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Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

(256 Posts)
Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:23:56

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.

I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 08:17:45

Thank you for the wisdom of Mumsnet.

Several posters have suggested maybe he has already moved away from our relationship in his head. I guess this has to be true to some extent- or he wouldn't have done this?

I am going to remember not to beg, and try to retain my dignity (possibly tricky as I'm tearful). But if he has moved on already, I want him to admit it and leave of his own accord. I'm worried that he wants me to ask him to go, because then he can blame me for finalising things. So he could end up staying because neither if us wants to put the final nail in the coffin.

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 08:22:33

I don't think ANYONE sane could 'blame you' for 'finalising things' when he's been seen, and admitted, snogging another woman openly in your local.

Nor would they think you were being unreasonable in insisting he change his attitude and demonstrate his commitment to the relationship pretty quicksmart, as specifically as you want.

Nor would they think less of you for, with the support of perhaps a carefully chosen friend or two, taking this as the starting point for a MUTUAL rebuilding of trust, respect and communication with a view to improving your relationship

It's a massive thing and don't let anyone tell you different.

I really hope you get some rest.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 08:24:25

It sounds like a dysfunctional relationship - what an immature selfish whiny man he is!! Sulking for 6 months FFS, teenage snogging with OW in public, silly fights etc.

He so needs to grow up - you and your DS deserve a real man. Sadly I don't think he ever will sad

ohfunnyface Sun 25-Nov-12 08:35:26

I don't think he wants to work on it, as sad as that is, he isn't behaving like a man who cares.

I would give yourself time to think it through, don't be drawn on what decision you want yet, and let him tell/show you what sort of man he is and what he thinks of you.

Do you think this previous row was signalling your break up? How long had you been arguing for? Was it resolved? Is it possible he could have orchestrated it to give him an 'out' of the relationship?

ErikNorseman Sun 25-Nov-12 08:35:42

He left for 6 months after a row??!?! And never tried to make it up to you? I'm sorry OP but no, he doesn't really want to be with you. I'm really sorry.

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 08:42:27

Don't get drawn in to the "he needs to end it" thought train. You give all your power away.

Second telling your mum the truth. You can swear her to secrecy but you need some RL support.

hopenglory Sun 25-Nov-12 08:55:27

If he's prepared to act like that in a public setting where there are people who know you, I think it's probably a very clear signal that he is sending.

Helltotheno Sun 25-Nov-12 09:22:06

I agree that he must have known your friend was there and that it would get back to you. What he's doing is forcing YOU to end it and in this case, I wouldn't let him do that, just so he can go round saying `owlfright Brooke up the family `. He's the one who wants out out so get him to admit it and tell everyone you know it's down to him.

Helltotheno Sun 25-Nov-12 09:23:09

Broke..durn phone

Sugary Sun 25-Nov-12 09:57:02

If a man did something like this as a result of being completely hammered and it was out of character and absolutely and utterly regretted, then he would be remorseful and beside himself with guilt and fear. He's not. He ought to be; you are the mother of his child.

I would calmly tell him that he's crossed a line and he needs to leave and think about what he's done and what it means. Tell him not to get in touch until he has done answers.

His reaction is so underwhelming that you would be setting yourself up for further pain if you allow him to carry on.

Good luck x

lotsofcheese Sun 25-Nov-12 10:17:42

How are things now, owl?

Unfortunately your "D"P is exhibiting emotionally-stunted behaviour. Agree with other posters who have said this is his passive-aggressive way of forcing you to make the decision when he is the one who wants out.

Leaving for 6 months after a row is ridiculous behaviour.

I'm really sorry to say this, but he sounds a real piece of work & I wonder what he contributes to to your happiness.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 10:18:59

Apparently is was outside, he didn't think anyone had seen. He said sorry and it shouldnt have happened, but not in a way that had much feeling. When I asked why he said maybe because someone showed him some attention- I called him a pathetic weak little man blush and he stormed off saying that if that's what I think of him......

He's collecting DS, I called my mum and told her the truth, she was so upset and pretty furious. I've asked her to be civil with DP when he arrives, I don't think her giving him a piece of her mind will help.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 10:23:48

Sugary, I'm almost certain that if I tell him to leave as you suggest, he will not come back ever. He will then say I ended it by making him leave so there's no point in him trying to fix it.

I realise maybe I would be better off without him, but for my own sanity I do not want to be the one who ends it. I would probably always regret it.

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 10:25:17

But just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

I'd say HE ended it by cheating on you and acting like a spoilt child huffing off for SIX MONTHS.

Doha Sun 25-Nov-12 10:27:53

For your own self respect you have to be the one who ends it. Do you want to live like this wondering where he is and what he is doing every time he is out? That is no way to live. If he stays without remorse it is practically a green light for him to continue in this way.
What time of atmosphere and home life is this for your DS.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 10:29:26

Yes, don't get drawn into this silly blame game.

Whatever happens to end this relationship it IS going to end by the sounds of it and he IS going to blame you no matter what. I suspect what you may regret on the other side of all this is not ending it sooner and putting up with all his bullshit. What other people think doesn't matter, think only about what is good for you and ds not what people will think or what you may regret later, make good decisions for sound reasons and you should not regret anything.

ohfunnyface Sun 25-Nov-12 10:32:47

He cheated on you and won't apologise??

He has already ended it.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 10:33:55

DS will be heartbroken sad

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 10:35:21

Who cares what he says re who ended it. If anyone asks, and you feel the need to explain, you can say that yes. You did end it. However, it was due to him moving out for 6 no ths and then cheating on you.

No one exists in a vacuum so people will know that you won't have suddenly on a whim done this. Further, most peoe aren't (or shouldn't) be interested in the gory details. Just giving you support

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 10:38:46

It's totally understandable but I think you are hiding behind DS because you are scared of ending it.

He stayed in contact with your DS during his six month huff, right? No reason to think he'll vanish out of your DSs life. At 5 your DS can have overnights and weekends with his dad, spend loads of time with him (assume he's at school/nursery?)

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 10:39:29

DS will be upset. I agree.

However, he will be just as upset living in a house full of anger and where his father could bugger off for 6 months without notice.

So, unfortunately, neither option is particularly good. However, I feel that you and DS will both hopefully re over more quickly if you end things now.

However, per my first post, I would bide your time. Wait and see what he has to say today. No need to make immediate decisions.

He stormed off after you asked him to help more for six months leaving you to look after DS on your own.

that's not stubborn, that's pathologically scumbag.

And now he's saying that he cheated on you and it was all your fault for not giving him enough attention and for falling out with him a month ago.

Leave him, you deserve more. Your son will cope as he clearly has one fab parent and an ok-but-not-particularly-useful-one-other.

betrayedandwobbly Sun 25-Nov-12 10:50:53

I'm sorry to say, but I have recently discovered my H's long-lasting affair that began (I think) with an EA and had a lengthy "snogging" phase before it moved to full PA.

Whatever may or may not be wrong in your marriage, moving outside it to give time, attention and intimacy to someone else is his choice and his responsibility alone. You are right to see this as a crisis time, but you can only save the marriage if you are both committed to doing so. If he does not accept that he has done wrong and take responsibility for his choice, it is unlikely that you even have a starting point to do so.

You may need time and space to sort out what you really want, both of you. There is a shock of discovery for him too, and he needs to decide for himself whether his priority is in or out, and though this is hard and unfair on you as it is a realisation that he is not automatically putting his family first, his free choice is the one he is more likely to mean.

So I agree that you need to hang on to your dignity: that doesn't mean hiding the depths of your hurt, but instead strive to remain calm and, if necessary because he continues unrepentant, kick him out temporarily. Having the time and space to think about what you really want is important.

Try to avoid making permanent decisions during the immediate crisis, but do research your options.

kernowgal Sun 25-Nov-12 10:51:16

I'm still agog that he said you could sleep in your son's room. While he gets to stay in your bed? Flippin nora, he should be offering to sleep on the sofa or go to a hotel himself.

He sounds extremely selfish.

I remember my guilt about my DCs growing up in a 'broken home' I labelled it and kept thinking about all the statistics as well. It's horrid to think of it all but these days I am so glad that I did end it. It was hard at the time though. Try not to let your son cloud your judgement too much. He needs a Mum who feels valued, so she is happy and that will make you a better Mum. He also needs to grow up in a family where the Father respects the Mother.

Give yourself sometime to make a decision and I would really push for marriage counselling if he wants to work things out, do not let him pretend it never happened and leave it all un dealt with.

To be honest he sounds very childish, do not let him put the blame on you for his actions.

Out of a matter of interest, what was the argument about a few weeks ago? The fact he is still holding a grudge about it all, is disturbing and a very poor example for his son. He is a modelling a very poor way to treat his partner and to deal with disagreements and conflict. Surely life would be far easier, not living with a man who guilt trips you and makes you feel bad until you back down or apologise? He doesn't sound very nice tbh sad

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