DH & ILs

[AyeOopMoose]

DH & I had planned to do a car boot sale to raise much need funds for Christmas and get rid of lots of junk! We were then going to take DC to see a Xmas event in our local town on Sunday (DC too young to know about this). This has been planned for a couple of weeks.

It's FiL birthday this week and one of our DCs. I've asked DH if anything was happening for his DF and he said not that he knew of but maybe we'd go and visit next weekend.

Weds, DH gets a call from MiL "inviting" us to go out to lunch on Sunday. He says we were planning to do a carboot but will check with me and is sure that it'll be ok for us to go.

I'm really pissed off with DH for not saying to MiL along the lines of would have been great but we have plans and had you told us sooner we'd have loved to come but now we can't but will see them next week. DH and I have been having relationship counselling and I feel let down by his response as I feel he hasn't thought of me and the children.

I am also annoyed with MiL.

To put this into context MiL has a history of being v manipulative (which DH has acknowledged) but in this case I think it's just the fact that she has assumed we will/be able to drop everything to do what she wants. It must have been planned as DH's sister is attending and she lives 100s miles away and is busy most weekends unless she has VAST notice.

So I am asking for advice, firstly in how to resolve the resentment I feel toward DH for not valuing our plans (and am I fair to feel this?) and what to say to MiL (without sounding like a cow or am I?). Am I over reacting?

[akaemmafrost]

Why is it "inviting"? Why not just inviting? What do the quotation marks imply?

From your post I can't see what the problem is. His Mum has asked him to a family lunch for his Dad. He said yes . I understand you had other arrangements but I'd a bit annoyed if my OH got the hump because I wanted to go to my fathers birthday party instead of doing a boring old car boot sale.

I think you're overreacting, to put it mildly.

[akaemmafrost]

Why do YOU need to say anything to MIL? What would be trying to communicate to her?

[AyeOopMoose]

The "inviting" was because it was not an invitation. It was an instruction that we had to go. I agree the car boot sale is boring but we need the money and the lunch will be even more boring and stressful it really won't be a party!

The problem is that we have been given no notice and already had plans. A similar thing happened last year. We now have 2 very DC under 2 and in the run up to Xmas are busy. I would have no issue going to celebrate FiL birthday but am unhappy this is at the expense of our family plans. We could have done something on the Sat but this doesn't suit SiL (again no problem with this but do have a problem that her needs are considered when ours aren't).

I would like MiL to know that we have had to cancel plans, which I know her DD wouldn't do, and that we need more notice in future. The problem is I know she will find offence in this.

[AyeOopMoose]

Oh and the car boot was only part of our plan. The majority of the day was going to be taking DCs to Xmas parade.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

You have decided to do a boot sale

It coincides with your FIL and DCs birthday

No one knows you are doing a bootasle

You get invited out for lunch

Its absolutely shit, really awful your FIL has a birthday >sarcasm

[akaemmafrost]

Ok understanding a bit more. I personally am quite up front and would say something like "it's a good thing we managed to come because we'd planned loads for that day, was this a last minute thing? Give us a bit more notice next time will you? We would have hated to have missed it ".

I can see that if this is a regular way of doing things it would annoy you. And I can also see why you'd be annoyed with dh. Remember though he is conditioned to accept this kind of thing, probably seems normal to him.

[AyeOopMoose]

Ophelia DH DID know that we had plans which he didn't tell MiL about for fear of upsetting her. I had previously specifically asked if anything had been planned and when nothing was forthcoming then thought it ok to make plans for that weekend. Like I said, I have no issue with celebrating FiLs Birthday. I do have an issue with my plans being ignored. Oh and for the record I really don't want to swan off to a car boot sale but being on mat leave we really need the money to help with Christmas, it's not a jolly!

ak that's just the sort of line I was looking for. Thanks! I think you're right about DH but I just find it so frustrating. We're moving forward in counselling & then I feel this is a step backwards.

[Nanny0gg]

Why didn't your DH ask your MiL if anything was in the offing before you made a decision?

[AyeOopMoose]

Ah Nanny that is the question! TBH probably because he is a bit disorganised.

When we last saw them, about 2 weeks ago, there was vague mutterings from DH about let me know if anything is planned and I guess he didn't follow it up. I think there was talk of something next weekend (which we HAVE left free) but I was looking after DC at the time and not involved in the conversation.

I would have hoped MiL would have told him sooner (than 3 days notice) and I guess that is the issue I have with her.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I didn't read it as FIL's birthday and DC's is on the same Sunday, MIL selected that day as a convenient time to rope SIL into visiting, who is cunning enough to live well away out of range and demands lots of notice.

Trouble is if MIL has a habit of bossing people it was almost predictable she would have lined up something for a weekend either side of FIL's birthday and expect everyone to show up.

If DH isn't very good at standing up to her and the same thing happened a year ago, perhaps you could have foreseen this was going to happen. I know you don't have a crystal ball but when nothing took place last weekend didn't you have the tiniest suspicion she'd have something cooked up for this weekend?

FWIW I don't think this spells that DH isn't trying to make an effort and prioritise you and DCs, I think it's more likely as akaemmafrost says, he has a whole weak spot when his parents say jump and that's been the way for years long before you came into his life.

DH did stick his neck out and say you two were planning something even if he didn't fully turn her down. I know it puts you in the role of bad guy saying "no" but maybe you could do what SIL says, start a campaign for more advance notice in future, DH might accept that is fairer to you as a family.

This year I guess FIL's birthday celebration does trump the boot sale, is there any way you can do what you planned with DCs after lunch or will that be too far away and tiring for the little ones?

[howdoo]

On the face of it, asking people on Wednesday if they can come to lunch on Sunday, is quite a lot of notice.

But clearly, there are other issues - eg it wasn't asking, it was telling, and from what you are saying you and DH are having problems and, unsurprisingly, stuff that looks ok to an outsider brings up issues and thoughts that you have already had.

I don't think your DH did anything particularly wrong, but clearly you are already resentful of him/his family for reasons that may or may not be reasonable.

[orangina]

I think I would have been annoyed that DH put not wanting to upset his mother above not wanting to upset me and the dc. And I totally get where you are coming from.....

Would it be possible to get DH to say "no, we can't do Sunday lunch as we have plans, but perhaps we could all go out for dinner on Saturday night instead, as it would be a shame to miss Dad's birthday......?"

[orangina]

I think your DH should work on not junping when instructed by his parents, and if that involves him learning to say "Let me just check with Moose if we have plans and I'll get back to you....", then that's a start.....

[AyeOopMoose]

Thanks for the responses.

Donkey you are right, I knew she'd probably drop something on us but I thought it'd be next weekend, I think that might even have been vaguely mentioned last time we saw them.

No we can't do the other stuff with the DCs as it's a 3 hour round trip to ILs. They'd be too tired and we couldn't really get back/go to the event earlier.

As for Dh, yes, I think it is that he has always behaved like this with MiL. He "manages" her-his words and I do think he does try and think about me and DCs but just can't bring himself to make the final stand as it were.

He did say to MiL "think we've got something on, will check with Moose and am sure we can change it" when he KNEW we had plans for the parade that is only on Sunday. I feel in doing this he's painting me as the bad guy who would say no. I won't do this anyway as it's his family and he must make that call.

In doing this I am now grumpy and he doesn't understand how his actions have, in part, caused this.

In his defense though, he did try for Sat but his M has something on in the evening and couldn't possibly do 2 things on one day!

Maybe he has tried and I am being unfair. I do think MiL is to blame for not giving us more notice but she is as she is and won't ever change.

DH & I need to work out how to resolve this as it happens time and time again.

[squeakytoy]

An invitation (which is what it was... not an "invitation") on a weds for a sunday meal is plenty of notice. He could have simply said "we are doing a car boot sale first but could come over at xx time"..

I also think it is quite reasonable for a son to want to see his Dad on his dads birthday too.

As for the planned event in town, the children dont know about it, and are too young to really be that bothered anyway I would have thought, and might just enjoy spending time with their grandparents.

[Frikadellen]

I have to agree with the previous posters you are over reacting here.

It is his birthday I would have made the assumption that you would be going to see him. (asuming this is what usually happens) Hence have ensured dh had found out if that was needed. Before I made plans for other things either weekend.

I suspect there is more to it here however with this one you come accross as over reacting.

[DewDr0p]

OP we have the same issue with my MIL. She consistently makes last minute plans (and fwiw, I think a few days notice is fairly last minute) and then gets the hump if we have other plans.

I think all you can do is smile and say what a shame we can't make it. We've been doing that for a while (we generally do have other plans if not given any notice, our weekends are busy as we don't live esp near either of our families or our closest friends) and slowly she is starting to get the message and plan a little further in advance. Asking her to give us more notice made no difference - actions speak louder than words and all that.

However, in this instance, is it really a disaster to miss a car boot sale? Maybe go along this time, make the point that you were busy and resolve that in future you will go if you are free and decline if you're busy? Maybe for big things like birthdays you should take the initiative and say in advance "just checking if you want to do something for dfil's birthday - planning the diary and would hate to miss it"

[LAlady]

You've said you have left next weekend free - cant you do the bar boot sale then?

[AyeOopMoose]

Yes, we will do the car boot sale next weekend-weather permitting but obviously the Xmas parade we can't.

It's not FiL Birthday on the Sunday-it is actually on the Monday. DH won't leave work early so it's not a case of a son wanting to see his father on his birthday! Obviously he wants to see him but is not bothered if it is the weekend before or after.

I did ask if anything was planned but DH said he hadn't been told of anything. Maybe DH, maybe MiL to blame for not communicating.

I am genuinely surprised that some of you think 3 days notice for lunch is ok. With 2 DCs under 2 and in the run up to Christmas I really do think it is quite ridiculous to assume that we wouldn't have something planned.

So for this one we will go and I will smile sweetly because I am polite and would never dream of saying to DH that we aren't going.

However, I will use the lines that have been suggested to let MiL know that we have cancelled plans to be there and need more notice in future to ensure we don't have to "miss out".

Dew how did your MiL react when you have had to miss things? I just know that there will be a big scene, MiL will cry and we will be made to feel that it is all our fault (not that she should have told us earlier) and I actually hate for DH to be put in that position.