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What would you think if your DP said this about his ex-wife?

(52 Posts)
AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:46:34

You're a few months into the relationship, a bit of talk about the future creeping in but then - in the car one night he says "I suppose I just have to accept that life is not how I'd planned it, I have to accept that I'm not getting back with her and I won't see my kids as much as I did"

Would you think that deep down, he wanted to get back with her??

janelikesjam Fri 30-Nov-12 19:57:37

Not totally convinced, the man I am talking about was still saying this 5 years after marriage totally over (after wife found out about his affair) and the kids already grown up.

VBisme Fri 30-Nov-12 19:50:11

I'd think that he missed his kids.

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 13:48:49

OP should IMO allow for the fact that there are stages in emotional recovery. I don't know what they all are but he's still at the Regret / Denial stage.

Eventually he will progress to the Wouldn't Take Her Back Now If She Paid Me stage.

AnnaFurLact1c Fri 30-Nov-12 13:25:56

I'd stick him in the box room...

AnnaFurLact1c Fri 30-Nov-12 13:25:16


you AGAIN?

I'll look out for your next thread.

SonOfAradia Fri 30-Nov-12 10:52:17

Just proves to me that men are a) led by their trousers and b) obsessed with the greener grass!

Not just men. Women behave in EXACTLY the same way.

janelikesjam Fri 30-Nov-12 10:50:53

Doesn't sound good, OP. It reminded me of an old b/f with an ex-wife - he would occasionally make those kind of odd remarks. (He wasn't really into me, BTW, just a selfish man bored and confused).

I think those kind of throw-away comments are often hard to comprehend, because the feelings behind them are never explained and don't make sense. He loved his wife but didn't take her feelings seriously (yeah!). And maybe throw-away remarks like that are done on purpose to confuse you and protect his image of himself as a good family man? When deep feelings are never explained or clarified is it because (a) he doesn't have any deep feelings or (b) he is all over the place (and nowhere near you really).

I think if you asked him more directly about his real feelings on these kinds of questions - especially since he raised them in the first place in that self-pitying way (bad sign) - you would be alot clearer.

Is something telling you not to bother, because the deep-feeling answers you want to hear are not gonna be there anyway hmm?

SirBoobAlot Fri 30-Nov-12 10:22:20

Don't put yourself through this. The guy is either still hooked on her, or is a prize arse. Possibly both. The fact he didn't go to relate when she asked him to also is concerning; what does that say about him in general?

You can do better.

kernowgal Fri 30-Nov-12 10:14:39

Four months into our relationship and freshly returned from holiday (where he'd behaved pretty badly on several occasions, my ex said when pressed that he wasn't in love with me but was fond of me and thought we should see how it went. It crushed me completely but I stuck with him, and his behaviour got worse and worse. To this day I wish I'd dumped him there and then. You're worth so much more than that OP.

Ormiriathomimus Fri 30-Nov-12 10:04:00

"They were together 18 years. They just stopped getting on apparantly and she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go and then the next thing is she asks for a divorce. "

Good lord! He doesn't want her to be his ex. Clearly. Sorry sad

MrsFlibble Thu 29-Nov-12 19:28:33

doinmybest My ex left me for a an old girlfriend he dated 20 years back and hadnt spoke to in 4 years, and who was married, guess who he tried to return too when she decided she didnt want him after all.

Some men think about what they want and need, and to hell with the rest.

doinmybest Thu 29-Nov-12 19:14:37

My h has recently left. he told me initially he loved OW and was moving in with her. Now he 'thinks' he loves her, will porbably move in 'cos he's got nowhere else to go' and is happy with her sometimes!! Just proves to me that men are a) led by their trousers and b) obsessed with the greener grass!

OwlLady Wed 28-Nov-12 13:37:58

How long have they been separated and why?

either way it doesn't sound like he is ready for another relationship.

I think it's quite normal to talk about someone you shared a good chunk of your life with and about those experiences and I think it's normal to miss your children if you are the non resident parent. It may be that he just isn't articulating well

hopespringy Wed 28-Nov-12 13:34:08

Even if you raised the issue of how upset his comments have made you, he probably...

would make it all about him, turn it all around to him - how he feels, what he's lost etc.

don't bother OP. Sorry for the disappointment though (())

WhoNickedMyName Wed 28-Nov-12 13:21:59

she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go

Well good on his ex for getting rid. He sounds like a self pitying tosser. Even if you raised the issue of how upset his comments have made you, he probably wouldn't address them anyway.

It's only been a few months? Just bin him right now, you'll be over it by Christmas.

Apocalypto Wed 28-Nov-12 12:58:36

It's a staple trope of Hollywood, but the number of men who genuinely want to get back with their ex must be vanishingly small. Unless they just want their house back, there seems to be the odd occasional FWB-style shag but that aside, indifference or downright bitter dislike seem to be much more the usual spectrum.

I'd go by his actions not his words. What he misses is family life with the kids. When he had family life with the kids it didn't work. What he misses is not available and never was. He misses what he mistakenly thought he had.

If he said I love you but then ignored you in favour of the lads, lager and football, which would you place more weight on - what he said, or what he did?

hopespringy Wed 28-Nov-12 09:55:26

oh poor old him eh. that divorce just happened to him and well poor old him he may as well drag himself around, being as he had every chance to do something about it but ignored her.

dump forthwith. this has nothing to do with you OP. It's all about him, in every possible way hmm

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 23:10:21

What possible tone would make that statement inoffensive to a new girlfriend Ophelia? hmm Hardly lends itself to cheery enthusiasm. How could anyone possibly spin 'I suppose I just have to accept... etc' so that it doesn't mean 'you'll just have to do instead'?

OpheliaPayneAgain Tue 27-Nov-12 23:06:24

Depends on the tone and the total conversation - might mean shes a means to an end to being 24/7 in his kids life.

porridgelover Tue 27-Nov-12 23:02:52

Oh dear lord OP. Get out of this relationship and put the effort into you for a while. Your confidence is low enough ....thats probably why he went for you.
He's not there to buoy you up, which he should do, he's there to sit on your shoulders so he can feel as high as everyone else.

Chuck and start over, with the next guy believing that he is lucky to breathe the same air as you.

homeofhelp Tue 27-Nov-12 23:02:24

i broke up with my ex .I have met someone new i say if my ex hadnt treated me so bad i would never have got with my current partner my partner is amazing in every way. but it sounds like your partner cant let go. i think he has moved on too quickly sorry to tell you.

LemonDrizzled Tue 27-Nov-12 22:51:12

Alex my DP has been divorced six months now after his wife left him 3 years ago. He frequently thanks God she left him so he was free to meet me because he thinks I am so fabulous (which of course I am!!) grin

That is what you deserve! I would be giving him a harsh talking to about his insensitivity and his inability to see how bloody lucky he is to be with you. History repeating itself from the sound of it.

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