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Don't know what to do next.

(17 Posts)
BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 15:43:20

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and we have children. On the whole the relationship has been good but we are now on rocky ground and I don't know what to do. I was 18 and a virgin when I met him and I can look back and see how naive I was. He was not long out of a relationship with a woman he had been engaged to.

My husband is the stay at home parent while I go out to work. This was his choice. Two years ago he left his job with little discussion with me and decided he would stay at home. At that time I was in a part time job I hated and which eventually lead to me having a breakdown. I was off work for three months. Thankfully I found a new job and was able to leave 3 months after returning to the job I hated. My husband is still at home though is now talking about looking for a job as our children are all at school.

Throughout our relationship porn has been an issue. He knows that I don't like him using it and that I find it disrespectful but he uses it regardless. He doesn't think I know. I asked him to leave after discovering one vile site he'd accessed and he went. After some discussion and his promise to not use porn he came home, this was YEARS ago. He did manage to stay away from it for a while but needless to say it didn't last long.

A few months ago I was devastated when I realised that he'd been accessing websites offering no stings attached sex. We live in the middle of nowhere so there is little chance that he actually met up with anyone but the fact he was even looking really hurt me.

More recently it has become obvious that he has been accessing porn again. I know many people don't think this is a big deal but it is to me. Especially as it affects our sex life. The other night I called a halt to sex as it was so awful. He was there in body but not in mind. We hadn't had sex in over a week but he was less than enthusiastic even though it was him who initiated it.

He's away this weekend and I'm using the time to think of what I want to do and what I want to say to him. It has got to the point now that I feel like I have had enough. I have told him and told him my feeling about his porn usage but it makes no difference.

On top of all this I can honestly say I have been faithful to him for the entirety of our relationship. I don't think I can say the same for him. When one of the DC was a baby he was going to the pub with his brother and then coming home raving about one of the barmaids and how wonderful she was. I called him on it and she was never mentioned again and he stopped going to that pub.

When another DC was 6 weeks old he went away with a hobby for 2 weeks. While he was there he started mentioning another woman's name. A lot. She was often with him when he phoned home and they shared sleeping accommodation on a couple of occasions. During the 2nd week a huge bunch of flowers arrived for me. He had never sent me flowers before or since. When he came home her name kept on being mentioned and they were texting each other a lot. Eventually I told him it had to stop or I would stop it. He told me he had. Then I intercepted an email from her to him saying that she was sorry to miss him at an event they were supposed to meet at and that she had some hobby related bits to give him. She missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. I replied (in an email that took 2 days to write) telling her to keep contact to their hobby and that he missed said event as he was looking after me and our children.

He never mentions her now but I know when she's been there as he calls everyone else by name and refers to her as 'someone' or one of the females. I have no proof anything happened between them but it looks very likely it did.

He had a huge crush on a woman he worked with too. He spent our anniversary dinner talking about her! He even tried to take me for a drink where he knew she would be that night. Nothing happened there that I could tell but the mentionitis was exhausting.

Our relationship is good in other areas but I can't police his internet usage and I shouldn't have to either. I know I need to talk to him but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I work to support our family and his porn habit! Not to mention the possible infidelities. Believe it or not there is more but this is long enough as it is.

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 15:43:57

blush That is huge, feel free to ignore.

dequoisagitil Sat 24-Nov-12 16:03:20

So - you can't trust him. He's pretty darn disrespectful. And he makes unilateral decisions that you just have to suck up?

Do you want to live like this?

Doha Sat 24-Nov-12 16:07:57

And you are still with this waste of space....why??????????

*Our relationship is good in other areas*---- what other ares are sooooo good to make you put up with the above behaviour??

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 16:14:14

Doha I know it sounds ridiculous. I suppose it is. What I have written in my OP has happened over a 20 year period, it's not constant but it is recurring. The no strings stuff I discovered during the summer. The OW thing was 8 years ago (and still bothers me.). He says nothing happened. The porn stuff isn't constant either as far a I know but it does rear its ugly head from time to time. He thinks I don't know about it...

Doha Sat 24-Nov-12 16:24:35

Your DH does not appear to have any respect for you now or over the past 20 years. He has/had OW, he accesses porn. He decides without discussion to give up work while having a wife and family to support !!!! Selfish selfish selfish.
He is away for the weekend,what do you suppose he is doing in the evenings? Is he with family or "friends"

Please use this weekend wisely, any of the above would have had me packing HIS bags years ago.
I have too much self respect to allow myself to be treated like that OP, l hoe you have too

SucksToBeMe Sat 24-Nov-12 16:32:41

He is more than likely unfaithful and doesn't have any respect for the mother of his children. sad

dequoisagitil Sat 24-Nov-12 16:34:28

I think this is the pattern of your marriage. It is doubtful he will change his ways at this stage.

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 16:37:26

He is away with his hobby and two of our DC. 'She' won't be there, I know that for certain. He can't leave where he is in the evenings as he is in loco parentis.

I hear what you are saying and know it is true. That is what I am trying to come to terms with. I have to talk to him but I will be opening the Pandoras Box that I have managed to keep the lid on for many years. Once it is open I doubt there will be much hope left.

He'll be devestated by what I have to say. I have started writing a letter to him as a start of discussions. Mainly because I won't be able to do it without breaking down and making an idiot of myself crying!

If we were to split would I lose the children as I work and he is at home?

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 16:38:19


dequoisagitil Sat 24-Nov-12 16:47:36

Perhaps get legal advice before confronting him, so you know what your options are. I would have thought as the dc are school age and don't need someone at home all day, that you'd be ok, but it'd probably be a good idea to know where you stand.

I know it seems a bit arse about face, to find out that information before you talk to him, but yeah, I think it'd be good to know.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 24-Nov-12 16:56:52

Definitely see a solicitor before you say anything to your H: you need to know what your options are before taking action.

It is possible that he may have a chance of getting custody of the DC as he is the SAHP; you might also have to pay him maintenance if this happens. However, depending on the ages of your DC they may be considered old enough to be consulted. THe fact that he looks at porn and may have had sex with other women will not be relevant to whether or not he gets custody.

Once you've seen a solicitor, then you can decide what to do next, whether to end the marriage and leave/ask him to leave (depending on what solicitor has advised), or whether his contribution to the family in terms of childcare and domestic work is valuable enough for you to accept his sexual behaviours.

I am not suggesting you do that, just pointing out that there is no option C, of making him give up porn and flirting/affairs. He doesn't want to, so he isn't going to.

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 17:00:04

Maybe it won't come to that. If I talk to him and we reach an understanding, a proper one, maybe he'll change.

I know he'll be deveatated. I don't KNOW that he has been unfaithful. It might have been nothing except a friendship that crossed the line.

I am so confused. Is this really worth ending my marriage over? He could stop using porn. He could tell me that nothing happened between him and OW. He could admit it, we work it out.

I don't even know what I want! I love him, he has been my life or a long time. BUT. That 'but' is the problem.

Sorry, I'm waffling now.

BloodyStupidJohnson Sat 24-Nov-12 17:02:10

XPosted with SGB.

You are right. There is no option C. sad

Wecanfixit Sat 24-Nov-12 21:25:42

Be brave and strong you are still young to start over again beleive me it is worth it all good luck to you.

Newmama99 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:29:09

Perhaps someone mentioned it before, but what about trying counselling? may be that would help, and if it doesn't perhaps you could look at other options. I hope it gets better for you.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 08:38:29

Although you can't prove his cheating the rest of his behaviour is enough for you to call at end to this marriage - if that's what you are thinking of doing.

If you want to save your marriage - the only thing that may have a chance of working is LOSS. Selfish, entitled people are motivated by loss. It means you have to tell him that you want him to move out (at least for a while) while you consider your options. This may bring him to his senses and make him want to change.

I would begin rebuilding your own life - invest in yourself, friends, interests, work, training etc so that your self esteem improves and you may decide you are definitely worth far more than what this selfish twat is offering you.

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