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Please help, kicked me when I'm down and now wants to make up, can't cope

(180 Posts)
aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 08:57:53

Found out on Monday that H slept with someone four times while on two-week work trip abroad. Didn't use protection. He says he'd decided, without informing me, that we needed to get a divorce so was therefore single and not doing anything wrong (his very words). We'd had an argument the day before he'd left and he said I'd gone too far (again, didn't say that at the time). I'm in such a state I can't explain this properly.

The argument was nasty it's true. But I wasn't the only one, and he was pretty harsh, even threatening at one point. Now, he says he's not sure and is blaming what happened on the things I said. It came about because, as usual, he didn't take into account the fact that I have physical problems that make everything seem harder. It was DS's birthday and I wanted it to be great. He decided to invite his family and friends to dinner the same night, followed by six of his ex-colleagues the following evening. So I'd been cooking all weekend and preparing stuff for the kiddie party on Friday too. He hardly helped and wants a medal for what he did do. When he said in the middle of it that he was going out for a swim, leaving me with my DS and step-DS and all the cleaning, I lost it and we had the argument. I have a slipped disc (third in four years) and have been struggling with hormonal imbalance that started when I got chronic fatigue 10 years ago. It goes in cycles and my life is hugely better but I'm nowhere near to normal energy levels. Was getting back to proper weight but after this I've shrunk again, can only drink tea. The painkillers are the only things keeping me sane as one of them also treats anxiety. I'm gutted for DS too as I just can't see how we can get back from this as H says he will never feel remorse but is willing to start afresh (wtf?!).

What's worse is that I struggle to believe his version and feel he wanted to hurt me, as punishment for argument. I have no proof of that, just my gut. If he'd really decided to leave, would he have needed to tell me about OW? When he came home, we put little one to bed then he said he'd decided to leave. He burst into tears and was so distraught I softened (I'd been mad he'd not asked about DS by mail over the two weeks he was gone). That was when he told me about OW. This is the second time he's dealt with a dispute in this way, though the first time it was 'just a snog'. I'll never know, but he's such a child I believed him. Now I'm lost. Have managed to keep a brave face for DS but it's going to be hard to keep it up. H wants us to have counselling but my instinct says he wants to hurt me again by discussing it in front of someone else, humiliating others is a family trait, at least on of MIL's.

He didn't just have sex with OW, they spent time around people who know us both and to whom he probably told his version of events, that makes it ten times worse. It's horrible.
Please help, what are the baby steps to not lose it?

Leverette Sat 24-Nov-12 09:07:23

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ISayHolmes Sat 24-Nov-12 09:07:33

He sounds like an utter bastard who has deliberately hurt you in as many ways as he can- shagging other people to punish you and then rubbing it in as much as possible. That's monstrous and I think you need to get away from him. He has said himself that he will never be sorry for what he's done.

First thing is to accept that that there is obviously something seriously wrong with him to behave in this way, and it is NOT anything to do with you. It is NOTHING you have done.

Then you need to think about what you want to do next. I know that seems daunting and horrible, but a day at a time is the best way to deal with things while thinking about the future. I would ask him to leave. He sounds like he feels entitled to do these things and then you're expected to instantly get over it. He is an enemy to you in this respect: deliberately doing nasty things and then rewriting history to suit himself. He wanted you to feel pain and hurt.

You deserve better.

mcmooncup Sat 24-Nov-12 09:08:10

I wouldn't waste another second.
Just plan your exit.
He told you that he considered you divorced in order to fuck someone else. Counselling will not fix this unless you are prepared to compromise some/all of your soul.

saintlyjimjams Sat 24-Nov-12 09:12:27

Tell him to sling his h

EdithWeston Sat 24-Nov-12 09:12:34

Whatever the issues might be in your marriage and domestic life, they are never justification for an affair.

You need time and space to absorb what has happened, to come through the first shock, and to decide what you want in your future. Have you considered asking him to move out so you literally have the time/space?

NorksAreMessy Sat 24-Nov-12 09:13:37

Oh, you poor love, this is CRAP. P,ease do not live like this for a second longer.
From now on DIGNITY is your friend. It will help you to be strong and help you to move on.
Other posters will come and help as well, but a few suggestions

* decide what you actually want to happen. My instinct would be to kick the cheating bastard out, but you need to decide in your own mind what you want.
* get checked out at your local sexual health clinic
* Do not beg for anything. At all. Ever. You can state your case, explain the consequences and reasons but do NOT beg
* do not engage in any arguments. His behaviour is his problem.
* His friends are his to cook for, not your problem

When you know what you want to actually happen, come back and we will help you to do it.

What we CAN'T do is rewind the clock. He HAS done this despicable thing, and whilst some women do try hard to rebuild what had been a good marriage after an affair, it is a really, really hard thing to do.

saintlyjimjams Sat 24-Nov-12 09:13:38

Bloody phone - tell him to sling his hook - he sounds a selfish, lazy, arrogant, bullying pig of a man.

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 09:14:27

Well aint he a peach! hmm

I have nothing to add to the other posts really except to say that if you in anyway accept the blame for his cheating, your future life will be Hell.

I mean wtf - who, with a shred of decency, cheats on the false basis that you'd had a row, then blames their partner for it???

A fucking pig...that's who!

He's lazy, entitled, won't take respinsibility, and refuses to keep it in his pants. Why would you stay?

saintlyjimjams Sat 24-Nov-12 09:15:13

Good advice from Norks. And agree a good marriage can be worth working on, but you need to decide whether what you have is worth saving.

SamsGoldilocks Sat 24-Nov-12 09:20:21

He's a right charmer, isn't he.

Baby steps are to make a plan of what you want to happen and think about how long you need to realise it.

go to see cab/solicitor for 1/2 hr free session to discuss how separating happens etc., get copies of financial details - bank accounts, pay slip, that kind of thing. (best to keep them at a friends house).

Be brave.

Selky Sat 24-Nov-12 09:29:49

He is beyond redemption. All you can do is get away. Counselling will not help.

ThereGoesTheYear Sat 24-Nov-12 09:30:45

Good grief what a bastard.

Worse than having an affair is his attempt to blame it on you. That is despicable.

And to flaunt it in front of mutual acquaintances shock The mind boggles. Rest assured that the only person he is humiliating is himself. Any decent person knows that the way to check out of your own marriage - for whatever reason - is not by having sex with someone else and crowing about it.

So far he has:
Made you cook and clean for his friends regardless o your health
Threatened you in an argument
Cheated on you
Blamed you because he snogged someone else
Blamed you because he chose to have sex with someone else
Had unprotected sex

His behaviour is escalating and he doesn't care because he believes he can blame it on someone else. There is really something seriously wrong with his thought processes.

The fact that he has almost convinced you that you are to blame and that discussing all of this in front of a counsellor would humiliate you is testament to the damaging effect of living with an abusive man.

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 09:32:24

Thank you so much all of you. I had this feeling that no-one would reply, that's how little dignity I have left, I thought no-one would think it interesting enough I truly did. I didn't used to be like this.

It's so good to hear that you don't think it's fair to use the argument as some kind of justification (I don't say the word "excuse" because he says he doesn't want to excuse it). I just feel like my mind is so clouded by all this. He knows I take responsibility for things too easily and often criticizes me for it, yet now he's using that for his own purposes, it's making me sick, as one of you said.

Norksaremessy thanks for the concrete advice. In response to the STI thing, I have asked him to get checked and he says he'll go on Monday. We've had sex twice since he came back (I know, crazy but it was more out of desperation than anything else). I'm supposed to be staying lying down to see if disc will sort itself out without surgery so it's hard to just pick up and leave. He's out for the day, which is why I'm here. I wanted to write before but he was always around. He's a musician, is surrounded by "opportunities" all the time, as he kindly told me the other night. The thing is, in the past, he always made out that he ignored them and only wanted a happy family. I think part of him truly believes that, he just can't handle me not being as strong as when we met.
Can't stop crying, this is so hard.

But I know you're all right, it's definitely not ok. Feel like he's taken an iron bar to my stomach, I really do.

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 09:38:01

I bet!

Oh abd he DOES want to excuse it. Excusing it is exactly what he wishes to do. Never judge a person by what they say but by what they do.

He says he doesn't want to excuse it, but what is he actually doing? he is excusing it.

It would be laughable if it were not so awful.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 24-Nov-12 09:38:47

Some really good advice from everyone. I've got nothing to add except please look after yourself now- sounds like he has worn you down (even before the row/cheating). Please try to sat something- you can't live on tea. Take one day at a time. Good luck.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 24-Nov-12 09:44:04

What an arse, the fact he doesn't want to excuse his atrocious behaviour is unbelievable.
Think hard about what you want, not what fog he's made you believe. Xxx

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 24-Nov-12 09:46:24

Honey, he neither loves nor respects you.

He lumbered you with all the house work, all his kids, and your kids, and went swimming? That says it all really.

That and the affair.

He considered you divorced.

Well..... Does he still consider you divorced?

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 09:47:04

pictish just to answer your last question, I would probably have gone to stay with a friend if it wasn't for DS and my back. I've had two operations in the last four years so am trying to avoid another one, especially under the circumstances.
I don't ever bring up the physical problems to make myself out to be a victim, it's just the truth and he doesn't seem to realise how hard it's been for my self-esteem
It's such a panicky feeling not knowing what your limits are anymore. I often read people on here talking about their "deal breaker", I know longer have a clue what that is. I used to be the one people came to for advice, I don't know what happened. He can be so charming and gentle at times and is loving to DS, though more a playmate than guide. I've swallowed the idea that it's me who has a problem, that I've got a problem with money (I pay more towards everything) and that I analyse things too much.
Thanks everyone, RL friends are very far away, the new ones I've met where we live are totally in awe of H so no joy there, so I really appreciate your feedback.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Sat 24-Nov-12 09:52:36

oh what a cock! aefondkiss having CF and slipped disc must be excruciatingly painful for you. I speak as someone who has L4/5 problems and can understand the pain.

Your health aside, your husband is never going to accept responsibility for anything and will continue to treat you like a piece of crap - but only if you allow it. You have had some fantastic advice on here, please please take it.

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 09:52:56

Notquint no he doesn't. He's put his ring back on to "prove it". I've been in denial about this all week, mixed with moments of pure rage, which don't make me look good of course. I'm so glad I came on here, I can't tell you.

He says he loves me, is texting me right now about stuff he's doing with DS and step-DS.
Maybe he does love us, as long as he can have his musician's life on the road. I thought I felt heartbroken the first time, but this is so much worse.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 24-Nov-12 09:54:45

He is showing others how little you mean to him, by parading other women he is "dating" in front of them.

Does he often engineer arguments? Do you think he does it so that he can feel justified in removing his ring?

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 09:55:42

Um no. What he did, is not the actions of a person who loves you.
It is the actions of a selfish, unfeeling person, who wants it all his own way, and then to talk you round with a good performance when you start to have some clarity.

glastocat Sat 24-Nov-12 09:57:16

He is an utter bastard and you deserve better,

ImperialBlether Sat 24-Nov-12 09:58:49

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. He has treated you with total disrespect. By telling you situations like this are always happening, he's basically telling you it will happen again. Actually I would think they'd happened before.

He really is a selfish bastard, isn't he? He expected you to cook and clean and look after his DS while he went swimming? He not only slept with another woman several times but took her around to meet friends who knew you?

He is despicable. I'm glad you pay more now, because you'll be able to continue to manage financially. You need to get him to move out.

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