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No affection, no sex, six mths pregnant - lost and upset

(60 Posts)
EggsandBacon Mon 26-Nov-12 14:10:23

I don't know where else to go as I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone in real life. I'm six mths pregnant with my second DC, been with my DH for eight years, and he is no longer showing me any affection or having sex. I feel completely rejected and humiliated in my attempts to get close to him.

Background is - he is quite an emotionally closed off person, but very kind underneath, just struggles to express himself. Before DC1 we would regularly have sex, his libido is greater than mine so often initiated by him, but I would always make an effort also. Since DC1 it has not been as regular as it is hard to get time together (we both work full time, and DC1 is a bad sleeper, so only time is really at bedtime). Now I am pregnant and have put on a lot of weight, I'm not sure if this is the problem or something else...

It has been a month since we last had sex, and that wasn't that successful. Since then I have kept trying to initiate it when we go to bed - cuddling up to him, etc. He just lies there, doesn't respond to me at all when I do it. Sometimes he has just mentioned being tired, and I've taken that as him saying 'not interested tonight'. This weekend I was desperate to initiate some sort of physical contact, as he doesn't even cuddle me or touch me. So each night I was trying to cuddle up to him. He gets into bed and immediately wraps the duvet round himself so it is hard for me to get close. Friday = 'tired'. Saturday I managed to get him a bit aroused I think but then he turned over and said he was tired and wanted to sleep. I cried quietly so he wouldn't know I was upset. Last night I gave him a hand job, he just lay there the whole time - yawning sometimes I think to tell me he wasn't interested, or maybe he was just lying back and enjoying it? He didn't say anything afterwards, just went to the bathroom and then got back into bed and turn onto his side away from me. I felt so humiliated, like it was really seedy or something.

I've asked him indirectly if anything is wrong, he just says no, it is hard to get him to even say that one word. He is fine talking if it is just about DC1, but I can't even get him to chat about anything else. I don't know what has happened for it to get like this, and now I'm scared I don't know how to turn it around (and I'm only going to get bigger and fatter and have less time and be more tired). I realise the only way to work it out is to have a conversation with him, but I can't seem to get him talking (although I've only been very indirect). Don't know if I should just leave it and hope for the best, but it feels like the longer this goes on the worse it will get.

So embarrassed. Please say nice things as I can't check this at home and I don't want to cry at work!! Pretending I've got something in my eye at the moment.

MadameOneSword Tue 27-Nov-12 07:07:35

So you're perfectly willing to accuse this man of an affair knowing only the information you have above! Please! hmm

I'm not saying what he is doing is right but there's a big step between that and him cheating, projecting your own possible maltreatment onto someone else's situation isn't helpful. This may be an absolute shock but not all men are lousy.

No one suggested she should accept it, but we did suggest she talk to him without going in all guns blazing, I'm sorry but unless you have absolute proof you have no right to accuse this man of an affair, and it's wrong to out those ideas In a fragile woman's mind!

Im not looking to start an argument, so we shall have to agree to disagree

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 27-Nov-12 07:50:44

Madame - he is not just withdrawing sex, he is also being emotionally distant and pretty cruel too (the yawning and lack of affection).

GetAllTheThings Tue 27-Nov-12 08:12:44

You know, people find excuses for women virtually every minute of every day on MN right up to their hitting their partners. Why ?  Because there's an understanding that situations often have a context and a back story. That people are human and make mistakes.

Both OneSword and I have direct experience of the situation the OP finds herself in, and speaking for myself, understand that there can be issues beyond the shallow politically motivated interpretation some have here. None of you are men yet you seem to feel perfectly qualified to comment on his state of mind and motivations. 

I believe OneSword and I share our experience with the OP in the hope it will help the her and her DP in some way. Offer an alternate view based on direct experience. That's how these threads work. 

To simply assume her DP is having an affair, against her opinion, and express that speculation to her is helpful how ?

If a pregnant woman posted that her dp was pestering her for sex every night against her wishes, that she found it hard to show any affection towards him as he thinks it'll lead to sex, that she curls up in a protective duvet every night, the response would be somewhat more sympathetic I'm certain.

And the heinious crime of yawning during a sex act. Jesus yes, leave the bastard ! How f*cking dare he.

Nobody here, including the OP, knows what's going on in his head but we're agreed they need to talk about this , everything else is speculation.  

None of this is helpful to the OP so like OneSword I'm out.

OP talk to him, don't make accusation but be v clear about how you feel and how upset you are. Hopefully you can both work it out and move on to a happier future. Good luck. 

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 08:25:05

"And the heinious crime of yawning during a sex act. Jesus yes, leave the bastard ! How f*cking dare he."

It absolutely is a heinous crime in the middle of an intimate act... especially when stacked up against the very extreme cold-shouldering that is being described. I'm not going to speculate on his motives for behaving this way but it goes way beyond the usual 'not tonight darling' brush-offs. There's something not being said...

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 27-Nov-12 08:30:11

Sadly many of us have been where OP has been sad and we know too well the signs of someone who has checked out of a relationship sexually, emotionally and mentally.

No one has suggested that Op should leave the bastard at all hmm

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 08:45:45

I sympathise with the op's situation and wonder if this is a form of sexual abuse where you are first put under huge pressure to perform sex acts or have lots of sex and then sex and affection is completely withdrawn, but I am also quite uncomfortable (understatement) at the thought of any sex act being performed on someone who doesn't consent to it. I don't think it is acceptable to try and force someone to get aroused or carry on touching them when they don't want it and I think it is awful to think of him wrapping himself up in a duvet to avoid unwanted touching. The only way around this is to talk.

OneMoreChap Tue 27-Nov-12 14:25:43

maras2 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:42:12
What an arragant pig,ignoring your attempts to make love.

Nonsense, she doesn't know why. If it was a woman ignoring attempts to make love, it would be called pressure, and she's be told the man had no right to expect it.

Sounds like there's other things to worry about, but I love the rush to affair etc...

OneMoreChap Tue 27-Nov-12 14:27:39

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 08:45:45
I sympathise with the op's situation and wonder if this is a form of sexual abuse where you are first put under huge pressure to perform sex acts or have lots of sex and then sex and affection is completely withdrawn,

I'm flabbergasted at that when I agree completely with ^ I am also quite uncomfortable (understatement) at the thought of any sex act being performed on someone who doesn't consent to it. I don't think it is acceptable to try and force someone to get aroused or carry on touching them when they don't want it^

NotANaturalGeordie Tue 27-Nov-12 14:33:59

Hi OP hope you are ok.

For what its worth, my DH went completely off sex during my pregnancy with our first DD. I felt humilitated, rejected, wondered whether he still loved me, if he was going to leave - I thought about leaving him and I was very miserable. He didn't admit it was the pregnancy (for fear of my reaction) until after she was born.

After she was born, our sex life returned to normal until I fell pregnant again, but this time I was prepared for his feelings and coped much much better.

I hope this helps and that things get better soon.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 27-Nov-12 14:42:25

I'm really surprised to read that many people seem to think this guys behaviour is acceptable or just nerves about the baby.

He has completely closed down on her and more importantly, he won't tell her why. Unless he's always been a pig, then it looks like something has happened recently. It's quite natural to wonder if an OW is involved.

Please try to get him to talk to you, OP, but if he won't, then prepare yourself for the worst.

My DH also wasn't keen on sex after I was 6 months pregnant or so. Fair enough. We talked about it, laughed about it, carried on hugging etc. This guy really is something else. Yawning during a hand job with no affection, no conversation etc, is a deliberate way of saying: F* you.

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 14:53:11

Why flabbergasted OMC? Sometimes there can be abuse from both sides in a relationship, I actually think it is very common for it to be like that. There's not always a clear cut "baddy" and "goody". I did some abusive things to my xp when he was abusing me (cheated, told some lies) and I think most victims of a primary abuser do behave secondarily abusively at points.

Not saying it is that way here because the only actual suggestion made on this thread of anything which is obvious abuse is the handjob. The handjob is undoubtedly abusive towards him to me and i'm pretty shocked other people don't see that. I don't want to call out the op for being abusive before getting more information because it may be secondarily abusive as a result of him setting sexual boundaries where consent is not required for sexual activities that one partner wants.

It was the mentioning of both the man's hugely higher sex drive at the start and the complete withdrawal of any affection now combined with a stated lack of communication and inability/reluctance to communicate did make me wonder if the origin of abuse in this relationship is actually him rather than her. I know that may seem a bit left field but it is one possible explanation of all the things not just the incident where she behaved abusively.

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 14:54:11

And to be fair I think someone who is being touched without their consent is pretty damn entitled to say fuck you.

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 14:57:40

This is the first time on MN I have really agreed with the sentiment of "if the genders were reversed you would get a totally different answer" and no-one's even said it...

GetAllTheThings Tue 27-Nov-12 15:00:30

I've said it Offred.

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 15:09:10

Ah yes you did sorry! I agree.

Charbon Tue 27-Nov-12 15:10:11

I don't get the sense that this is about consent at all. Nor do I think that if a man posted that he had brought his partner to orgasm while she laid there, yawned, left the room and then silently turned over, would be berated about abusing her consent, especially if his posts contained all the other contextual details about the sudden change in a happy relationship, the cold shouldering, the lack of engagement, the porn use and the pressure his partner had previously exerted to get him to engage in pornified sex that he wasn't comfortable with.

Some posters though would notice instantly that the interaction described resulted in no orgasm for the man and in my view, this would have attracted more comment than it has on this (woman's) thread because men having sexual interactions without orgasm is regarded as more unusual. But the fact that the OP didn't receive any reciprocal sexual attention has slipped by almost unnoticed on this thread.

As for the 'rush to affairs' jibe, as far as I can see posters are suggesting this as a possibility rather than a definite. It is just as plausible as suggestions that the OP's partner finds pregnancy and weight gain off-putting, has something on his mind etc. If someone posts about a problem that in many posters' experience, is often attributable to one cause in particular, it would be of no help to an OP if no-one voiced it as a possibility.

As far as I can tell, the resounding message on this thread has been that the OP should talk to her partner about her feelings, rather than crying herself to sleep and worrying.

EggsandBacon Tue 27-Nov-12 16:24:50

Thanks all, it really does help to have all perspectives as I think I've got myself so wound up I can't think straight. I am going to try and talk to him, it seems the only way forward. I tried a little last night, just about the lack of cuddles, and we did then have a cuddle.

I hadnt even considered that it might be abusive for me to keep touching him when he didn't want it - I guess I just assumed that if we could just be intimate again it would fix everything. I'm going to try to get him to talk about how he's feeling, and then take it from there.


GetAllTheThings Tue 27-Nov-12 16:32:24

Good for you Eggs, I really hope things work out for you all.

For what it's worth I don't think you're abusive at all, I can fully understand your need to have some affection. smile

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 16:45:51

Can I be very clear in saying I am not saying eggs "is abusive". Touching sexually without someone's consent is not ok. I do think it is important to mention that and important to say they should be no subjectivity about the fact that it is up to the one seeking consent to ascertain consent.

However I stand by what I was originally saying. If a woman who had gone off sex and was wrapping herself in the duvet to try and avoid it then orgasm or no orgasm a partner who badgered for several nights and then just went ahead and touched her, continued to touch her when she showed signs of not being into it would be (quite rightly) slated.

That however is a separate issue.

It is absolutely horrible and abusive of him to be leaving eggs crying in bed all night and completely failing to actually communicate with her.

Eggs if it helps qualify the above thing I think the yawning was nasty as well. I find it hard not to see these things aren't all connected and I suspected it would be because you didn't realise about the consent thing which makes me wonder why that is and if, at the beginning of the relationship when you describe him as having a high sex drive he wasn't interested at all in your consent so it had set the boundaries and dynamic for your sexual relationship from then on.

He owes you an explanation for the complete withdrawal and also for the yawning. I'm also quite concerned about you feeling you can't speak to him. You should be able to, do you know why you feel you can't?

EggsandBacon Tue 27-Nov-12 17:09:47

I wondered if the yawning was him trying to say "I'm tired and not interested in sex" - or if it was just accidental (we are both tired a lot). He did orgasm so I assume he was into it though.

I think I find it hard to talk about these things because it is such a sensitive subject. He tends to close off when we discuss anything intimate - and I think over the years I've started avoiding those sorts of conversations as a result as I can see it makes him uncomfortable. I guess we always got by in the past by just avoiding it - on particularly tricky subjects, we've resorted to emailing rather than speaking in the past, which I realise sounds totally ridiculous. But this isn't something I can email him about, obviously, so now we're stuck. I really wish everything was just normal again without having to take any action.

GetAllTheThings Tue 27-Nov-12 17:56:46

Eggs I found it so difficult to discuss those kind of issues. I guess a lot of people do.

I found it difficult to the point where I just couldn't get words out, it sounds idiotic I know, but it was very upsetting for me, and XP, it was like a vicious circle and I can't really explain why. I'd just clam up after a few words.

I knew I wanted to say stuff, I knew I wanted to make things better, but it would come out wrong. It had nothing to do with my feelings towards my then partner.

But it certainly contributed to the demise of the relationship. The next thing that happened was that I slept in another room on the excuse that I snored. That was basically the beginning of the end.

You have to find a way to work through this, and talking , as hard as it might be is the only way I think. Don't let what happened to me happen to you.

And I'm sure somewhere in my life I must have yawned once during sex due to tiredness, and been on the receiving end, I don't get why it's such a 'heinous crime' to some posters here.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 27-Nov-12 18:21:24

Of course yawning during sex alone is not a heinous crime. However, on top of not showing any affection, wrapping the duvet around himself, refusing to admit anything is wrong and rejecting her so that she cries silently next to him - yes, that IS pretty horrible.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 27-Nov-12 18:24:06

Op, why not send him an email letting him know how you feel?

Charbon Tue 27-Nov-12 23:33:29

Eggs you say you're going to have a discussion about how he is feeling, but it's just as important that you tell him how you've been feeling and what changes you'd like to see in your relationship.

Talking about intimate and personal issues promotes intimacy as a couple, whereas having subjects which are off-limits causes all sorts of problems in a relationship. You are in an intimate relationship and you are soon going to be parents to two children. If you are only able to interact on a superficial level with eachother, the bond you have will grow weaker. This habit you've both got into of not being able to speak about issues face-to-face needs tackling along with everything else.

It's much easier for someone to detach from a relationship if face-to-face communication about conflicts or personal turmoil is absent.

I might add that people who find it hard or impossible to risk a difficult conversation are especially vulnerable to infidelity. They find it impossible to discuss unhappiness with a partner, to risk offending someone who is trying to breach their boundaries, to nip a potential affair in the bud and to extricate themselves from situations that are getting out of control. It's a significant personal risk factor.

GetAllTheThings Wed 28-Nov-12 09:48:34

Thisisaeuphemism I agree, but someone up thread posted it was a heinous crime in it's self. Which is an insane opinion imo.

Charbon I've got do disagree with your last point if I'm reading it right. I had problems discussing things with my XP and she eventually went off and had an affair.

Dispute the pain involved and ramifications, I could understand why she did it.

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