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confronted over "culling" a friend, how to respond?

(112 Posts)
baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 14:03:17

In the past I have been pretty blunt about ending friendships, and regret the burning bridges approach, it would be nice to back away from someone without being so brutal and final about it

anyway that is what I've been trying to do lately, and it's not easy, but generally people get the gentle hint but stay on "hello" terms and it's okay

but I've just been texted by someone I used to be very close to but wanted to back away from. I don't want to cut all contact/burn bridges, that would be sad because we were close in the past but the truth is I don't think we like each other in the present tense and I think that's mutual, yet we still get our kids gifts, get each other expensive gifts at christmas and birthdays and generally behave like we're still the best buds we're quite obviously not!

So what have I been doing?
- Caring a bit less, still chatty but I don't open my soul for it to be criticised and mocked and perhaps some of our recent news has got to her via facebook/other people
- I've done the birthday present thing this time because due to timing (i.e. her just having given me loads for mine) it would have been too blunt to stop all together, but it was cheap and tokeney - however we are stoney broke and it would have been anyway but she doesn't understand "broke" - she's one of those people who don't count their savings when they complain about having no money IYKWIM
- just hoped to fizzle it away a little without being hurtful and never speaking again

now she's texted to say that she's noticed that our friendship has changed and she's sorry if she's not the friend I want her to be.

I don't know how to respond
Old me would either not respond say "yeah well I don't really want you in my life any more" and deleted her number and deleted her off facebook etc and we would never speak again and it would be shitty for mutual friends or if we passed each other on the street
I don't want to do the old me way!
I don't want to "fix" our friendship either - Its not like we fell out over an incident, I don't really like her, there's no big elephant in the room though
Not responding would be quite final too IMO?

I'm new to trying to move away from people in a more gentle way! please help how do I respond in a vague but amicable way?

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 26-Nov-12 20:24:26

Sorry you feel like that, it sounds like we're both in agreement then that we should move on from this friendship.

baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 20:28:36

it seems like its done now anyway, the last text was from me and no reply from her so if she replies again with more of the same then I'll say something like that Panda.

I think it's done now, just hope things are on hello terms when we next bump into each other, but if they're not they're not! I'll still say "hello" anyway

Mintyy Mon 26-Nov-12 20:41:04

Did you actually take any of the advice given to you on this thread?

madamemax Mon 26-Nov-12 20:44:38


baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 20:44:38

yes mintyy I think I have posted a number of times that I took Selks advice and replied something along those lines (similar to what others have also suggested too)

just not yours

monkeynuts123 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:50:35

Gosh still not sounding too nice there op.

baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 20:51:32

I have also, as suggested, thought about why I became friends with those 4 women in the first place in an effort to not repeat history, and concluded that for half of them it was more a case of being thrown together than them being typical of "my kind of people", one being just down to being blinded by coolness as a school girl, and the one in the OP has already been described. I've made lots of great friends in between and don't actually think I'm choosing a disproportionate amt of bad apples, but that when I do, I am a bit thick at realising it and give them the benefit of the doubt for too long - not sure what to do about that though!

baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 20:53:13

how so monkeynuts?

what should I have done differently in your opinion?

monkeynuts123 Mon 26-Nov-12 21:26:53

well you just sound like you objectify people, but essentially some of your replies here have been rude. Oops I may get culled myself in a minute! I sympathise with having to sometimes end friendships and the complicated feelings that can bring, including regret.

baublesandbaileys Mon 26-Nov-12 21:30:43

I don't know what you mean by me objectifying people? what does that mean?

outdressedlikethis Mon 26-Nov-12 23:01:19

Monkey and Minty, despite the fact that when put together, you sound like an adorable 50s popstrel duo - you're just being unkind, and you're relishing it.

How does standing up for yourself = objectifying people?

Friendships aren't like they are portrayed in wimmin's magazines. They are difficult and hard, because people are difficult and hard, and also pretty weird. This sort of stuff goes on all the time, it's natural, it's normal, and the only way we'll get anywhere is by admitting it. The unkindness is boring because it doesn't get us anywhere.

Now go and write some three minute pop songs.

AThingInYourLife Tue 27-Nov-12 00:23:42

"Friendships aren't like they are portrayed in wimmin's magazines. They are difficult and hard"


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