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Gutted - My 'Wedding Day' is off.

(68 Posts)
bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 09:50:19

I feel so stupid for being upset when there are real problems going on in the world but would love some help to try and get my situation into perspective. 10 years ago my husband and I wanted to get married but we were extremely strapped financially so decided to simply go to a registry office and get married officially and then re-say our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We had 4 guests on the day (his family), (I don't have any family but I did want some of my friends but we agreed they could go to the proper wedding). I had no dress, bouquet, nothing. We did have a couple of photos taken but that was that.
We already had two children together so I was happy that we all had the same name and we felt like a proper family.
Every year I have asked my husband to acknowledge our wedding anniversary and he has refused until this year. Year 10 when we were supposed to be having a wedding day (v small still but better than nothing). He point blank refused but said we could go to Budapest for the weekend instead. We went and he was a nightmare. He smelt and dressed like a tramp. So much for a romantic weekend away.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year because he had been very verbally abusive and I told him that I wouldn't wear my ring until he stopped abusing me, and that I would wear it again when we said our vows again. He has mostly stopped being abusive but last night I tried to talk about our 'wedding day' to reassure him that I would be happy to keep it small he got really nasty and told me he had made a mistake getting married in the first place.
I guess I just wanted to feel special and loved for the day and now that's off and I feel stupid for being so tearful.
I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.
But I wish I didn't feel so gutted.
Thanks for letting me babble on....

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 09:51:58

I would also say your "marriage" is off

Please don't stay with an abusive man for your daughters, you are teaching them some terrible lessons.

You don't have to stay married for your children, you are being abused, he's an arsehole - leave.

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 09:53:54

Crikey - it's YOU who should be putting the kybosh on this celebration.
Think about it...why are you so keen to celebrate this miserable union, where you are devalued and disrespected?
Do you think it will prove how much he loves you?
I think he has already proved how much he doesn't.

Sorry to be so harsh, bit what's in it for you other than the dress?

ohfunnyface Mon 03-Dec-12 09:56:46

Would you want your daughters to mimic your relationship?

By staying with their dad you're telling them it is ok to be verbally abused and unloved.

And it isn't, it really really isn't.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 10:02:21

You are all right and pictish I think you've hit it on the head when you say it's about him proving that he loves me. And I think that's why I need to get my head sorted about it. I'm crying over the loss of an event rather than focusing on the real issue.
Just need to pull myself together a bit.
Thank you everyone

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 10:05:32

No need to leave your dreadful husband, and live a life where you are regarded well and treated with respect.
No party is ever going to put things right between you.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. x

Mayisout Mon 03-Dec-12 10:23:57

The DDs can have a good relationship with him even if you separate. It could be even a better relationship because they won't see his abuse of you.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 03-Dec-12 10:24:23

No, you do NOT have to stay married for them. A marriage is between two people. Children are part of a family and not a marriage. If the marriage breaks down, the children still have a dad.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 10:29:47

I'm getting some good advice here and I really appreciate it. My girls are the only precious things in my life.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Mon 03-Dec-12 10:32:36

I can sort of understand your disappointment, I'd love a lovely day (not big and expensive just lovely!), big dress & beautiful ring. BUT I'd rather chew my left arm off then marry into his family and take his families name.

He's misold you a dream. I think you know what you need to do xx

Northernlurker Mon 03-Dec-12 10:35:36

You poor lass. Ten years is a long time waiting for somebody to be something that they aren't.

I agree - this is a terrible 'marriage'. The best thing you can teach your daughters is not to stay with an abusive man.

squeakytoy Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:04

OP, in another ten years time, your girls will be independent adults. Would you really want to spend another decade of misery, and then be left with just him and you on your own when the girls have long since moved out?

They wont be damaged by their parents relationship ending, they will possibly be damaged by spending their teenage years growing up in the atmosphere that they currently live in as they will be becoming more aware of relationships and yours so far is the only adult relationship that they see every day.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:36

I agree with all of the others.

You aren't doing your girls any good whatsoever by staying with him. If one of your girls was in a relationship like this, what would you say to her?

It's time to show them that this is NOT acceptable and you and they are worth more than this.

cakehappy Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:57

My parents stayed together for the sake of the children and totally fucked us up in the meantime. They finally seperated and so much damaged had been done, we have never all been together in the same place since. If you want to truly do the best thing for your daughters, dont let them witness their mum being verbally abused by their dad. MUCH more damaging then living with a single(often happier) parent Dont fool yourself that they dont know what is going on either. You can also open your future to having a wonderful wedding but perhaps to a man who loves you enough to help you make your dreams come true which the man you are with doesnt seem to want to do. Not acceptable in my book. Have a think about these things, this man treats you badly. The wedding is a red herring, I think you have to look at how he is with you on all levels.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 10:46:54

I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.

No you don't.
Your H won't disappear just because you separate and girls are extremely resilient.
I'd worry more if you had two boys, actually.

If this marriage is essentially abusive and it's making you unhappy, it is also damaging your girls.

I have one boy, and he has only had skype and phone contact with his dad for over a year and TBH, I think he's better off than when ex was at home.
He has a happier mum, lots more socialising, and better male role models.

DeafLeopard Mon 03-Dec-12 10:50:21

<<applauds pictish>>

OP you deserve better and you have several people here telling you that.

Your DDs do not need you to live this miserable existence

quietlysuggests Mon 03-Dec-12 11:26:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 11:41:08

Just had another blazing row with him when he came to pick up his lunch. I never usually shout but I really do feel pushed to the edge this morning.
I feel so confused but I hear what you are all saying so I've made an appointment to talk to someone at Women's Aid because I've a horrible feeling this could turn even nastier.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:52:01

Women's Aid is an excellent idea. This man is nasty, and likely to turn nastier if he realises you will not stand for his shit.

Xenia2012 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:23:03

Good plan. My divorce was one of the best things I did and was of benefit to the children.

As well as sorting out your feelings think about money and where you will live and jobs and things ilke that.

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 13:19:22

Excellent plan OP. Women's Aid will definitely help you.

CailinDana Mon 03-Dec-12 13:29:01

Think about it OP, if in 10 years time your daughters say the knew how unhappy you were (and believe me, they do) and ask you why you stayed, are you going to tell them it was because of them? Do you think they'll be grateful?

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 13:36:50

By agitating to have a big day you're sending the message that you will put up with anything. it sounds like he wants out too tbh. Don't settle for one day. Split up and have your LIFE. I did and I have NO regrets. My x was verbally abusive to me as well. I was called a cunt and a hairy midget and too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal (because I'd put broccoli in it to make it healthier). Honestly, the freedom is great. I accept now I'll never have the big day, blah blah blah!!! and even if I did have it now i'd have to wear a suit like penny from 'just good friends' when vince finally married her! but one day is nothing! don't waste your life for the sake of one day of putting on a nice show.

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 13:41:05

ps, you can be a good mother and it is up to him to be a good father. splitting up won't prevent him from being a good father IF he is one. But a lot of men, 90% of abusive fathers who have partners who are reluctant to leave them because they are such great fathers, well, really, what are they afraid of then? do they think that these great fathers will cease to be great fathers when it's not convenient any more. I had these thoughts too, although I wouldn't ever have labelled him 'great'. But it turns out that he can only be a mediocre father if it's convenient!!! well how about that. Not so great afterall, and to think I stayed about 3 years longer than I should have because he was a mediocre father. hmmm. Leave. If he's going to be a good father he will be. A separation won't stop a genuinely good father from being a good father.

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