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I will never understand the OW

(143 Posts)
chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 18:54:46

This weekend my children will meet the OW who was sleeping with my husband this time last year, while I was pregnant. I knew it would happen and it's a shit as I always knew it would be. That's not what this post is about though...

As a preamble to meeting them, I've received a charming letter through my solicitor stating that as they began their relationship AFTER we separated, and as she works with vulnerable children and is CRB checked, I should basically be thrilled that they are in her care (with XH of course). Because essentially they have been saintly to wait this long as my lovely DC are quite clearly going to benefit from having her in their lives.

What I can't get my head around is that OW is included in ALL correspondence my XH sends. Solicitors letters, emails etc. She reads the abusive ones to me and his own mother. She obviously knows that this hearts and flowers introduction to my DC is a load of twaddle, as she knew I was pg when she was having an affair with my XH. So how does she not twig that he's an absolute see you next tuesday with repugnant moral standards? Why would she want to build a life with a man like my ex? I know we all miss 'red flags' (I did when I married him after all!) but when someone is so clearly abusive and lies ALL the time even in legal documents, and you KNOW that they are lying, what bit of your brain has to be switched off to say "oh look, there's a keeper"?

Feel sick and low tonight sad

mammadiggingdeep Tue 04-Dec-12 00:38:03

Have just read this thread-
Choco- what can I say??? Your dc are exactly the same ages as mine. Firstly,hats off to you girl!!!! I know how hard it is with two at these ages.....the fact that you're doing it not only on your own but whilst your coping with all this shit, is just incredible. I'm in awe of you- you sound so together and it is so clear you are truly putting your children's interests first. I truly cannot believe that your ex did that to you- what a despicable man. What type of fucked up woman would want to be with a man who had cheated on a pregnant wife and then walked out on two babies???!!!! She's got some bad karma heading her way, that's for sure. Jeez.
From the bottom of my heart I wish you and your babies the happiness you deserve. They're lucky to have a mummy like you.

AgathaF Tue 04-Dec-12 09:14:10

I remember your previous posts choco. I can't believe he is still being such a wanker.

You have simply got to make sure that somehow or other, OW gets to find out that her holiday destination is where you spent your honeymoon. She deserves that tarnish on it.

MrsFlibble Tue 04-Dec-12 09:36:50

The best revenge Choco will ever get on that.........cant even call him a man......will be to lead a happy life, be strong, move on, find a real man, be a pillar of love to her kids, and be able to say,

I did it all without you, you werent needed, didnt miss you at all

Thats when Karma will slap them both around the face, because Choco your ex just wants to make you jealous, in hope you sit around crying all day, he aint worth one tear.

LittleFrieda Tue 04-Dec-12 13:57:54

Choco - He should not be making his concubine party to your divorce and ancillary relief negotiations. It's an entirely private matter and I hope you will ask his solicitor to respect your privacy.

I hope you have a really excellent solicitor. Have you applied for maintenance pending suit? Please make sure you get your petition in very soon, and be the petitioner.

He really is classy isn't he, re the honeymoon place? Gah. Do you think his new woman knows you went there on honeymoon? I hope you've told her how lovely it is there.

chocoreturns Thu 06-Dec-12 19:03:46

DS2 is really poorly with bronchilitis.

twunty ex wants me to email updates while he's on honeymoon holiday because 'he worries'. I wish he did actually worry, I might think he's a bit more human. I suspect that email has been sent to appear like a normal human being to OW, no doubt so she can fret and fuss over him while they swan off for dinner somewhere on holiday. He might even get to cash in a sympathy blowjob.

I mean seriously, what is he going to do? Cut the trip short and fly home if DS2 is admitted to hospital? (like DS1 was with the same thing, when he didn't bother to come home and see him either - he went on a stag do that time angry) I don't think so.

I just can't even bring myself to bother getting in touch with him at all.

And now he asks me to let him see the boys extra next week because he has a few extra hours to kill on friday... I just despair.

blackcurrants Thu 06-Dec-12 19:38:11

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about DS2, Choco, how miserable for him and for you.

I can't imagine what it must be like, being always, always disappointed in someone like you must be in him. So awful.

AgathaF Thu 06-Dec-12 20:41:07

choco I hope your DS recovers very, very quickly.

andapartridgeinaRowantree Fri 07-Dec-12 01:58:15

I remember your threads Choco. I'm sorry it's now at the point of contact with the OW. Since I last read from you i've had my own DD. Can't imagine handing her over to a stranger while she's a baby.

Am I alone that thee should be some form of standard practice in the family courts which states new partners cannot be introduced until they've been together for more than a year.

And that there should be a lower age limit of a year for contact without custodial parent present?

Out of interest does anyone know if breastfeeding is considered by the courts?

andapartridgeinaRowantree Fri 07-Dec-12 01:58:40

I'm of course up at this time feeding baby! She's four weeks today :-)

Downunderdolly Fri 07-Dec-12 04:01:45

Hi Choco

I remember your original story and have looked at your blog and just wanted to add my sympathy and support. I also wanted to post this article that kind of articulated what I felt the first time my son left me overnight to spend time with his dad

It sort of sums up how I felt even though I know that contact is good but still it is so very very hard. The article talks about father's leaving their partners not their childrens. I slightly disagree with this in that when children are so young and partners leave without flagging there is a problem (as in mine and I believe your case) there is some sense of responsibility if not consequence. The first time my son met the OW he was taken 5 hours in the car out of state (I am in Australia - prevented from returning due to intl law even though only been her for 2 years when exH left) and spent the night in her son's room and then in 'their' bed. Quite confusing for a then 2.5 year old and whatever happened to a nice casual meeting in the park (arghghghghghgh). It is now two years later and the OW has formally moved in with my ex with her son and they have moved back to our resident City. Since then the OW has sent me a stinker of an email essentially pointing out her virtues and my flaws (unsolicited) and refuting the fact that they had an affair. In fact she told me she tried to save my marriage for me but my ex was seeking the emotional support in her he should have been getting from me. You couldn't actually make it up. But as many have said they have their own narrative and their own sense of what happened and nothing for now will shake this. I am not 100% successful but am getting better at distancing myself from the drama. I do sympathise with the playing to the crowd need for 'remote contact though'. We are soon to visit UK (only allowed once a year) for a month and despite 2 x 1 month periods when my ex's work has prevented him from seeing his son and there was zero attempt at calling/contact (I never stand in the way of this) as this time it is ME that is travelling and he has OW family with him he wants to skype every 10 seconds to show he is caring father. My son DOES have a positive relationship with him but it does wrankle as it tends to be the out of sight out of mind type approach to him.

Anyway my love, am fully in awe of your strenght and cannot imagine doing this with a new(ish) born so huge love and lots of love and positivity from down under.


saffronwblue Fri 07-Dec-12 05:26:25

Hi choco, how are you doing? Very hard for you to hand your Ds1 and 2 over to OW. I'm sure you did it with dignity. Your ex seems to have gone from appalling to unbelievably appalling! Amazing how they have to control the narrative to show that they are really the good guys.
Hope your DS is better.

feckitt Fri 07-Dec-12 20:30:59

I'm so glad my DCs are older but it's still hard when they meet "the other woman."
My Ds said nothing but my DD said "she has fat calves." Haha. My other DS didn't want to meet her. That's my boy.

chocoreturns Fri 07-Dec-12 20:46:03

hello - I've got a v poorly baby still and my toddler just woke up crying bloody tears - feck!! It's one of those weeks. I'm going to call out of hours again but I think it's a blocked tear duct, it's pink tears not rivers of blood but still...

When I am not firefighting I'll come back and post properly. Thanks for checking up on me and the boys x

arthriticfingers Fri 07-Dec-12 21:15:45

Thoughts for you.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 21:55:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eurostar Fri 07-Dec-12 21:57:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eurostar Fri 07-Dec-12 21:57:35

sorry, wrong thread, will get it deleted!

fengirl1 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:14:00

Oh Choco - you WILL get through all of this. I hope you get the illness issues sorted soon.

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