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ds and friends drink all the wine.. I get the blame!

(56 Posts)
bonhomiee Thu 29-Nov-12 22:13:23

Tonight I came home and it appears ds , 21 has been raiding the wine cupboard/rack when friends have been round, without asking.
One bottle, I do not know why, was in the vegetable rack!
dh shouts " Why are you letting ds drink all the wine, or did you drink it and hide bottles in the cupboard like your mother?" [my mother was a serious alcoholic and had to go into res care at a young age with memory/ brain problems]
I don't drink.
I never have.
Yesterday he blamed me for our dd considering taking out a student overdraft facility. I am sick and tired of being a scapegoat and blamed for anything which causes him stress and the absolute unfairness of his approach.
I have told him to stick it and stop offloading it all onto me when I am actually sorting out the problem while he does nothing.

After mn help I spoke to my friend who knows us both and she felt I should stay with him as he is basically a good person, although unsupportive.
How to deal with him?

ladyWordy Thu 06-Dec-12 17:59:40

When you live with an angry, controlling person that you depend on, you learn to adapt to what they want. That’s what your son is doing, because for him there is no alternative. He can't leave.

ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.

This is a desperately stressful and exhausting life for a 10 year old to live. And you're living it too, bonhomiee! But you can save him, and you.

You can leave, and take your ds with you.

Imagine not having to hold your breath all day, and do everything right, or second-guess your H just to keep the peace. Or run around because he's angry about some trivial undone task, that is too much for trouble for him to do himself.

The relief would be enormous for both of you!

bonhomiee Thu 06-Dec-12 23:26:09

thankyou so much for comments

my BIG huge fear is that ds will say he wants to live with dh.

bonhomiee Wed 12-Dec-12 20:32:01

Last Christmas as a family

bonhomiee Sun 16-Dec-12 23:05:11

I don't know what the answer is here but today ds seemed to want me out of the house... I said I was doing xmas shopping and he kept asking when I was going to go..confused
I personally think it is becos when I am there dh argues and blames me for things. When I am not there I presume he is fine.
ds did not want me to go to the cinema. dh helpfully said tonight that it is because he is scared of my moods!!! Obviously I am unhappy with the situation as on this thread and have asked to separate, the reason for that being the way dh behaves towards me and blaming me and controlling the way everything has to be done. To show I am not a doormat and to try to give the opposite opinion I do contradict dh and try to stick up for myself. In a calm way I think but I feel so exasperated with everything maybe I am not calm? Or maybe dh is gaslighting me I don't know. I do know that he will not accept any blame or responsibility for anything and so by default that will all lie with me.

I think he has succeeded in showing ds he is the boss and if we split ds will want to be with dh as he is the one in charge of everything.
I can't express how heartbroken I feel at this manipulation and unhappy situation for ds. I don't know what to do as I am thinking whether ds will want to live most of the time with dh. I think dh is the sort of person who you try to agree with to make life easier. He is fine when things go his way and he is not in a mood.
dh has told me point blank he is "not going anywhere" and " not moving from this house" and I want to minimise trauma to ds ie try to avoid a horrifically acrimonious divorce. I think he will be happier with me although I do work long hours. I think I am being sidelined and put in my [inferior ] place.
Pleases help me find a way through. I keep appealing to dh better side but he just looked up at me and said "You can't control yourself and your moods and you can't see it". I said to him why does he carry on with the status quo when he doesn't have a good word to say about me. Why? I am willing to take criticism on board if I only knew dh was fair and truthful and has my best interests at heart.. but I don't.
It seems no one wants me in the family.
I do feel down ,moody and irritable and I do feel exasperated at being so misrepresented and manipulated. Maybe I am being more snappy than I have realised.

bonhomiee Sun 16-Dec-12 23:43:59

He has destroyed me and I have lost my sense of self.

ladyWordy Mon 17-Dec-12 00:25:30

Hey bonhomiee. brew

You sound like a lovely, conscientious person, and you have been treated very badly.

Everything you've said about your H is very typical of an abusive person. He wants you there so he can control and intimidate you, and get someone to run his home for free. There is no point in appealing to his better side, bon, this is the only side he's got.

I'm so sorry, I don't know how to help right now, but am here and listening.

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