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H left us for OW but will probably miss his family more!

(18 Posts)
doinmybest Wed 28-Nov-12 22:42:30

my H has recently left me and my DC's for OW who he had been seeing from work. He is from a BIG family with extended family cousins nephews nieces great nephews grandchildren. I am slowly coming to terms with him leaving but cant believe Ive lost half of my family who Ive known for about 25yrs. Theyve all texted and said how sorry they all are and keep in touch but I cant bear the fact she will 'take my place' when he visits in laws, family occassions etc. ive known some of them since birth and I love them so much. sad even not buying christmas presents feels like a big wrench. In the scheme of things I know this is probably not that important but it just seems to be adding to whats going on. sad

BabylonPI Wed 28-Nov-12 22:46:08

Will you not be able to see/keep in touch with them at all?

I'm sorry this is happening. Do you have some good RL support from your own family?

ZenNudist Wed 28-Nov-12 22:48:59

Sorry for your situ. I guess it says it all about your relationship with H that the thing you will miss most is not him at all! There is no hard & fast rule that says you can't still stay in touch with 'his' family. You are still related by marriage. Ok so family events could be difficult but staying in touch is all up to you and finding time for these people.

My dh's uncle is married in and divorced for years from FIL's sister. We see him all the time but his ex wife. Family ties will only get you so far then personality and effort do the rest.

SleepBeckons Wed 28-Nov-12 22:49:35

Really sorry to hear this. It's crossed my mind - if I ever split up with my husband, how much I'd miss his family as I have almost no family on my side. No useful advice, just sympathy for the situation sad


ZenNudist Wed 28-Nov-12 22:49:53

*not his ex wife.

tribpot Wed 28-Nov-12 22:49:53

I think you probably have your own relationship with them - and you can maintain this separately.

Blueschool Wed 28-Nov-12 22:50:40

Think about it: You are still connected to them through your dcs though. It might not be the same as it once was, but you don't have to completely lose them all either.

doinmybest Wed 28-Nov-12 22:54:00

No Zen, i miss him a lot, what I meant was I think I am trying to come to terms with missing him but it seems 'unfair' i lose everyone. He will still probably visit them with DC's as they are still young, but my contact will reduce to to the odd text, christmas card and occassional catch up but I'll miss all the day to day stuff. i didnt mean I wouldn't make an effort

meditrina Wed 28-Nov-12 22:54:16

I doubt his family will be particularly welcoming to the OW, so her experience of them may well not be as positive as your relationship with them is.

If your DCs are of an age where you still need to accompany them to family gatherings, then you will still see them. And I think you probably can carry of being Aunty Doin to those you feel closest too.

ArbitraryUsername Wed 28-Nov-12 22:57:10

When my parents separated, my mum stayed close to my dad's aunt until she died. My dad, on the other hand, never so much as phoned her. My dad's cousins treated my mum as a full part of the family for the funeral (whereas my dad was very peripheral to the whole thing). My mum was really upset when my aunt died (as were my sister and I who she treated like grandkids). I doubt my dad cared much at all.

I think the important thing is to keep in touch and maintain real relationships with people you care about (and who care about you). It doesn't matter who is related by blood and who by marriage; it's the relationships that count.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 28-Nov-12 22:58:40

my exh is still very friendly with my family and he is invited to everything alongside me and new DH, it doesnt have to mean the end of your relationship with them

squeakytoy Wed 28-Nov-12 23:00:11

You really dont need to miss out. Your kids will always be related to his family, and you will always be an aunt to their cousins I am sure.

You can still get them christmas and birthday presents.

doinmybest Wed 28-Nov-12 23:01:20

you're right MNer's as always. The only way to keep these realtionships going is do my bit. Meditrina, why would they welcome her? Shes not me! Im fabulous and I need to remind them every day......where is my phone......

akaemmafrost Wed 28-Nov-12 23:05:06

I still see and socialise with all of my SIL. Going on holiday with one next year. This may all change once ex gets serious with someone but for now I still am good friends with his sisters, which I do value greatly.

akaemmafrost Wed 28-Nov-12 23:05:53

As one of my SIL said "it's about the kids" not the adults and I think she's right.

McBuckers Thu 29-Nov-12 08:34:25

Really sorry you're going through this OP. I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment.

Have you told them how you feel? I made it completely clear to my inlaws that losing my husband was bad enough and I didn't want to lose them too.

They have been incredibly supportive, my DSIL has just had a baby and has made it clear to my husband that I am the baby's aunty not his OW and that there is no way that she is going to meet the baby first.

If you are close to you inlaws I'm sure they wouldn't want to lose you either.

CuriousMama Thu 29-Nov-12 08:45:07

I left exdh 8 years ago. I still kept in touch with his parents and now I'm visiting his mum in hospital at the end of her life,his dad's passed. He's (exdh) on holiday for another week and his sibling never visits. Exmil is adorable. Me and dcs are her only family there until he gets back. If she makes it until then?
I know your ex has a lot of family but that makes it all the more likely you'll still be involved. Especially as you all like each other.
She'll never match up to you smile

SilverSixpence Thu 29-Nov-12 09:00:59

My dad's aunt got divorced from his uncle 30 years ago but she has always been a much closer relative to us and and we still see her often. It will take a bit of effort but no need to cut off ties.

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