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Sharing naked pictures taken and shared without someone's permission in order to bully them

(162 Posts)
Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 08:55:37

Haven't name changed because I don't want to undermine ability to advise.

Also, am not interested in advice which tells me I am wrong to be upset about this or this is a small issue I shouldn't be making it into a big one because it is pointless given I have a different opinion which I am not going to change. What I want is a bit of support/advice with thinking this through in the context of me feeling it is wrong.

Dh's best friend visiting last night. Something weird going on between him and I anyway; on Thursday he texted me (not uncommon) asking what I was up to, I replied I was tired and stressed, the house was a mess and I was avoiding it in the bath and contemplating drinking a half drunk old bottle of wine which might be vinegar by now. Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly. This kind of thing is not uncommon, he's quite like this (Pervy) fairly indiscriminately when he has been drinking.

Last night it was a bit like he was trying extra hard to be a sexist prick, telling me repeatedly i wouldn't be interested in things because i was female and asking dh's opinion about stuff because he was a man. At one point he got out his phone and was laughing that he had a picture of a woman half naked on it to show dh. He does this kind of thing fairly often too - trying to give dh porn (will not have it in the house where we have 4 small children). I am seriously anti-porn; they both know this so I was already hmm

He went on to say the photo had been taken without permission by the woman's ex and when they split distributed round the school she used to work in causing her to leave her job and move away, the kids in her new school got hold of the photo and distributed it, crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.

I feel angry and sad for this woman, I told him it was really really inappropriate, his reaction was "so what? She's over 16..."

My dh was joining in with my expression that it was wrong at this point so friend says "so you don't want to see it then?" Dh says "well I didn't say that!" and giggles so then friend holds the phone up and dh looks and friend bangs on about the photo.

At this point I had not had a drink because I had a cold. I have been trying to be kinder to dh recently so have been going to things with his friends (they aren't my friends or people I particularly like but he normally wants me to come when he meets them all), cooking nice food for him, trying not to rant about politics or put things on the TV that he hates etc that day I had been cooking a curry and stuffed parathas and cleaning the whole house from top to bottom/sorting out our bedroom so it would be nice for him (us) when he came home. I also have a stinking cold and by 8.30 when we sat down I was knackered but had lemsip rather than going to bed because friend was coming round. This just felt like a slap in the face from him.

At that point I felt I had a choice between making my feelings known or having a drink so I would be able to continue to be friendly. One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends so I am trying to bite my lip.

So all night I pretended to be friendly and casual and this morning I am angry at myself for allowing myself to a. Be changed and b. be walked all over like some bastarding doormat when I'm trying really hard to be kind.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 09:03:19

Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly.

What does your partner say about this? Do you show him the texts? And why you encourage the bloke by reply to him and having him in the house is beyond me.

One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends

Really? Just that, really? You can't have an opinion?

Your DH sounds a right lemon and so do his mates.

Leverette Sat 24-Nov-12 09:03:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vaginald Sat 24-Nov-12 09:03:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Punkatheart Sat 24-Nov-12 09:07:03

Firstly, your DH's friend's behaviour and attiude is pretty revolting. You can judge people to some extent by their friends.

You truly need to sit down and think about your relationship and your role in it. No, you do not deserve or need to be a doormat....

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:12:54

Yes, dh knows he's like this. He often does it in front of dh, it isn't reserved specially for me. I am trying not to rock the friendship boat because a lot of his friends are objectionable to me but they are his friends. Previously I have said I don't like them and don't want anything to do with them and this has made him unhappy. So I was trying... Now I think stupidly...

Think friend was trying to piss me off and cosy up to dh because of the drunk bath texting he realised he'd done when he sobered up. Friend I suppose is pretty irrelevant. Until last night he's been a really good (supportive) friend to me too but written that off at this point (wonder if that was the point).

More bothered about dh and his not standing up for me which always happens.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sat 24-Nov-12 09:15:51

Harsh vaginald, no need for the disabalism!

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:16:22

Have been fine having a little flirt with friend in the past btw, not serious, quite liked him until last night but has made me uncomfortable with his perviness more than once.

Vaginald Sat 24-Nov-12 09:17:53

prostinating I truly had no idea it was a term associated with disability & now I am mortified!!!! Will report my post!

joblot Sat 24-Nov-12 09:25:20

The scenarios you describe are truly awful. Asking for naked pics is revolting and disrespectful- of you and your p. This man is vile and not a friend. The pics of the woman are criminal and absolutely unforgivable. What horrible men you know- and how soul destroying that you have to bend yourself out of shape to make your p happy.

Having opinions isn't ranting, it's human. I'm sorry but your relationship sounds very unfulfilling and unhealthy. You should feel able to be who you are not who your p wants you to be. Your post made me fume

Longdistance Sat 24-Nov-12 09:25:27

He'd be banned from my home.
What a vile little man.
He ruined a woman's career and life. Absolutely despicable!

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:26:06

I know what his friendships say about him btw. It is that he is a loyal and friendly person who doesn't assert his feelings when I think he should. His friends are all people from high school or uni and it is longevity and loyality that keeps them together.

HappyTurquoise Sat 24-Nov-12 09:26:26

I agree with others here, this friend sounds vile. However, how exactly is your dh meant to stand up for you any better when you are texting this perve while you're in the bath, and sending him encouraging signals? Stand up for yourself, he can't do that for you!

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:28:24

To be fair it is ranting rather than having opinions that i do and it is annoying. But I do now think it was wrong to stop doing it to help him avoid dealing with his lack of assertiveness - thought I was just doing it to be kind but I now see it was that.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sat 24-Nov-12 09:30:30

OP, this friend of your husband is a misogynistic, immature twat and a sexual harasser to boot. Ugh! Seriously, telling him your were the bath was like a red bull to a flag. Did you enjoy that text conversation? If the answer is no, why did you enable it?

It's great that you are making an effort for your husband (as an aside I have to wonder why you feel you have to - I don't know your background) but it doesn't mean that you stop from giving your opinions, especially on something that really gets to you. Playing the nice wifey by stifling your opinions is not healthy. But you know this and that is why you are so angry. I don't blame you, I'd be furious myself.

So, what are you going to do next time something like this happens?

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:30:54

I do stand up for myself to the friend but not so harshly anymore to be fair. At one point I would go to bed when he came over to avoid him (don't do banning), then he's been nice for years and then this week he's been nasty again.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sat 24-Nov-12 09:31:54

X post

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 24-Nov-12 09:31:59

Happy that's a bit harsh - if I got a text asking what I was up to and I was in the bath, I would say just that. It's not flirty, it's true.

joblot Sat 24-Nov-12 09:32:37

Your h is happy to look at obscene pics of a woman/victim of harassment? You're ok with that? I'd be horrified. Maybe it's just me though. I would be thinking this could be anyone, it could be me, I could never condone someone being amused at another persons suffering

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:34:08

I would have sent the same text to anyone btw, saying I shouldn't mention the bath's existence in an ordinary casual conversation to someone because it will goad them into sexually harassing behaviour is a bit victim blamey.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:34:31

Joblot - really not ok with it at all.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 24-Nov-12 09:36:06

Is he aware it's a criminal offence? To show others / send on the pics let alone take them

joblot Sat 24-Nov-12 09:36:21

Sorry offred I seem to be ranting a bit... I feel like you're putting up with more than you should have to and that's sad

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:37:17

I will not text friend anymore now, if he texts me I will not reply. If he comes round I think I'll just avoid him or suggest dh goes out to meet him. If I wanted to maintain the friendship I developed with him during the time he was nice I'd challenge him but actually I don't.

Don't know what to do about dh. Don't want him near me.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:38:34

Can'tbelieve - yes, that's what I was telling him when he said "so what?" He didn't take them this time just got them texted to him and is sharing them.

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