Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Where do i "put" my feelings, toxic sil and sis, dh with amnesia , just so , so sad ...

(35 Posts)
catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:20:50


I have posted about this on AIBU but a quick back ground

Dh has had severe amnesia ( 5 - 10 min memory) for 2.5 years , along with mood swings, depression, lack of empathy, apathy.

my sis and my sil ( his sis) have been incredibly intrusive into his medical care. He NEVER talked about his treatment, avoided it at all costs.

all converstaions with dh and them are "private and confidential"

during these conversations dh has ( apparenlty) asked for :

A second diagnosis

Therapy sessions

access be given to his medical notes

reduction in his medication

all of these were hiden from me , one visit to a therapist even involved my two younger ds ( 9 and 7) being left in a car / car park for an hour unattended and unabel to get back into the therapy building.

He is currently living with his sis ( 3.5 hours away) and since going there has

changed his mobile number twice ( I have no idea what is it)

missed a REALLY important assesment in London that could have lead to a course of treatement that has improved others memories by 90%.

myself and the chidlren can only contact him by leabing messages on sil land line. we have left dozens and dozens. SIl says we have left "less than 10"

He didnt even call on eldset ds birthday.

I havent spoken to him since early Sep.

He went 2.5 months without speaking to the kids and onloy recently rezponded after I got his mother / nephew involved.

His sis is lying to him, poisining him against me and there isnt a thing I can do about it.

I dont know what to feel, who to hate, it is cruishing, sad sad sad

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:23:51

So sorry to hear this shits still going on, in fact got worse by the sounds of it.

Nothing helpful to add I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run.

Feel free to vent and rag away

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:24:01

Rage not rag!

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:24:45

thanks upper,

I cant even speak to him

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:27:17

Can you speak to anyone in rl? Do you know why sil is behaving this way?

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:27:46

just before he went to his sis he said in mediation
" shes my soul mate"

in a meeting eith a MH advocat
" i just want things back the way they were"

and often said ( before his lillness)

" if i died to morrow I wouldn't regret a single t hing im my life"

but after 3 weeks with sil he stopped talkign to me sad

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:29:31

sil thinks we should have got divorced years agho , based on what I dont know, I REALLY dont.

Friends have said that we had the strongest marriage they had ever seen.

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:32:30

Can you get a doctor involved, maybe the mediation again. Sorry you've probably tried all that.

Can I ask what does she gain by having him there? What's his mum and the rest of the family like with you?

hattifattner Sat 24-Nov-12 23:34:12

he sounds very vulnerable. I would be asking social services to assess and get involved in his care. I think you need power of attorney, and you need to get him back at home with you ASAP.

Have you posted here before - about the sister interfering and taking him to alternate specialists and trying to access his medical records?

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:14

hes refused to go to any further mediation..
sil has turned all of his family against me.
my sis has turned all of my family against me.

sil is single and childless, so dh provides her with company but no "risk"

ive tried SS, vulnerbale (sp) adult services, the police.

I got friends to ring, our priest, etc etc no response , none

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:36:46


he is regarded as hiaving mental capacity ( in the moment) so POA wont wash,

I have posted before but in AIBU rathe than here ( I think confused)

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:37:31

i cant get him home if he doesnt want to come.

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:38:30

What about your children? Why would she do this? I'm not questioning you btw!

Jehmazeballs Sat 24-Nov-12 23:38:40

Does she want to look after him and thinks you aren't in her eyes so tells him not to contact you?
Do they get along?

Tortington Sat 24-Nov-12 23:39:30

why is he at sisters?

NatashaBee Sat 24-Nov-12 23:41:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:42:38

The kids were given no reason as to why he didnt conatct them for 2.5 months, so , so cruel to do that to children FFS !

SIL is very much "queen of the castle" , her way is the ONLY way, another sis didn't do what evil sisl wnated and so was complelty sidelined.

I can take ( sort of) her treatment , but the kids, really ??? I mean REALLY

I just dont know what to THINK or FEEL any more.

shoudl I get mad at him ( becasue there is an elemnt of choice there) or mad at here , but if all she wants is for her db to getbetter and she thinks that I am the problem then she thinks what she is doign is right .

I'm jsut so, so tired of it all ,

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:44:44


I started to question my care of him ( with 4 dc aged 13,11,9,7 i couldnt focus just on him)

but my gp said

" you have done everythign and more that coudl have been donbe2

and his sw said

" you have done everythign you can, you need to start looking after YOU know"

catfourfeet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:45:22

his sis said and I quote

" I will do my damnest to make sure he never comes home"

sad sad

Tortington Sun 25-Nov-12 00:18:28

is there such a thing as power of attorney - i mean - who is legally responsible for him? as his wife is that not you?

Uppermid Sun 25-Nov-12 09:29:02

Can you get the other family members involved again? For the children's sake if nothing else.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 09:49:04

Why is your own sister getting so involved? And being so malicious too?

I'm sorry for everything you and your children are going through, it must be horrible. Could she be interested in getting money from him and that's why she's insisting he stay with her; DLA, carers allowance?

Jehmazeballs Sun 25-Nov-12 13:21:25

Are you next of kin?
Does he have capacity to make decisions about where he resides or are we not sure?
Does he forget to contact you and dc or is he reasonably with it and is against you all?
Do you want him home?

diddl Sun 25-Nov-12 13:36:50

If nothing else-does he no longer have any responsibility/duty to his children?

I cannot imagine what anyone must be saying for both families to be against OP.

Why would anyone think that him being so far from his children is in his or their interest?

If his sister cared she would be keeping up his contact with them at least?

Seems an unbelievable situation that his NOK/children count for nothing.

If he really can only remember for a 5/10 minute span-how is he not vulnerable/in need of care?

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sun 25-Nov-12 15:04:58

I'm so sorry this is still going on. sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now