I'm terrified DD is going under

[DDinpain]

My beautiful, fiery, generous, wonderful, funny, quirky, saviour-of-the-world 18yr old DD has got herself mixed up with a very disturbed man and it is killing me.

Over the course of the last 18 months she has struggled at school and messed up her ASs, dropped to about 6.5 stone, caught an STD and had a termination. The latest seems to be that her friends have now walked away saying that she is no longer someone that they want to be around. She has just told me and I am sitting here sobbing.

He is controlling, jealous and abusive and she just can't see it. He has cheated on her more times than I can count (and that's just the times she's told me about!). He hates all of her male friends and regularly treats her like shit in public. She assures me that he is loving and funny etc the rest of the time, but doesn't seem to get that doesn't balance out the way he behaves for the rest of the time.

She told me last night that he went to see someone about his anxiety and has been referred to a psychoanalyst as they believe he has underlying issues - no shit!

She knows very well how I feel about him and whenever she tells me yet another horror story about him I don't start screaming and shouting (learned that lesson early on when she just clammed up completely!). I try to explain how his behaviour is SO wrong and how he is manipulating everything about her life, but so far to no effect. She understands that he is wrong, but just doesn't seem able to leave him.

I just want to ban her from seeing/communicating with him ever again, but know that it wouldn't work. How the hell do I get her away from this soul destroying relationship?

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

You can't do anything other than be there to pick the pieces up when it all goes horribly wrong. That's the sad thing. She's now her own woman, all you can do is be there, listen, councel her, guide her without being obvious that you loathe him, becasue all you will do if you criticise him is drive her into his arms, and he will isolate her from you .

Is there the possibility of you taking her on holiday, well away, a "girly" week perhaps? Away from him, she might see the light, but I doubt it.

[hillyhilly]

I've learnt a huge amount about abusive relationships by reading the threads on here. Would she maybe read them? Maybe it'd would help her see a few red flags for herself, other than that I think you are doing all you can in staying calm and supportive. How awful for you both.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Argh, I actually felt a little bit sick reading your OP. It must be awful for you to see your daughter in this situation. I don't know what you can do realistically, but I think I'd want to kill him a bit. Sympathies :(

[Bluestocking]

You poor thing, and your poor DD. I agree with Ophelia, there's nothing you can do or say to make her see what a shit this man is. Unfortunately, she has to see it herself, and that could take a while.
You say she's messed up her ASs - is she still at school? Is he older than her? Where did they meet? I really feel for you, this must be agonising.

[Mu1berries]

There's a book, lynn fairweather of merriweather. Hang on a minute.

[ATouchOfStuffing]

He is using his anxiety to make her feel he isn't to blame for the nasty things he is doing to her. If he is anything like my ex, surprisingly no drugs or any CBT or even hypnotherapy will work. Why? Because they constantly want to create drama and therefore their lives are always stressful. I doubt he will even go to more than one or two sessions.

You probably know that.

Unfortunately as she is 18 there is little you can do for her other than to be strong for her, as she will need to have someone looking out for her. It is very very sad her friends can't see that she needs people who are sane to stick with her to help her as leaving him with no support will be much harder. Any way you can keep in touch with her friends and keep them on side in the hope that when she leaves him they can help/take her out? It sounds as though they are reacting to him and what he is doing to her and perhaps think they are giving her an ultimatum? Him or them? Again my ex tried to drive away all of my friends. Have you tried to ask her who she trusts more, them or him? That is what finally pulled the wool from my eyes. She may have been conditioned by him to think they are just jealous or something though, so be warned.

I feel for you but think this is something she is just going to have to grow through on her own with you supporting from a distance. All you can do is advice a little but not preach. Keep her living with you (i.e don't throw a massive wobbler and give her an ultimatum) as the more people he alienates the more dependent upon him she will become.

Have a glass of wine too

[DDinpain]

I doubt it too, we/she and friends have been away several times over the last 18 months, it doesn't have any effect except to make her miss him.

My belief is that it has already gone terribly wrong, but she is still there. I am scared that she is going to mess up her A levels, lose all of her friends and completely lose herself. To be honest, I think am terrified she is going to kill herself and I will lose her forever.

[DDinpain]

Sorry, took a long time typing as am crying too much

[Mu1berries]

there's a book recommendation here that might help your dd

I haven't read it. A much, much lighter read I think is sherry argov's BITCHES. it's about marching to the beat of your own drum and it paints a healthy picture of love.

[ATouchOfStuffing]

Is she receiving counselling at all?

[ImperialBlether]

Oh OP, what a terrible situation you're all in.

Do you have anyone in your family or a friend who lives a long way away? I always thought I'd stage an intervention if things got as bad as this. I have a friend in Australia who has a daughter the same age and we had a pact that if things got bad we'd send our daughters to each other to save them.

[ATouchOfStuffing]

She clearly thinks she is helping him, but is probably enabling him instead.
Worth trying to show her that her letting him treat her this way won't help his mental issues at all.

[DDinpain]

Thank you all. I have bought her the Lundy Bancroft book, but am unsure how to approach her with it.

i would never throw her out, I am here for her whatever happens. It is having an impact on me and her brothers though (no DH and she has no relationship with her father so he cannot get involved).

[ATouchOfStuffing]

Re the book, can you just leave it in her room/on her bed with a post-it with X's on, so she knows it isn't a battle cry?

[Mu1berries]

All you can do is surround her with love and support and calmness and hope that she takes a deep breath and decides to endure the 'court case' that will ensue if she tells him it's over.

you could say that IF she ever decided to end it you would deal with his calls.

[DDinpain]

Stuffing she has seen a counsellor at school, but says that talking makes things worse. One of her tutors has recommended a psychiatrist and I have offered the counsellor I saw during the break up with her father, but she refuses to see anyone.

love the idea of sending her away, except for retakes in January and A levels in the summer. Or do we throw away education and just get her well? i am not sure separating them will be effective at the moment. I am helping her arrange her gap year - Australia/Thailand, but not until the summer and I worry about the months in between.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh no :( every mothers nightmare- I truly feel for you.
I have two DD, 2yearsand one5months. I just cannot imagine how you must feel- heartbroken.

It sounds as if you're 'playing' this well. She's confiding in you which is great. You obviously have a great relationship with her. All you can do is continue to be there and love her as you are doing, advising when she asks for it.

I think you should defo spend as much time with her as poss. If a film comes out she likes, treat her to it, suggest a shopping trip, a trip to c her favourite aunty- anything, just to allow her to spend time with u, away from him.

Do you allow them to spend time together at your house (not sure how you'd keep your hands off of him tbh). I suppose it would be better for them to be together with u around.

What relationship does she have with her dad/your husband? Could he/they try talking to her about relationship 'stuff' that's on her mind? I agree with the poster up thread who suggested suggesting she reads some of these posts- might help.

Big hugs op. Hang in there- it must be so hard.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

Is he much older than her?

[mammadiggingdeep]

I think don't worry about a levels until she's in a better place tbh xxx

[ATouchOfStuffing]

I don't know if she reads this it might help?
www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/c/22705/103332/members-enabler

The school counsellor probably was asking her questions that made her think negatively of him and she didn't like feeling she was betraying him. Maybe try again with your counsellor in a few weeks. Saying it is just about de-stressing her before exams may help, rather than focusing on it being about him and his treatment of her. (Just get her through the door and let the professional do that bit ).

She may need to deal with it all after her exams - perhaps the stress of them is making her depend on him more than it would otherwise?

[DDinpain]

Yes older, 5/6 years. She didn't tell me about him to begin with. She met him on holiday the sumer before last when she went away with her friend's family. She is/was at school with his little brother.

He does not come here at all. He knows better than to come anywhere near me (or she knows better than to let him). Her brothers (11 & 15) would not let him in the house, although I try very hard not to let them know how he treats her. The younger one has heard her on the phone on occasions and says that she doesn't sound like herself and becomes all weak and pathetic.

I have just asked her what she would say if I told her not to see him any more and she said, 'I can't, I just can't' and walked out of the house.

I want to kill him

[lisad123]

I assume she lives with you?
Are you concerned enough that moving might be an option?

[IvanaNapAfterChristmasDinner]

OP are drugs involved at all? Don't want to be insensitive or upset you further, but that plus the thought he was older occurred to me reading your OP. So sorry for you, I hate him too just reading your posts!

[Seabright]

Would she read this thread? Plus some other on this board dealing with controlling men?

Maybe she could post her own question?

Do you think she'd like you to ban her from seeing him? Would that take the pressure off her?

[DDinpain]

Thank you so much for your support.

yes lisad, she still lives with me (thank God!). Not sure if moving would really be an option - my job, my DSs schools and an elderly widowed Mum also have a say in where we live. Also, in the time it would take to sell the house etc, she would probably be finished with school and ready to travel for her gap year.

Drugs Ivana? Haven't seen any signs. Alcohol, yes, but she is very scornful of anybody in her social circle who takes any type of drugs (not saying that she never has, not that naive!), but pretty sure that it is not something happening regularly. She is also incredibly aware of what she looks like and I'm not sure that she would do something that would impact on her looks!