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He wants to be alone

(7 Posts)
cocobamba Sat 01-Dec-12 22:01:57

My partner and I split up a few weeks ago after a horrific row, very upsetting for both of us. He wouldn't speak to me for weeks but we have recently met up to talk and he says he just wants to be alone, doesn't want any more emotional entanglement but wants us to be friends .....

We have been together for over seven years, and have been through so much in that time, five of which was a LDR. For background, he moved in with me two years ago and has struggled to find work, and hasn't worked in that time. I have had to work full time but our finances have always been separate. It's been a horrible year with major family problems for him, I have lost a very close friend and my youngest DC has left home.

Right now I would still try to repair this relationship but he seems to have made up his mind that the last two years have shown us to be incompatible, whereas I feel it is the things life has thrown at us that we haven't coped with. I know I need to give up now but feel so, so sad that he doesn't seem to want this to work.

Please wise ladies, please tell me that when a man says he wants to just be alone, after such a long and, what used to be, a lovely relationship that has gone wrong, it really means there is someone else? I have suspected this but he does of course deny, but he would.....

Thank you so much for reading, it is just so painful.

ErikNorseman Sat 01-Dec-12 22:11:00

I'm sorry it has ended and you are sad
Chances are he doesn't have someone else, though it's possible
I married my h after a LDR, we struggled for ages, finally I admitted to myself that a strong couple deals with the shit life throws you together, and if you don't, it's done.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 22:12:41

Not always. Often but not always.

Its been a hard few years. I have been there. Dh and split, we were getting divorced. He tried to get me back and I ran further. When he let me alone, I came home.

I don't know why I ran. It had been a terrible year and I just didn't want to feel anything anymore.

What I am saying is, if hr wants out. Leave him be. Don't beg, chase etc.

I am not saying he will come back. But perhaps some time away is what he needs.

if he is seeing someone else I would give the same advice. Don't beg, chase or try to get him back. The secrets will come out eventually.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 01-Dec-12 22:13:28

FWIW my experience is that the kind of person who has stepped out but 'wants to be friends' is not seeing someone else. I could be way off but it's more normal for someone in that situation to detach from the old partner and become very distant. They might start behaving very coldly or finding reasons to actively dislike you as a way of justifying the switch.

So I'd take him on face-value. Maybe he feels it's all been a mistake - particularly the last two years - and the relationship worked much better when it was LDR. Not uncommon. It could also be that his wish to walk away from 'emotions' means that he's stressed or depressed.... not coping anything like as well as you think.

cocobamba Sat 01-Dec-12 22:20:16

Thank you. He has become very distant and I do also think he may be depressed or at least very upset this hasn't worked out. He gave up a job and lifestyle to be with me. I will leave him be now.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 22:27:13

Depression was part of it for me.

cocobamba Sat 01-Dec-12 22:37:09

Cogito, yes I think he feels the last two years have been a mistake. Our long LDR was fun, both of us always on holiday, but we always wanted to be together. Since he's been here, money has been tight and obviously, what with kids and me being tired from working, it's been stressful. Brady, do you mean you were depressed?

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