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Is it worth the wait

(12 Posts)
kaybristol Mon 26-Nov-12 22:37:18

After a messy devorce a few years ago, I met a really nice man .We have been together for over a year spending at least 4 nights together. I decided to move town about 4 months ago.After deliberating he decided he did not want to live the city he was living in. We split up for a week in september this was on the weekend he was supposed to take me to his parents. it was the most painful feeling.We got back together and by job in new city has not worked out so moving back to the city we both lived in. Last month he gave me keys to his flat as I am working at home a lot of the time. His reason for breaking up was that he did not feel he could live the city he was living in and give up his hobbies and friends he has made since moving from the london. Since my decision to move back he is not ready to get a house with me. he would like to keep staying with me 5 days a week. He want us to get a cat together and goes on about how our lives will be post retirement. I am still not met his family.he spends weekends with me and my 2 children, so its not like he is going to visit them without me. He spend last Christmas with us and is cooking christmas dinner for my family and friends.Despite not committing he is loving in every way.He told me he loved me after 7 months together and he has not said it to me since we got back together. When I ask he days " don't I show you love every day" which he does. But I want to meet his family, I want to hear him say he loves me and would like him to move in with us.I am divorced with 2 children and he has never married. I know I don't want to grow old alone.I am I wasting my time with this guy??? we are both late thirties.help

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 07:23:49

If you want different things, yes, you are wasting your time. He seems to want to keep 'one foot on the floor' as it were.... still has his own place to retreat to, his family that he keeps private, not keen to say he loves you etc. Some people might enjoy that arrangement but if you want a 24/7 partner in a traditional sense and he wants to remain a 'bachelor with a girlfriend' then you'll have to make it clear and judge his response accordingly. BTW has he been contributing towards the bills if he stays 4 or 5 days a week?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 08:01:10

Should have added.... he may think a year is not enough time to decide that he wants to be with you permanently. He may think your disappearance to another town for work leaving him behind was your way of saying that you weren't that bothered about him. The one week separation may even have made him review what kind of relationship it is. But if you want things to move faster and he doesn't, you have to take a risk & be clear about what you want.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 09:04:37

Hi there you two seem to spend a fair bit of time together, you have introduced him to your children and he's about to spend a 2nd Christmas with you so from your point of view he must be pretty special.

Sorry couldn't see from your description,
does he work? Do your children live with you? Your relationship with him must surely impact on them, too.

Do you feel it's an equal partnership? Since your temporary split he won't say he loves you, of course proving love by doing kind things and acting nicely is a form of love but you don't sound satisfied. May I ask is he your first serious attachment since your divorce?

If you suspect you want different things, I think maybe I'd be a little less available for a while; not play games just start weighing up what the future holds.

Couples don't always live under the same roof. You may have to accept he isn't ready to take a big step and get a place together. Is he waiting for your children to grow up and move out? If he is talking about you two getting a cat post retirement how do you see the next 20 years unfold, if you can't talk to him now?

joblot Tue 27-Nov-12 09:10:03

Why on earth haven't you met his friends and family????

dequoisagitil Tue 27-Nov-12 10:08:40

When he's staying with you, is he like a guest, or is he like a partner? Ie. does he contribute financially, does he muck in with chores?

quietlysuggests Tue 27-Nov-12 11:20:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Tue 27-Nov-12 12:07:02

<gazes into crystal ball>

In the not too distant future this man will commit... to a younger woman who he'll marry and have dc with. It'll be in the nature of a whirlwind romance that will leave you abandoned reeling.

Make sure the deeds to any cat you jointly acquire are in your sole name otherwise your dc will be unnecessarily upset when the inevitable happens.

helpyourself Tue 27-Nov-12 12:09:41

He's having his cake and eating it hedging his bets. You're not making unreasonable demands, you know, wanting to meet his parents.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 14:31:18

Gypsy izzyizin speaks the truth... Unless you are hoping for some kind of magical holiday proposal in 5-6 weeks time I honestly think this is as much as he's prepared to offer, why accept less than you're giving?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 27-Nov-12 14:44:06

But he does want you to get a cat together though, presume it will live at your house and you will look after it.

As Izzy says, he won't be committing to you OP.

kaybristol Thu 29-Nov-12 00:25:57

Thank you ladies.yes he is a Proffessional and works full time.he brings the food he cooks.he pays when he takes me out at least once a week.yes I have met all his friends.just not his parents.I remember him telling me quite clearly early on that his catholic parents are racist and his mum hides a drink problem.yes he does chores around my house and acts like a partner.the kids like him and he is brilliant with homework.he says he will be responsible for the cat.

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