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Sharing naked pictures taken and shared without someone's permission in order to bully them

(162 Posts)
Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 08:55:37

Haven't name changed because I don't want to undermine ability to advise.

Also, am not interested in advice which tells me I am wrong to be upset about this or this is a small issue I shouldn't be making it into a big one because it is pointless given I have a different opinion which I am not going to change. What I want is a bit of support/advice with thinking this through in the context of me feeling it is wrong.

Dh's best friend visiting last night. Something weird going on between him and I anyway; on Thursday he texted me (not uncommon) asking what I was up to, I replied I was tired and stressed, the house was a mess and I was avoiding it in the bath and contemplating drinking a half drunk old bottle of wine which might be vinegar by now. Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly. This kind of thing is not uncommon, he's quite like this (Pervy) fairly indiscriminately when he has been drinking.

Last night it was a bit like he was trying extra hard to be a sexist prick, telling me repeatedly i wouldn't be interested in things because i was female and asking dh's opinion about stuff because he was a man. At one point he got out his phone and was laughing that he had a picture of a woman half naked on it to show dh. He does this kind of thing fairly often too - trying to give dh porn (will not have it in the house where we have 4 small children). I am seriously anti-porn; they both know this so I was already hmm

He went on to say the photo had been taken without permission by the woman's ex and when they split distributed round the school she used to work in causing her to leave her job and move away, the kids in her new school got hold of the photo and distributed it, crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.

I feel angry and sad for this woman, I told him it was really really inappropriate, his reaction was "so what? She's over 16..."

My dh was joining in with my expression that it was wrong at this point so friend says "so you don't want to see it then?" Dh says "well I didn't say that!" and giggles so then friend holds the phone up and dh looks and friend bangs on about the photo.

At this point I had not had a drink because I had a cold. I have been trying to be kinder to dh recently so have been going to things with his friends (they aren't my friends or people I particularly like but he normally wants me to come when he meets them all), cooking nice food for him, trying not to rant about politics or put things on the TV that he hates etc that day I had been cooking a curry and stuffed parathas and cleaning the whole house from top to bottom/sorting out our bedroom so it would be nice for him (us) when he came home. I also have a stinking cold and by 8.30 when we sat down I was knackered but had lemsip rather than going to bed because friend was coming round. This just felt like a slap in the face from him.

At that point I felt I had a choice between making my feelings known or having a drink so I would be able to continue to be friendly. One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends so I am trying to bite my lip.

So all night I pretended to be friendly and casual and this morning I am angry at myself for allowing myself to a. Be changed and b. be walked all over like some bastarding doormat when I'm trying really hard to be kind.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 17:18:10

Ha indeed! Stupid somethings nothings

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Nov-12 17:20:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Nov-12 17:21:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 17:24:42

matilda, my H is just like you describe

he would say, when faced with a phone shoved in his face in this way, "isn't it time you grew up, mate, I don't want to see it and neither should you"

it's not difficult...when you are a grown-up, and have an ounce of self-respect

ThatBastardSanta Sat 24-Nov-12 17:35:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 17:42:01

Just at MIL's for tea. If I banned the friend from around me dh would just comply with that.

I am not a disrespectful flirter I don't think and really I haven't actually changed since marriage so it'd be a bit tough if dh was just pretending to be ok with it and wasn't actually.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 17:43:04

Think AF has it - he isn't particularly grown up about relationships and he has zero self-respect.

Charbon Sat 24-Nov-12 17:59:28

The big difference here is that you have been attracted to him in the past - and he knows it.

I think this manipulative man is playing both you and DH like fiddles. He knows that you fancied him and have difficulty telling people who behave badly to fuck off - and he knows that your husband is a people-pleaser with some of the same tendencies. I think he sees this as a game that he enjoys and every so often, he'll ramp it up to see how far he can play you both.

This is a different problem to the one you've got in your marriage and with your husband though, Offred. This thread, together with the secret punishment stuff in the last one, are worth reading side by side I think.

I also think you might be downplaying DH's reaction as the thread has gone on. It seems to have gone from him willingly looking at the phone and indicating with enthusiasm that he still wanted to see the picture - to him being the victim of having a phone shoved in his face. Others have described a more appropriate response, with which I heartily agree.

Charbon Sat 24-Nov-12 18:00:37

And for this to mean anything, any 'banning' has got to come from your husband, not the Mother he is casting you in the role of.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 18:26:31

It is only different in that he is an arse, some other friends are people I've actually had relationships with and don't behave like arses like this.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 18:27:45

I don't do banning.

Dh's comment invited looking at it but it was immediately shoved in his face.

I wonder if it was meant to make me pissed off with dh rather than him...

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 18:39:01

And to make it so that dh chose him over me on something important <meddler>

Charbon Sat 24-Nov-12 19:10:10

I should have made it clear that the 'difference' was between this situation and the one the previous poster was describing.

The 'banning' comment was picking up on your own assertion that if you banned the friendship, your H would 'comply'.

Offred this man's behaviour towards you has always been arse-like, from what you've posted. I just don't understand why he has been given any agency by either your husband or you since he first behaved like that.

Yes I'm sure his behaviour was designed to show you just how spineless your husband really is, but that doesn't alter the fact that he is spineless, does it?

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 19:18:59

No quite right charbon it doesn't alter it.

Yes he has been an arse fairly regularly. I should stick with my judgement over other people's.

Yes, I think the same thing about him complying and how pointless that would be. It'd just be doing what I said.

Offred Mon 26-Nov-12 17:14:25

Have talked. At him.

<sigh> he said he thinks he just thinks when bikertwat is like this it is so ridiculous that he can't possibly mean it and it must be a joke. He says some of his other friends joke similarly and he does feel uncomfortable but thinks they can't really mean it because it is ridiculous. confused

I said do you think what you really mean is you don't like confrontation and you do that laughing along in order to avoid finding out if they actually mean it or not.

He laughed and said probably.

I asked if he was aware this thing was much more serious than just crudeness and that it was abusive and illegal and that you would have to be totally and utterly bereft of any kind of respect for women or other people to actually genuinely find that photo funny and not absolutely offensive given that it had been used to absolutely ruin this woman's life, which is of a completely different level of significance to a bit of crudeness or perviness.

He did seem embarrassed which means he hadn't thought about it but he can see what I mean.hmm

He said he tried to join in with saying it wasn't on (which was true) but made out he was helpless in the face of it being thrust in his face. So I said no, you can't say that when what you actually said was "he he he, I didn't say that!" And that response gives me the impression that either you are giving me the impression you respect women when you don't to please me or you feel unable to express to your friends when they do something that crosses the line and that both those things make me feel afraid and that in that situation it was fairly pointless me shouting at bikertwat any more because he would have just taken it as "oh he's under offred's thumb I'll wait till she's not around next time"

He said maybe he should have shouted at him.

I said I don't think you are confrontational like that and I doubt you ever will be, I am the shouter. I think you need to find the way for you to assert yourself in a meaningful way rather in defence of me being pissed off.

I said it concerned me that he squashed all his feelings and that he didn't even talk to his friends nevermind his wife about his feelings.

He says he is afraid of letting his feelings out and what happens to them when they are out and he used to write to get them out but he feels like he needs to go off on his own to be able to write because he feels like he can't do anything else when he is looking after the children.

I said well we have four of them and that isn't a realistic possibility and you will have to find ways to be able to do things like writing while the children are around because they aren't going away any time soon. I suggested he try writing poems he said he isn't good at that so I said practice, he could maybe write feelings poems for the children which would also help them understand why he was grumpy when he was etc...

I said I think he has learned to be invisible to cope with his parents but that puts a pressure on me to cater for his needs without him talking about them and I don't want to have to guess.

He said yes he sees that.

Sigh and now I have had the day from absolute hell and actually just want to punch anyone who comes near me but children seem happy for the first time in two weeks at least!

AnyFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 18:35:24

Head applied to brick wall ?

It looks like it.

Offred Mon 26-Nov-12 19:52:39

A bit.

Charbon Mon 26-Nov-12 20:01:53

What do you make of all this then Offred?

Offred Mon 26-Nov-12 21:25:46

He needs to do something to pull his socks up. Have not mentioned any rules of social engagement with biker twat but I will be expecting him to raise that issue with me I suppose.

Everything has gone wrong today, unrelated to this, and we are meant to be in london visiting my sister this weekend so I have been more concerned fighting immediate fires today than thinking about this.

I don't feel happy, feel on the edge for a million reasons.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 26-Nov-12 21:38:59

Offred it's good you've brought it up with him. That's a start, sorry your day has been shit otherwise.

Charbon Mon 26-Nov-12 23:00:35

You know Offred this sounds more like a parent-child relationship than one between adults who are equal. It sounds like you're constantly having to instil a moral compass in him and his friends, which must be exhausting when you've got to do that job with four children, who should all be learning their own morals from both of you. Even the language you use is telling - you say he needs to 'pull his socks up' and although I agree that he does - that's an interesting choice of phrase given what I've observed about the possible parental dynamic in your relationship.

I can imagine that you sometimes want to retreat to a world of other adults where the difference between right and wrong is just a given - and you can relax and not feel you have to right wrongs (or rant as you say) about things that should be obvious.

It really must be exhausting and I wonder when you get the opportunity to laugh, have fun, enjoy conversations and step out of that parental role and just be Offred? Maybe that's where the flirting comes in? When in the parent ego state, people often go straight to the child state to find a balance. Whereas I suspect you'd prefer to have adult-adult relationships with the grown-ups in your life?

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 07:49:58

That's quite revelatory, I do parent him. The flirty may be down to that yes. I will have to think on that. The big crisis incidentally has been down to me having to parent my parents (again) who were meant to be looking after my big two this weekend but I have had to draft my sister in at short notice because they just are not responsible or trustworthy.

Offred Tue 27-Nov-12 08:40:28

I am choosing my father and trying not to be my mother aren't I?

AnyFuckingDude Tue 27-Nov-12 10:07:11

She's bloody good, that charbon

Your DH's 'friend' is enjoying this immensely.

He has intentionally tried to stir up trouble between you and your DH.

And he has succeeded.

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