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Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

(256 Posts)
Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:23:56

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.

I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

Owlfright Fri 30-Nov-12 09:48:38

I'm good thank you. Seeing councillor today, actually I think shes a full blown therapist- really not sure where to start when I get there.

I have learned so much from this thread, which means I cannot sweep any of this neatly under the carpet.

DP is behaving in an exemplary way, and it is nice. If I let myself I could feel overjoyed, but I'm scared to because I don't want him to feel forgiven. In my own mind I feel like I've forgiven him, but I feel that I shouldnt have.

It's quite hard to balance moving forward, with not giving my forgiveness and trust on a plate if that makes any sense?!

I think knowing that quite a few people know about this is hard too. Plus I don't know how many other people the person who initially saw and told my friend will choose to tell. I don't think she is a particularly discrete person, and she owes me no favours.......

I don't want people wondering if I know, feeling sorry for me. I'd rather they knew that I know and have made my own decisions surrounding what DP did IYSWIM. I know it's best not to care what people think, but I've always found that hard....

Thank you again to all the wonderful MN who have helped me.

Offred Fri 30-Nov-12 13:33:45

Trust is really an essential part of a relationship. It is completely right to want to and to trust your partner.

Maybe you are worrying about letting us down still and holding back which may not be the right thing to do?

You feel he shouldn't be forgiven but you feel like you have? I think maybe you could examine that with the counsellor?

Owlfright Sat 01-Dec-12 08:16:27

Thanks offred, I worry about pleasing everyone unfortunately.

The session with therapist went well, I think she 'gets me'. I've seen her briefly before for something unrelated.

I think she thinks we should look at my tendency to feel pressure to do 'the right thing' all the time. We talked how this means I can't really be 'me'. I've had a tricky relationship with my mum all my life, which has possibly left me with issues. It's one thing accepting this, but I've no idea if I can actually change itsad.

I so hope she can help me address my relationship issues. I don't mean fix my relationship with DP (would be nice, but not that simple), but to help me to stop repeating the same mistakes like a stuck record.

Owlfright Sat 01-Dec-12 09:55:58

I don't know why but I can't seem to trust myself not to talk to people about all this. Anyone who shows me the slightest bit of kindness- I want to blurt it all out [confused.

I know it would be a bad idea, and I'm so lucky to have a couple of friends IRL who I can talk to. I've even talked it over with a professional therapist so why the hell to I feel the need to talk about it more and more.

I'm on the verge of turning down an invite to see a friend next week, she's having a few mates over and it would be a good opportunity to get out and meet some new people- but I'm worried all I will want to do is blurt it all out.

What is wrong with me?

You've discovered something big which is in your mind all of the time. That's normal imo. And it's normal to want to talk about it. And subconsciously maybe you want people to know how you're feeling and to take care of you.

I can relate to that. I think I felt the same when xh was a tosser.

But you probably need to pick who you tell a bit carefully and only you will know what's right.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 01-Dec-12 11:26:11

Yy talking about it gets it out of your system and in the retelling of it, it wouldn't be surprising if there were subtly different nuances as you gradually make sense of it all. Sadly the first person you'd normally turn to and spill everything to very honestly is the very individual who's at the centre of the upset. 'Blurting' it suggests you haven't identified someone close you can trust, if Mum's not suitable then someone dependable and non judgmental.

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