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What would you think if your DP said this about his ex-wife?

(52 Posts)
AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:46:34

You're a few months into the relationship, a bit of talk about the future creeping in but then - in the car one night he says "I suppose I just have to accept that life is not how I'd planned it, I have to accept that I'm not getting back with her and I won't see my kids as much as I did"

Would you think that deep down, he wanted to get back with her??

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 14:50:46

I would think it was a bloody stupid & insensitive thing to say to a new girlfriend!!! I would feel that he'd settled for me as very much second choice and I'd be furious. Glad you've only been with him a few months because it won't hurt so much when you dump him..

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:19

It's not even deep down.

He has just admitted that he will have to get over not being with her. Which means he wants to be with her, consciously, and has not yet started getting over her.

If he just came out with that, perhaps he thought you knew that this wasn't serious? That it was just filling the time? Or perhaps that was his way of letting you know.

Regardless, not seeing his children as much is an understandable thing to have to come to terms with. If he hasn't yet come to terms with being separated, he shouldn't be leading anyone else on.

meditrina Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:21

Possibly. It does suggest that he is not fully over the relationship (which in itself raises questions about how he truly sees his relationship with you).

But without context it's not easy to tell whether this is a straightforward manifestation of regret for what is irrecoverably lost, or if it is an oblique statement of hope: possibly centred on her, or possibly about an intact family life, reputation etc.

What were the circumstances of their break up?

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:52:02

Yes that's exactly how I took it. 2nd choice. Gutted to be honest, made me feel like shit but didn't know if I was over-reacting.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:53:49

They were together 18 years. They just stopped getting on apparantly and she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go and then the next thing is she asks for a divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 14:55:06

Show this one the door. He's damaged goods, he'll always think of her as the one that got away and you'll suffer as a consequence.

scarletforya Tue 27-Nov-12 15:03:17

Oh, that's not good, especially she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go -so he took her for granted and didn't listen to her......I wouldn't like that because that will be your future with him too.

Also, obviously he isn't very emotionally intelligent, not just that he seems to be on the rebound but that the stupid idiot admitted to you that you are just the booby prize. Seems a bit dozy and a lot selfish.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 15:04:24

What Cognito said.
Part of my story sounds similar. My ex was furious when I ended up telling his ex I was pg. She had no idea and I overheard him Skyping her (from my house!) to say there was nothing in this country for him and he still loved her. She knew he was with me, and sounded awkward at the time. In my pg haze I thought she had a right to know and told her via email that despite what he had said, I was actually pg and he had just made it clear what he thought of our situation which he had told me he was "so happy" in.
Needless to say she knew him well enough to drop all contact with him, whilst informing me he is the most selfish man she had ever met. She said he was stringing us both along, which was true. However, me being pg gave him many more chances with a range of issues. The crux of it is that he never ever got over me telling the truth to his ex. Now he refuses to see or pay for his DD but he still finds time to send texts to me about how I have lost him friends (her and her family) and ruined his life. He probably did want to get back with her, but he wasn't going about it in a realistic/nice way.
Sounds as though you need an honest chat with this man and see what else he drops into the conversation. I think you know in your heart what he is feeling, but like me, are being a bit blind to the truth.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 15:07:02

And huge alarm bells about the relate thing. He clearly is not very good at understanding when he has hurt someone very badly - his ex wife and now you...

izzyizin Tue 27-Nov-12 15:24:11

He's an insensitive self-entitled twat, isn't he? Probably always has been and always will be. Oh well, his loss and your gain when you dump him which I trust will be without further ado.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 16:41:16

He's said a few things like this though to be honest. Things like "I want to move in with you, I mean, it's not like I'm going to get back with her, is it?" (sounds like he'd prefer it that way though right!) and "I don't love her. I miss her - I mean, I miss the times we had" - yeah thanks, I really like knowing that.
And when his sister asked if he had a new girlfriend he apparantly said "well I'm not getting back with her am I so I may as well move on".

And talking with his mate that he hadn't seen for a while "did you hear I'd got divorced? yeah shit isn't it "

Verbal Diarrhea is what they call it I think. But then he insists he doesn't want her back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:48:28

He may insist he doesn't want her back but his statements aren't exactly enthusing about the future or filling you with confidence, are they? 'Might as well move on'.... Might as well??? hmm Hardly a ringing endorsement! Imagine if an advert for a new car went ....

For people who would love a Mercedes but can't afford one because their life is totally shit and unsuccessful. Might as well have a Vauxhall Corsa. Kerching!!!

This guy puts the 'ass' in 'crass'.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 16:51:21

LOL Cog - I would love to see an advert like that grin

but joking aside it does get me down. My confidence is low enough without this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:51:25

""I want to move in with you, I mean, it's not like I'm going to get back with her, is it?"

Means... 'you'll do at a pinch'.... 'I haven't got any better offers on the table'.... 'I'm a totally insensitive wanker but you don't seem to have noticed yet'.... (I made the last one up but it's accurate, trust me)

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 27-Nov-12 16:52:20

My goodness, he is a twat.

EugenesAxe Tue 27-Nov-12 16:52:27

Um... yeah, I would think he still held a flame for her. Reading the follow ups it really does sound more and more like he considers you sloppy seconds. Men and women alike deserve to be rugby-players'-arse-hard first in their partner's eyes.

If you are really only a few months into your relationship I'd get out. You will get some good relationship karma from having suffered this, and therefore will probably meet a brilliant bloke in due course.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:53:55

I know your confidence is low, don't worry. Best way to get your confidence up ... listen to your Auntie Cog.... is to stand up to this guy and tell him as unambiguously as you can summon that he is dumped. "I can do better than you"... "I am not your fall-back".... "I am no-one's also-ran"....

It's not easy but once you've done it, you've you've said 'you are not good enough for me', the feeling is quite intoxicating

pictish Tue 27-Nov-12 16:54:23

Oh God almighty! He is not over his split - no way.

That's far too shabby for you OP. Faaar too shabby!

colditz Tue 27-Nov-12 16:57:15

I'd dump him if I were you, you're supposed to be the glittering chest of treasure, not the booby prize!

InfiniteFairylights Tue 27-Nov-12 17:01:21

Run for the hills. Work on your confidence before you start dating again, because blokes like him recognise the low confidence and take advantage of it. Spend time being single, get over the 'being with any man is better than being single' frame of mind and only then will you find a man worth being with. You deserve better.

Jux Tue 27-Nov-12 17:17:02

You can find someone better, honestly you can.

He, on the other hand, isn't up to licking your boots.

Are you his first gf after the split? I went out with a guy for whom I was the first after his split. He actually said, when asking me out, "the first relationship after separation is never permanent, so why not?" (In fairness to him, he knew I wasn't after anything permanent either. Still a bit rude of him grin)

aleene Tue 27-Nov-12 17:27:13

My Dp was married for a long time. But he says nice things to me, like 'Where have you been all my life?' (grin yes cheesy, but its the sentiment that counts) and 'why didn't we meet twenty years ago?'
If he made me feel like second best I would be off like a shot. Leave him Op and finds someone who cherishes you.

LillianGish Tue 27-Nov-12 17:34:11

Hard to judge accurately on the basis is of what you've told us, but I'd say it is an entirely normal reaction from someone coming out of an 18 year relationship. 18 years!! I'd be astonished frankly if he didn't feel like that. I think he's just being honest. The fact is after all that time you are second choice - whatever he says. It doesn't sound from what you have said that there is any chance of him getting back with her. I personally would be more concerned about why his marriage broke down in the first place. It's never straightforward getting involved with someone with that much baggage, but when you get a certain point in your life (I have no idea how old you are or what your personal circumstances are) it can be hard to find someone with no baggage. Indeed sometimes someone with no baggage, after a certain age, can be a worse bet. Sorry not very helpful. How do you feel about him in other respects?

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 17:37:15

His pillow talk needs some work! Still, it doesn't have to be you. He needs some some alone and so do you, to meet someone who is estatic to have found you and you them.
He can get on with it- I'm guessing he wants Christmas with his dc and you sure won't be invited - she might take him back. Make plans, and find someone as nice as you, as you sound way to good for him.

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