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Quick Condom Query

(51 Posts)
CSIScunthorpe Thu 29-Nov-12 18:28:35

So let's say you found a packet of Durex Extra Safe condoms in someone's overnight bag, would you jump to any conclusions about any particular sexual activities someone had been involved in ?

( Name-changing regular )

mathanxiety Mon 03-Dec-12 03:46:33

Sounds so like my exH.

Looking back, I wish I had confronted him with what I knew and told him I expected him to stick around and support me while I went back and retrained, with the promise that we could divorce when I had a decent job and childcare sorted. We could have had some sort of open relationship while I got back on my feet. I wouldn't have cared one bit if he was out living it up to his heart's content with men or women for that matter -- I knew when I found the evidence I found that there was no way I was ever going to remain married to him.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course, and he might have baulked because it obviously meant a lot to him to present himself as a straight married man -- supporting me through retraining with the promise of divorce once I was set up would not have had any obvious advantage to him. I doubt if appeals to his integrity would have worked as the man had none, or appeals to his sense of fairness, since he was the most self centered and selfish and self absorbed individual I have ever known, but maybe an appeal based on him having to pay less alimony or getting 50/50 on the house sale instead of 55/45 because I had a job might have been successful.

greeneyed Sun 02-Dec-12 21:10:27

csis - no advice to add, just wishing you well - sounds like an utterly shit situation

CSIScunthorpe Sun 02-Dec-12 19:48:34

No, I wouldn't have married him if I'd known that or a number of other salient facts, including limited sharing of childcare, no emotional support and no cunnilingus ever again.

Suburbophobe, I'm still here purely for practical reasons, I have had a bad few years and I don't feel mentally strong enough at the moment to cope with the avalanche of nastiness that he will unleash.

Thanks for that link, Cronullshaw.

cronullansw Sun 02-Dec-12 18:45:00

suburbophobe Sat 01-Dec-12 20:54:08

You need to stop focusing on why he's not getting out of the marriage but ask yourself why you aren't.
If it makes you unhappy why are you putting up with this?

Do you want to continue like this for the next 5 or 10-odd years?

SuzySheepSmellsNice Sat 01-Dec-12 08:27:19

Once you are out of the situation, your self confidence will go up enormously because shock horror you are desirable and deserve to be appreciated and boinked wink

mathanxiety Sat 01-Dec-12 02:52:02

There really aren't consequences for doing this to someone, I have found.

One of the hard parts of this is knowing you probably wouldn't have made the decision to marry if you had been told the truth at the time, and then there are all the decisions that flow from being married, the debts you have taken on, mortgage, children that you have brought into the world, the decision to be a sahm if that is the one you have taken and the consequent hit to your earning prospects. Biggest thing to contemplate sadly is that you foreclosed other options when you choose what you hope is Mr Right.

And yes, being made to feel undesireable will do a number on your self esteem as a woman.

CSIScunthorpe Fri 30-Nov-12 16:09:31

SuzySheep, that's ok, I don't have a problem with bluntness.

Apocalypto, I don't know, I certainly don't think it's my problem as such but I'm just very weary of the situation, I need to gather my strength and resolve and get things moving. I don't give a toss about his sexuality, I do give a toss about years of being made to feel undesirable.

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 15:44:54

Ideally I'd like him to fuck the fuck off but I suspect he is too concerned about losing out financially to do that.

Why's that your problem CSI?

If he's gay and concealed it, he married you under false pretences. It's his tough shit, surely, if that has consequences.

If a car salesman sold you a car because it could do 100mpg when the real figure was 20, you're entitled to a refund when you find this out because the lies told to induce you to sign the contract form part of it.

Same thing surely? He misrepresented himself as hetero when he is in fact a "Secret Lemonade Drinker".

SuzySheepSmellsNice Fri 30-Nov-12 15:42:06

Sorry for being blunt, but if you aren't happy... sad

SuzySheepSmellsNice Fri 30-Nov-12 15:41:26

Why don't you file for divorce then?

CSIScunthorpe Fri 30-Nov-12 15:26:34

Apocalypto, definitely not a commando, let's just say he's not got a great deal of physical bravery.

Worldgonecrazy, he is, and always has been deeply secretive about pretty much everything, the only time during our marriage that he ever spoke properly about his emotions was if he was drunk. His mother would be mortified, outraged, apoplectic if he was gay, in fact she might well choke to death on her outpourings of bile if this came to pass ( I'm wearing my 'bothered' face ).

Bliss and Maytheodds, thank you. Ideally I'd like him to fuck the fuck off but I suspect he is too concerned about losing out financially to do that.

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 15:09:06

@ Fives

Yeah, I think so. The usual method of establishing reliability is to take 100 couples and see how many get PG over a year when each method is used properly.

The figures I recall are pill = less than 1, condoms ~4, VR ~10.

In typical use tho it's more like 8, 12, and 15. So basically, if you do rhythm properly, it's not massively different from how most people use the pill typically (eg forget to take it, etc).

If I'd had to guess, I'd have said condoms were about 99% reliable and rhythm about 40 to 50. Not so.

The thing with condoms is that you're supposed to put them on the minute the man gets hard, holding it on afterwards and withdrawing immediately.

if however you get him hard with your hand and then you put the condom on ten minutes later, there will be quite a few sperms all over your hands etc already and hence on the outside of the condom before he enters.

Obv used properly they are pretty good but almost nobody uses them properly all the time.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 30-Nov-12 14:59:51

So sorry csis

I also thought extra safe were for anal sex, that's what most people I know have used them for (if they've used them at all), they arent so good for piv sex. But I guess it could be either, there's no real way of knowing, for example I went on the cheap nhs condom website and ended up buying some lube that was marketed at gay men but we just bought it 'cos it looked good

bliss88 Fri 30-Nov-12 14:48:42

I also am sorry to hear this. It's a horrible shock wether the partner is an ex or not you know that something has most likely gone on and it's very hurtful. Hope you do the right thing and confront him with it as you could lead a life where someone does want you sexually I'm a single mum if ds 3yrs. Your better off without him CISIS x

worldgonecrazy Fri 30-Nov-12 14:38:49

missverinder may well be right about the difference between Extra Strong and Extra Safe, but I thought I was well-informed and had never heard that. It may be that your husband is similarly ignorant.

Given the lack of desire to have sex with you, my thoughts are that he is actually gay.

I don't think your marriage is necessarily dead in the water though. It may be that he feels it a terrible secret and if it is in the open and you agree to just be friends who stay married (allowing you to go and find your own sexual partners), that everything starts to look more rosy again. Of course it might not, some men really can't cope with being homosexual. There may be a clue in his attitude - are his family homophobic? Does he make regular homophobic comments? If so it might be a really difficult subject for you and him to discuss.

Good luck.

FivesAndNorks Fri 30-Nov-12 14:33:19

Apoc, really?! I always thought condoms were very effective. However I recently got told I couldnt have a coil because I'd had sex with a condom. Any other contraceptive would ahve been fine but not condoms apparently - as I might be pregnant.

FivesAndNorks Fri 30-Nov-12 14:31:58

I have to admit to buying whatever is on offer, never made any sort of link blush

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 14:31:53

Maybe he's a commando and uses them in amphibious attacks to keep water and sand out of the barrel of his rifle.

That's about all they'll keep out.

In my 20s a number of friends were doctors. I was aghast to hear, authoritatively I assume, how crap condoms are at, well, everything.

Under a microscope they are a lattice, so quite a lot of disease gets through the gaps. Their actual reliability as contraceptives is roughly the same as Vatican Roulette. A but better but not so's you notice. Every year, out of 100 couples doing riddim stylee and 100 using condoms, about 90% won't get pregnant.

At least one doctor of my acquaintance swore by two at once with a dollop of KY inside and between them to improve the barrier.

Chopsypie Fri 30-Nov-12 14:26:53

Blokes or condoms?

TheOriginalNutcracker Fri 30-Nov-12 14:23:35

A bloke i know always buys the extra safe condoms and he is straight. I think they are vile though.

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 14:21:08

I'm still baffled as to why none at all is better. I can see how relying on a fragile one is a bad idea but even that would surely be better than none?

OP, if your bloke has never been interested in sex with you, even at the early stages of your relationship when you are supposed to be ripping each's kit off at every opportunity, gay does seem likely.

CSIScunthorpe Thu 29-Nov-12 19:23:04

Thank you, MissVerinder, these are blue and say they are extra thick and have extra lubrication.

CSIScunthorpe Thu 29-Nov-12 19:20:49

No, I don't have a plan, Mathanxiety, I seem to have let things drift for pragmatic considerations - childcare, financial, we get on in a relatively amicable, housemate fashion. It would suit me down to the ground if he left to be with Miss/Mr Right.

MissVerinder Thu 29-Nov-12 19:19:33

Extra safe condoms have extra lubricant and are meant for PIV sex.

Extra strong are recommended by CaSH clinics for anal sex and these are thicker.

used to work in teenage sexual health- albeit about 16 months ago, it may have changed.

extra safe were blue, extra strong black.

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