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DB has invited us to his wedding BUT

(15 Posts)
seaofyou Wed 28-Nov-12 09:39:54

God I could have made a mint there Annie wink

I asked DB to take ds to school (first time ever) couple weeks ago as hurt my ankle and DB refused (DB wasn't busy, just didn't want to get up early)...ds missed school as I had no one else to ask. School were concerned I had no support! HT was going to contact SS OMG again caused by 'family' (indirectly). God I could go on and on!

Strange how I do not feel the slightest bit guilty in saying no to DB this morning? Even though my reasons are because of sis and all the damage she caused with ex and school/social services and DS not having 'family' relationships which he so so needed and now as a consequence is socially isolated from family experience/ gatherings (it's my 40th on weekend) got no big family gathering to share it with except DM who will come to Apple Store where we go every Weekend and for tea somewhere nice just the 3 of us as always <thanks God my mum is still around for ds growing up>

Anniegetyourgun Wed 28-Nov-12 09:06:43

Your brother charged you babysitting for taking his nephew to the park? shock

And now he wants to borrow him for his wedding. hmm

You'd be within your rights to charge a performance fee! Only, as you say, DS would really struggle with it, and you know who'd get the blame if the poor mite did anything in the least bit imperfect.

No, no and thrice no, they can't go pretending their sister doesn't exist for years and then pop in and ask to borrow her child.

seaofyou Wed 28-Nov-12 08:36:30

thanks Mystic Cogito smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 07:57:40

It's your DB's second wedding? Definitely don't worry about going... There will be another one along shortly smile

seaofyou Wed 28-Nov-12 01:02:39

MrsFibble good question? I have tried to analyse it and sis was cruel to me growing up possibly because I was at deaths door when born (died a few times) and in incubator for first 3 months and really ill up to 7yrs old basically. My sis the eldest (10 yrs) nose put out of joint maybe and jealous of the attention I got because I also nearly died at 12 months and 18 months old too?
My DB DW felt it was because of my close relationship with my mum though but again this was because I was ill maybe and needed extra care?

It can't be sis is jealous because ds is Autistic, I lost my job, ex is a Psychopath, I don't get to have a break and now health suffering from years of stress over ds and no social life, money, friends due to isolation of home therapy for years and no siblings, maintenance. However mum did tell me sis tried really hard to get DD diagnosed with something and brought the Ed Psych to her 6 bed/bath mansion and said they were a loving family and not chaffs (her words) for single mum and Ed Psych said nothing wrong with DD, sis was horrified!

seaofyou Wed 28-Nov-12 00:49:35

Thanks MrsFlibble...I wasn't even thinking of DS Autism at the time when I said no! Ds has hyperacusis (sensitivity to sound) esp singing hence can't take ds to church if lots their as echos too the noise (don't think they will marry in church though as DB is divorced) but yep the crowds and singing!

I missed my mum 70th also because of sis...she had arranged a 'surprise' birthday party for mum and invited friends etc....mum found out and said cancel it that morning as how can she have her DD missing...that was the first time my mum stood up to sis was v proud of her that day and poor mum did not feel in mood for any celebrations then though sad

MrsFlibble Wed 28-Nov-12 00:40:49

seaofyou, my nephew is autistic, and im aware that children with autism, dont like loud noise or crowds, my daughter isnt autistic but she hates them too, so it would be torture for him, so your making the right decision for him.

Question tho, what made your sister so vile?

FannyFifer Wed 28-Nov-12 00:33:31

Just don't go to the wedding, why the fuck would you?
The lot of you sound like you need to grow the hell up.

seaofyou Wed 28-Nov-12 00:26:45

Thank you for your replies...I thought I was going to get a battering as my family are possibly doing now as ears burning! So getting the repercussions now Magic, I imagine my mum 'it's her only brother's wedding' (well I went to the first and was bridesmaid!).

I've already said why I can't go wish I had used the more softly softly Cogito used and what ever date it was 'sorry away at X that weekend'. Or straight direct NO from Doha. Oh well all said the whole truth...DB knows well he thinks it is made up by ex as sis has denied it, but ex wifey was at ex house (as not ex at time when my sis phoned them for a 3 hr chat which resulted in school visit and report to Social Services when ds was 3yrs old).

Cest what you just said alone is the one and only legit reason why ds should not be a Page Boy as too much stress on him and crowds, singing...that would be torture not a celebration and strangers coming up to him saying how lovely he looks and trying to start a conversation with him!

My sis does not realize what she started, not only effected DS hugely but now formal family gatherings...I have already discussed with my mum I wont be at her funeral (as possibly not told like day of my mum's fall and OP) and she said 'Don't worry about it I wont be there to know' grin

Snazzy we celebrated ds passing his Stage 1 swimming Sunday, now that I am over the moon and also a very important life saving skill esp as drowning one of biggest causes of death with Autism...and DS being drawn to the water many a time and just rugby tackled DS in time as a toddler as running like a bull at the lake!!

Snazzyfeelingfestive Tue 27-Nov-12 23:47:21

There will be other reasons and other occasions to be rightly proud of your ds. He may get another chance to be a page boy for friends etc. I would decline and avoid the stress.

cestlavielife Tue 27-Nov-12 23:38:10

Asking a boy with ASD to be a pageboy for people he barely knows is a big ask and not one I would agree to.
Politely declined and plan a nice day out instead.

MagicHouse Tue 27-Nov-12 23:31:02

I agree with the above advice too. It sounds like it would be a horribly uncomfortable day for you. I would also decline very politely, and refuse to be drawn into any arguments or repercussions. "Thank you for your invite, unfortunately we will not be able to attend. I wish you well for your wedding" end of.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 23:28:01

I think a simple 'thanks for the invitation but we will be unable to attend' is customary. smile Send a card and present, of course. Then book a holiday somewhere for the same week perhaps so that you're not tempted to have second thoughts. You're not close to your DB, you're not going to enjoy it and it's only a wedding..... mostly very dull occasions I find.

Doha Tue 27-Nov-12 23:24:57

You don't want to go, your son doesn't NEED to go just to hold the rings. To be honest l would just decline the invitation to the wedding for you both. You don't need the stress and hassle from your family.
Remember NO is a complete sentence, you don't have to give any reasons for not attending.

seaofyou Tue 27-Nov-12 23:20:03

my sis will be there...she hasn't spoken to me in 6yrs!

My Bro doesn't bother with me much either see him 3 times a year maybe...lives 2 miles away! I saw him when I worked as he would be over pay day for a loan...never saw him much after I had to stop working.

Ds wanted as page boy only dc left in family to do this role!

With sis she went to Ds 1st school with ex and tried to stop ds therapy for ASD I had to fight hard for at court, because sis ds who she made me employ her ds (and ds GF) he hated working with kids and left....she said I sacked her ds! She said to our mum, Ds and I are both dead to her! Our other DB in cemetery around corner from both of us. If I went up her st (3rd up from mine!) she would call police, so ds hasn't been to his Nan house (granny flat on sis house) for 5 yrs...I can't visit my DM for coffee, she is getting older and when her mobility is such she is needing wheelchair I imagine ds and I won't see DM/DGM again.

Ex went to Social Services and reported me for neglect after my sis help load the gun...ex wrote in email 'I am in close contact with ex's sis'...wouldn't be surprised if it was really close yuck! Sis twisted things saying I stopped ds having contact with her DD whom he loved! Utter rubbish!

My mum fell had op pin's in wrist...DM BF phoned me to see how DM was? I was not told by sis DM was having/needed operation.

DM comes to my home to see us every weekend DB visits sis every weekend and never pops in to us (we are not out of the way). He took ds to park once I had to pay baby sitting to DB for this...(40yrs old and working)
No help off DB when ex attacking home.
When I said we are not coming to wedding, DB said 'can ds come alone'..(?in other words we don't need you there just a child to hold the rings!)

3yrs ago sis had heart op I sent card as olive branch asked her to contat me and thinking of mum said every card up except mine it was in bin (mum saw it). I drew a line that day and said I can't do this no more I had enough stress with ex attacking us and ds therapy/workers and going back to court to fight for a school as ds signed off school at 5yrs old as so anxious at last school etc

I don't want to be in same room as sis and family who drive past me every week and ignore me and ds....ds needed his family growing up re his Autism and sis knew that and totally deprived ds of that social family only contact ds needed and at a time 3-8 yrs old when developing so fast! Ds loses out again now being Page boy! I would have been so proud of ds <sob>

I would not enjoy the day...I can't forgive my sis for what she done over the years and my DB well where was he when DS was Diagnosed, I needed help with ds as so severely disabled and needed a break! I was their for all their dc growing up! I don't feel it is wrong not to go but disappointed for DS not just because of being a super Page Boy but all those years with no cousins, auntie and uncle and no visiting or staying with Grandma who has been the only person who has not let him down (df and his parents stopped contact as courts after maintenance, lucky really as df was physically cruel to ds again ds hurt by family another way) so very very sad DS will see this 'family' way as normal and not know a loving family....except DGM and DM.

Sorry needed to let that out...any advice, thoughts, ticking off, experience of this much appreciated!

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