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Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

(256 Posts)
Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:23:56

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.

I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 10:58:24

The six month storm off was 5 years ago, DS was tiny. Not that it makes it any better, just trying to show it was a long time ago.

Of course DS will be welcome to see his dad at any time if we split up. But I'm certain he will be very sad if daddy didn't live here. The poor wee chap was in tears last week because I said we would move house if we won the lottery- he loves things the way they are....

I know it's considered foolish to stay together for DC, but I'm really struggling with the idea of causing him distress. I know how tough for kids in a break-up even if at least one parent is reasonable.

Oh, my children are running around giggling together right now, as I type and see their Dad regularly. They are happy and so am I. There is life after separation and it can be better than you can imagine, once the dust settles.

Take your time though, talk it all through, try not to be rash or make big decisions, whilst feeling like this. Or it's ok to say I'll think about it, to anything he says today x

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 11:02:27

He wants things to stay the same because he is a child.

You are an adult. And things can't stay the same.

But try to rest, don't get ahead of yourself.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 11:03:26

It is tough for kids growing up in an unhappy and unstable household and that is what your DS is experiencing.

You both are teaching him that its ok to be childish, to storm off etc.

LittleEdie Sun 25-Nov-12 11:18:36

A big thing for me (currently in the middle of splitting up) has been accepting that my DH will always blame me for ending it, no matter what he has done to provoke things.

cashmere Sun 25-Nov-12 11:19:40

What does he expect you to think of him?!
Storming off is the last thing he should be doing and from what you've written I expect he is expecting you to step back into line. Eg if I make enough fuss I'll scare her into forgetting about it.

I also wonder if his haste to collect DS is also an attempt to stop you being able to talk about it. Keeping things public or in front of children is quite effective- by the time you have privacy your adrenaline is often gone and you're tired/sleepy.

You might not want to say but was your argument sex related? If so do not allow that to justify what he's done.

DS may adore his Dad. I'm sure he adores you too. He will notice if his Mummy is unhappy. It's not a black and white case of if you ask him to leave he won't see DS. I think he's done a good job of keeping you in your place by 'leaving' when your DS was a baby.

No-one is all bad but he really does sound unpleasant. I'm so glad you've told your Mum.

clemetteattlee Sun 25-Nov-12 11:23:03

Do YOU want to stay for YOU?

Wankarella Sun 25-Nov-12 13:07:03

He does sound very selfish, don't blush about what you said to him, he needs to hear the truth.

I do not think anyone brings children into the world with thought that one day they will be a single parents, I didn't, I knew my relationship was toxic (affairs, shouting, walking on eggshells awaiting him return from work) but I stayed as I didn't want to upset poor DC.

I won't lie my dc were devastated when we separated, my eldest was 9/10 at the time and I still have a very vivid image of him sitting crying and sobbing, when his father left, poor boy, move forward a few years and he a happy child, I have so much love for my children, we are a very cuddly family, he reduces me to tears sometimes just for being such a lovely, kind, helpful boy, he is my best friend, he helps with everything, very considerate to me, to the point he tells me to 'come to your bed Mum I will carry your tea and magazines' (this melts my heart every time) they also do fight but at the end of each evening though the 12 year old always asks his brother for hug and they say 'I love you' to each other and have a kiss and cuddle.

I thought there was no way I could 'cope' with 2 children alone and I felt terrible and lonely and useless, few years on and I realise I have more than enough love to give my dc, someone coming in and out of dc lives does more harm to them in the long-run, an ad-hoc Dad is not good, we have lots of fun and laughter, lots of giggling and silliness, more importantly lot of love with no arguing, this makes me very reluctant to ever bring a man back into our family unit we have.

I hope you can work through this but keep your self-respect, if you P is behaving like an idiot please do not beg for him stay to keep together a 'family unit' again I am sorry this has happened and stay strong, these next few days/weeks will be difficult do whatever you can to take care of yourself.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 13:17:10

From what you have said about him, it sounds like he wants out of your relationship but is too chicken to do it himself and doesn't want to look like a the bad guy

Now you say that you don't want to be the one to end it either

Where does that leave you ? Stuck in an unhappy relationship with a cheating man, and both of you giving damaging examples to your little boy

IMO, children do better when both of their parents are happy and neither of them are making sacrifices that diminish them. If that means mum and dad don't live in the same house, but continue to co-parent, then so be it.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 14:30:07

I really don't think that DS has been affected so far as he's witnessed no arguing or hostility. But I know sooner or later he is likely to notice.

I somehow feel that because he's an only, he will take a split harder and will feel his father's absence more. I know I can manage practically alone, and luckily I could just about make ends meet financially too. But I've been a single parent when he left for 6 months and I know how tough it is emotionally, I found it very hard, lonely and desperately missed someone to share in the responsibility and joy of DS.

The argument we had was about his work. If I say too much I will out myself to family and friends who use Mumsnet. He basically made a decision that meant working unsociable hours, for no more money, so he could spend weekday hours trying to establish a business that he has been working at for 10 years as a hobby, but which has never made a penny. He doesn't earn much as it is, I work hard and cover most if our outgoings. I have supported him in his efforts so far but when he decided to change hours so DS and I will not spend time with him at weekends, to enable him to chase his dream I objected. He disagreed, and we were at loggerheads about it. It now feels stupid and childish to have not settled an argument for 3 weeks, we had reached stalemate but I never thought it would come to this.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 14:34:14

Do you not think that is a symptom of his ongoing lack of commitment to his family rather than a cause of an argument. FWIW I think you are right not to let it drop btw. Exactly right to still be angry with him.

Inertia Sun 25-Nov-12 14:45:27

But he's not sharing the responsibility and joy of DS now. He's prioritising his hobby and guilt-free nights out with other women above both DS and you.

I'm sorry this has happened - sounds as though you are carrying all the responsibility in your family with little support. Hope you've had the chance to clear your thoughts today.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 14:56:04

I think exactly that offred, which is why I was so against it. He genuinely seemed baffled by the fact I thought it wasn't fair on DS and I, he felt I wasn't supporting him.

We ended up being civil but little else, unless DS was around. We haven't had sex for over 3 weeks, I know he was upset about this but I told him I can't have sex with someone who isn't being nice to me IYSWIM.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 14:58:05

I'm actually in bed. He took DS straight out from my mums, don't know where as I've not heard from them.

I know I need to get up and sort myself out instead of hiding away feeling pathetic but I can't face it and I feel terribly sick.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 15:02:40

Let yourself hide. You will benefit from the rest even if you don't sleep.

It is him that is completely wrong. You and ds shouldn't be there to support him with a hobby that he is replacing his work with. If he had the option to change his working hours like that it should be so he can spend more time with you both not less. He is a total coward and very selfish. Can't believe he is showing such contempt for you sad

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 15:09:42

I feel confident he is being unfair until I talk to him, he sees things so very differently to me. Then I begin to doubt myself and spend ages trying and failing to explain my point of view. He tells me all his friends think its a great idea, which just fuels his insistence that I'm being unreasonable.

Thank you for your support Offred, and everyone else.

scaevola Sun 25-Nov-12 15:13:45

I suggest then that you do not attemp to see him and talk to him until you have had the time to become stronger and not doubt yourself so easily. Also, you are not responsible for his choice to involve himself with another woman. You need not explain yourself. He needs to explain himself.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 15:17:56

Is he a sheep? All his friends... Pah, even if it were true!

The facts as I see them are he has a son, he has a partner and that word should mean what it means. It sounds as if he has not ever had any intention of being a father or a partner and he has done his best to avoid it.

For your sanity and for your ds' happiness you can't keep mopping up his mess and I'm glad you haven't given in to his ridiculousness over these things. I know from my life that ultimately if your partner intends on not being a dad or a partner in any meaningful way; providing financially, physically and emotionally and working in partnership with you then it does more harm than good to try and cover this up. I think children can cope with anything, it is sad that they sometimes have to take crap from an inconsiderate and irresponsible parent but it is much better than protecting them from that if it is the truth.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 16:33:53

He's bought DS back and gone out to watch football. I managed to hold it together with DS, hard at first but now we've got stuck into making something out of a big boxgrin I'm doing a great fake smile.......

I can't get into his stubborn head that what he's done is a bigger deal that what we disagreed about a few weeks ago. He just keeps referring to how we've had a horrible few weeks, and how unreasonable I'm being about his working hours. As far as I'm concerned the working hours issue pales into insignificance now, but he won't accept that.

I just can't find the words to make him understand.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 16:34:19

I think the subject of the row is relevant - often men who are workaholics choose to work rather than spend time with family as a way of checking out of their marriage and family life and being distant.

The fact that he chooses to spend his leisure time on hobbies and nights out etc must mean that he hardly has time for his family so I would imagine your DS is already used to the idea of him not being around much.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 16:39:01

Yes mad DS is used to him not being here quite a bit. But that's not the same as him not living here at all...... He's a creature of habit, I wouldn't k ow how to begin to explain that daddy will not be living here anymore.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 16:43:11

I think you are hiding behind DS.

He does not need to know the full details - just that his dad will be living in another house but will see him lots and that he still loves him etc.

You really need to start thinking about investing in your life- developing friendships, hobbies etc, even if you decide to stay in this dead marriage.

It's not acceptable to go off snogging people angry

Poor you. I think you're at an impasse right now. Do not settle for this being brushed under the carpet.

Can you write notes about how you feel? So if he interrupts you when you speak, you do not get confused or forget what you were trying to say?

You need a time to speak when DS is asleep really.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 16:59:24

Mad, I have invested in my life. There's plenty of room for improvement but I've got friends, and hobbies (although dint get enough free time to persue them). I'm pretty independent in many ways, would miss DP but I can deal with going out without him etc.......

But he's DS's father and I wanted to share bringing up DS together as a couple. I don't want to offend anyone, but the times that the 3 of us have spent together having fun are by far and away the happiest moments I've ever experienced. I don't want them to stop because nothing comes close.....

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 17:05:17

You say to him that living together is making you both unhappy and that you are going to now live apart and that although you will probably all be sad about this for a while in the end it will mean you will all be happier and your home will be calmer. Only tell him when you are sure of the contact arrangement and reassure him about when he will see you and when he will see daddy.

I think you are hiding behind ds too. This man doesn't seem to be much interested in him or you, this is horrible for a child to live with and learn as normal from a father.

I'm not sure I agree with the mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore but both love you because I think it sounds like a threat to a child who begins to understand love can be taken away.

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