort. Sex is a function which exists ideally in a loving relationship as part of a mutual need. It's not sacred either.

It's a bodily function which can be amazing when it's in a loving relationship....when people start calling it a gift, that's dangerous territory because it suggests that it should be given whether the giver wants it or not. Which is very wrong of course.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now