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I will never understand the OW

(143 Posts)
chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 18:54:46

This weekend my children will meet the OW who was sleeping with my husband this time last year, while I was pregnant. I knew it would happen and it's a shit as I always knew it would be. That's not what this post is about though...

As a preamble to meeting them, I've received a charming letter through my solicitor stating that as they began their relationship AFTER we separated, and as she works with vulnerable children and is CRB checked, I should basically be thrilled that they are in her care (with XH of course). Because essentially they have been saintly to wait this long as my lovely DC are quite clearly going to benefit from having her in their lives.

What I can't get my head around is that OW is included in ALL correspondence my XH sends. Solicitors letters, emails etc. She reads the abusive ones to me and his own mother. She obviously knows that this hearts and flowers introduction to my DC is a load of twaddle, as she knew I was pg when she was having an affair with my XH. So how does she not twig that he's an absolute see you next tuesday with repugnant moral standards? Why would she want to build a life with a man like my ex? I know we all miss 'red flags' (I did when I married him after all!) but when someone is so clearly abusive and lies ALL the time even in legal documents, and you KNOW that they are lying, what bit of your brain has to be switched off to say "oh look, there's a keeper"?

Feel sick and low tonight sad

HecatePropylaea Fri 30-Nov-12 19:01:14

There are none so blind as those who will not see...

She doesn't see it because she doesn't WANT to.

When he does to her what he has done to you, she'll acknowledge what she already knows but won't allow herself to accept.

See, either she and your ex are a pair of lying cheating bastards who royally shit all over you - or they're good people who fell in love and you are a terrible person who was horrible to him and drove him to...<insert rest of script cos it just depresses the crap out of me>

If they accept the former - they must accept that they're arses who dumped all over an innocent person. Furthermore, she must accept that she's hooked up with a twat and what was your life is going to be hers.

If they rewrite it to the latter - it's all your fault and they can look at themselves in the mirror every day, and she can delude herself into thinking that it'll be <read the following in a whiney voice> different with me cos he loves me, he never loved her/she never loved him like I do

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 19:02:24

have a hug and a wine choco

she got the booby prize, that is for sure

pity her

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 30-Nov-12 19:04:02

So sorry that you're feeling low, Choco. Just hold onto the thought that you know what he is - and she's had fair warning and still wants him. Her standards are obviously lower than yours.

Just because they lie to the solicitors about being a saintly couple doesn't mean that it matters a damn. I doubt the solictor believes a word having seen it all before.

Your children know they are safe and cared for in your company, you're their constant, not their father. I expect they're feeling a little bit apprehensive and will always look forward to their return home to you. If your ex can give even the smallest approximation of being a good father now, it will make it a bit easier for them.

You feel low right now, you've gone through a lot, but this time next year who knows what you could be celebrating? At the very least, you will be a whole year further away from your relationship with this man as your husband.

A little hand-hold for you tonight though...

lunar1 Fri 30-Nov-12 19:07:45

I remember your threads, what a pair of lying bastards! So sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how I would feel
In your position.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:12:03

My god. I would hate this. there are always loads of people who tell you your children need their father and you must be selfless but blah blah blah biscuit that must hurt

Play her at her own game (and his). Let them have the kids and go away for a weekend. I know it hurts right now but if you can establish a routine where they have the kids as much as possible it will take the wind out of their sails a bit. And free you up to meet somebody else which I know you can't face now, but seriously, you will want more free time the more time passes.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 30-Nov-12 19:13:45

I don't get it either. My dad was physically abusive to my mum, never saw his children, never even attempted to ask for access to us, never paid a penny towards us.

And yet he remarried (she wasn't an OW, just someone he met a few years after the divorce) and had two more kids.

How does his new wife look back at the way he has treated his older kids and ex-wife and think "What a catch. Have my babies!"

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:18:55

ps, one small consolation is that when it all goes belly up she will feel even more foolish because the signs were in NEON fgs.

ajandjjmum Fri 30-Nov-12 19:20:46

What a pair of shits. Let's she how loyal he is if she ever becomes pregnant.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Nov-12 19:21:05

You're making the mistake of thinking the solicitor believes any of it. More than likely he/she thought, "Jesus, they must be thick to think anyone's going to believe that" and "That OW wouldn't come near my kids" and "What manipulative twats they are to pay for a letter telling a bunch of lies just so that they look good."

So he/she thought that and actually said, "OK I'll send that. That'll be £100 please."

JustFabulous Fri 30-Nov-12 19:25:18

I suspect she thinks she can change him, or it is true love with her and he would never treat her like that, or it is all your fault he is a dick.

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 19:33:12

sigh, you are all right. God bless MN for nights like tonight. It's just so sickening.

What they will not concede, despite me repeating myself in an utterly boring manner, is that when they lie, over and over again (about basic facts we are all in possession of) all they achieve is an erosion of trust, over and over again. Why on earth should I believe they have excellent intentions now when they clearly haven't put anyone else's needs first before, and aren't capable of any kind of honesty, ever?

It actually made me laugh (in a very rueful sort of way) when I read the paragraph about her being held in a position of 'extreme trust' in her work with vulnerable children and adults. As if this should make me trust the woman who screwed my husband in my bed last Christmas? "Oh yes, now I see - you are clearly a person of integrity and I am delighted to hand over my babies to you. Here you go, would you like some chocolates and flowers too?"


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 30-Nov-12 19:40:52

Yes, but Harold Shipman was a DOCTOR... signed the Hippocratic Oath and everything...

It means less than nothing, acccolades/schmacolades. The person inside is everything.

Don't believe for a minute that people are taken in - they aren't.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:41:15

yeah she'll be thinking that their love is on a higher plane. Un coup de foudre that justifies trampling over you.

arthriticfingers Fri 30-Nov-12 19:45:03

More like 200 pounds.
All to paint themselves white
Well there was that story about sepulchers ...

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:46:08

Some people re-write the truth and believe their own re-write though. My x doesn't believe that he was abusive to me. The script now is that I left on a whim because i was selfish and lazy and wanted to live with my mother because she'd do all the childcare. It's amazing. There has been a total revision of history and I think he doesn genuinely believe his version. He has blocked out the times he kicked down doors and so on and so on... You get the picture.

My friends laughed when I compared my x to psychopath Joe O'Reilly, an Irish man convicted with murdering his wife. He was cheating on her with a woman called nikki pelley and despite and absolute abundance of evidence he still continues to deny it and is studying law in prison and has apparently found jesus and wants to try to forgive those who've condemned him to life behind bars. I'm rambling here, but never underestimate the immense power of denial. I hope I didn't depress you more with that little tale.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:48:08

ps, their rationale is probably that you can't possibly know for a FACT that they had sex so therefore it didn't happen. If you can't prove it you have no right to disbelieve their lies.

arthriticfingers Fri 30-Nov-12 19:49:46

Forgot to add sad it's really shit - and you have been dealt a crap hand.

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 19:51:17

lol you are right. Her mum has been told they are only recently a couple, and she has supported him through the tragedy of his wife running off with his kids, breaking his stony cold heart.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:51:48

There is still nothing to prevent you from naming her in the divorce though is there?

Legally I mean?? that's your call isn't it?? for a woman of such integrity that might drive it home that don't believe their version.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:53:50

Yes, it cost them £`100 to send that bullshit. £100 well spent. hmm grin

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 19:53:57

I was going to say vile things about them but was reminded by a friend to think of the three wise monkeys and ask myself... is what I'm about to say useful? Is it kind? Is it true? Does it improve upon the silence?

Ahem, a resounding no to all of those points. Hence my hurried retreat to my MN haven, where I can be as hurt and rude as I like without being nasty in RL

arthriticfingers Fri 30-Nov-12 19:55:05

I think they all really do believe their lies - in some twisted way, they have to,
they just can't say sorry. They cannot afford to.
I always think it like doublethink in 1984

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 19:55:55

Can you name her in your divorce? or do you need your husband's consent to do that?

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 20:02:05

Bollocks to the 'three wise monkeys' approach.

If people were lying about my life to others, including my children, there's no way I'd let them get away with it.

Not through a solicitors though. I wouldn't waste my money.

To their faces and the faces of anyone who thought otherwise.

Sorry for how you are feeling.

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