Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OK. LETS GET THIS OFF OUR CHESTS .... if you COULD write a letter to the OW .....

(130 Posts)
stoopidCUPID Fri 30-Nov-12 23:19:09

.... what would you say?


Now, yes, I know in RL this is a real NO NO - but my thinking is, hey, why dont we all offload on MN and get this out of our systems?

Personally, I just wouldnt go there, in real terms, if you see what I mean - I just wouldnt post that letter/send that email.

But boy oh boy it would be nice to just vent my feelings and basically just say piss off - but without the explitives! lol

(Im actually off to bed right now but I promise to add mine later this weekend)

So, come on everyone - VENT VENT VENT VENT

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 22:32:00

Dear OW,

I don't think you are a bad person (although I think you are really stupid to forget that married men lie), I know how good looking he is and how compelling he can be, and I don't doubt what he said to you in order to get you to believe how much he loved you and that he wasn't in a marriage any more in anything but name. That I kept flying back and forth to be with the children probably helped your rationalisation that we were separated.

But really, did you have to help hurt me so much? Where is your self-esteem, that you consented to being f ed in my house, in my bed??? How did it feel, when I used to ring up whilst you were there? Surely you could hear that there was no conflict? And then you would walk upstairs in my house, and have sex in one of the rooms. When he clearly chose you above me, his wife (in stuff only you he and I know about), you must have felt soooo loved! Of course you made him more happy! Of course you were more important! Whatever I did or did not do I did not deserve to be hurt and devalued like this.

I want you to know that I really loved him. I know we had problems, that he never gave, that I always sacrificed, but I thought that if I just said the right thing, made enough effort, that we would connect...

but you know, we are in the same boat now. When I finally had enough of the mistreatment and found you, he dumped you summarily and without remorse. So we both found out his real persona, at round about the same time. We have both been treated as objects and used.

I am so sorry you got hurt and humiliated like that; but I wish you had thought just a little bit about mine, and my wonderful children. The Dalai Lama says: 'above all other things, can we not hurt eachother?'

I earnestly hope and aspire that I never hurt someone the way you helped hurt and humiliate me. The Hippocratic Oath says: 'above all, do no harm'. Jesus said: 'love your neighbour, as you love yourself.'

When we forget these truths, we forget our humanity.

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 02-Dec-12 22:34:48

Dear OW
If he gets really drunk there's a fair chance he'll shit the bed.
Best get a mattress cover.

Love, Arthur.

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 22:57:10

Soupdragon I was speaking in general terms, rather than specifically about you and your case. Keep it civil please. I'm just adding my two pennorths worth to the discussion, same as everyone else.

And on that note, don't feel embarrassed on my account Worldcitizen. There's nothing embarrassing to me about having an alternative opinion. This is a forum for open discussion after all. With respect, it is up to me to decide when and where I post and I see no need for me to apologise - I've done nothing wrong.

As you were.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Dec-12 23:10:00

There's never been an ow for me (hopefully there never will be!!!) but as a woman I find it incredible that any woman would say an ow who knowingly gets involved with a married father is just an 'ordinary woman'. No way!!!!!! What kind if morals do you live by to think this is ok?? Strange. I wonder how you'd feel if it were you being betrayed to the extent that some of these posters have been??

I have a few friends who, over the years, have had affairs with married men, knowingly. It always changes my opinion of them- it's just something I wouldn't do. Theyve very much had the opinion of 'well I'm not married to him'. What's notable though is that the women I know that have done this were all at a low ebb/lonely/slightly desperate for attention at the time. One of them years later had her own fiancé cheat on her and she really felt she deserved it as payback for what she had done to the poor wife of her 'ex'.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Dec-12 23:11:51

I meant...they are if the opinion, I'm not married to in they don't owe her anything. Sorry- too late, too tired.....

pennymixup Sun 02-Dec-12 23:29:29

and I thought you might say that AF!
what does it matter how old I am and how is it gatecrashing?
do you lot have nothing better to do than post endlessly on here about how much you hate OWs?

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 23:42:29

I don't think it's ok Mamma. I think to have an affair with a man you know is married is to behave badly. It is something that goes against my own personal moral code and something I like to think I would never do.

However, lots of ordinary people do things they know to be wrong. Lots of people make mistakes. People tend to make a grab at happiness (or what they think might lead to happiness) where they can, and will often kid themselves of all sorts of things in order to be able to justify it.

What I'm trying to say is that OW aren't a species of their own - they are just women like you and I. And I'll bet you many of them would once have said that they would never become involved with a married man... until they did.

Like Soupdragon said, different people have different standards and different moral codes and we judge each other based on those. Well part of mine is that I don't use misogynist language or call other women sexually degrading names. I find it unacceptable. I don't expect everyone else to feel the same, but I will state my case as I see fit.

Beograde Mon 03-Dec-12 07:56:22

Just wanted to add a voice of support to the general point that ftd is making. I can understand why one might hate the ow, but some of the letters are wince inducing

MrsFlibble Mon 03-Dec-12 08:37:50

Fuckitthatlldo When a woman had knowingly set out to destroy your life, out of some sort of triumph, then i think i few bad words that shes not gonna hear is acceptable, some have been a bit extreme, but kinda understandable.

Now maybe a thread to send letters to the deceitful men too.

TwoIfBySea Mon 03-Dec-12 08:49:31

Fuckit, believe it or not this kind of letter writing exercise can help people move on. Writing down exactly what you want to say to the OW, ex-h, whoever has wronged you and even writing a reply closes the chapter rather than leaving the hurt and betrayed in limbo. It saves you wanting to say it in real life too because you've already played out the scenario. I wrote my letter, and response and it was refreshing how it made me let go of the anger and pain even though this was 5 years after the event (they're still together, she made sure she had a couple of kids asap and, in a way I think that's what she wanted him for. He is still a Walter Mitty type so - you reap what you sow.)

Raw emotion is what is left when you've been humiliated and hurt, it's not misogyny. The misogyny is found in the actions of any woman who can involve herself with such a man. Yes the majority of responsibility lies with the man, let's not forget that but to be an OW requires a great degree of selfishness and lack of moral fortitude.

I'm sure we've all been attracted to a man only to find out he is attached. The next step is the one that proves your character and yes, I have walked away myself feeling very sorry for myself as I did but what would I have been if I'd persued?

It's another form of selfishness in a way, can you live knowing you're capable of deceit and cruelty?

DinosaursOnAnAdventCalender Mon 03-Dec-12 09:05:39

Dear OW,

I don't hate you, I won't call you names or patronise you with comments about your age and being a teenager, I won't give you warnings that you'll ignore and I won't give you any advice that you won't listen too.

But, and this is all I ask of you, I would appreciate it if you could do one thing for me. In many many years time on your 40th birthday I would ask that you spare me a thought. You'll more than likely be a mother by then, maybe a wife, definitely a different person than you are today at 18 years old. I ask that you look back at this whole situation and just for a minute put yourself in my place, imagine your children in the situation that mine are are, imagine your daughter in each of our positions and imagine your son was a man who had made the same choices in his life as xxxxx has. I hope by this point you'll have the knowledge and the wisdom, the life experience and the compassion to realise and understand the hurt you've helped cause and to regret it.

This will mean nothing to you right now, but one day it will, one day you will look back and pause to think, one day you will be so ashamed and I hope you find it in yourself to forgive your self when you do.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 10:28:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:16:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:25:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:30:55

I've asked for those 2 posts to be deleted, worried about identifying myself (and her).

I understand your point of view, AF, but she is lonely and unhappy and we've been friends for a long time; I don't think I could end our friendship over it, despite our diametrically opposed opinions. Perhaps I need to be a bit tougher.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:39:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theykillhorses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:46:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 12:00:30

That was thoughtful of you, AK, thanks. Agree with everything you said btw.

Anskabel Mon 03-Dec-12 12:33:46

Dear NW,

It's interesting to see that my exDP has chosen yet another victim woman who is not only looks exactly like me but also appears to have exactly the same interests, talents and style.

When he chews you up and spits you out, I wonder whether we'll become good friends, just like I've become with his most recently ex, another bright sassy woman who looks like she was separated from me at birth.

Hopefully it won't take you as long as I did to see the light. In the meantime, here's your survival kit:

1) Plastic sheet - you'll need this for when he wets the bed. He can't handle his drink.

2) Overdraft extension - he'll never pay for anything. Don't expect any Christmas presents - he'll claim he's "skint" then spend £1000 a month on his "hobbies."

3) Pushchair - he can't cope with walking further to the corner shop to get his fags without having a tantrum, despite the fact he is an able bodied 34 year old man.

4) Number for your local curry house. He won't eat ANYTHING but takeaway curry and tells you you're being selfish if you cook anything else and ask him to try it.

5) Laxatives. Because when your weight slips above 10st from all that curry you've been eating, you'll be "showing him up" in front of his mates.

Good luck. I look forward to swapping stories with you one day when you've escaped :-)

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 12:44:05

(AF, I meant. Doh.)

Proudnscaryvirginmary Mon 03-Dec-12 13:18:44

Dinosaurs - your post is so, so moving.

I think it's a great idea to vent on here and to express the rage and grief these OW have caused. However, I also smart at the words 'whore', 'bitch', 'skank' etc. I understand the vitriol and the anger - and I also agree that you are justified in despising the OW as well as your unfaithful husbands/ex husbands... I just don't like the mysogynist language. These women have let down the sisterhood (sorry - boak) by their actions, why play by the same rules?

higgle Mon 03-Dec-12 13:27:53

Perhaps the OW would like to start a thread in a similar vein about the wives? none of this sort of behaviour is productive and being eaten up with hatred is not good.

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Dec-12 13:36:35

What behavior?

It's venting isn't it?

Why on earth would the OW have anything to say about wives?!

I totally agree that being eaten up with hatred is not good though. Best thing to do is be happy and smile knowingly.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: