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A Sex Question......

(400 Posts)
moonblushtomato Fri 23-Nov-12 22:18:40

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

TisILeclerc Sat 24-Nov-12 23:23:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashesgirl Sat 24-Nov-12 23:24:48

I've reported it too, TisIleclerc

BelaLugosisShed Sat 24-Nov-12 23:25:00

Of course not AF, Mens' needs are the only thing that matter in sexual relationships, silly you for not knowing that.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 23:25:19 psychic powers required, you and I know that x

Sallyingforth Sat 24-Nov-12 23:28:47

AF if your childish sniping is addressed to me, I stand firmly and nreservedly behind what I said in my first post.

Whether or not the other poster was posting in good faith does not change my feelings on the situation discussed by one iota.

I am going to bed now and will let you have the pleasure of the last word, although judging by the last half hour you will need more than one before you calm down.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 23:30:28

sleep well, sally sad

Djembe Sat 24-Nov-12 23:44:03

Fucking hell, this thread sad

Keep up the good work AF [gin]

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 23:46:21

Grim wasn't it.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 24-Nov-12 23:47:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MadameOneSword Sat 24-Nov-12 23:58:07

Woah I think this is the only longer post I've every read every part of! Fascinating doesn't quite cut it, feel a bit sorry for OP whose innocent question turned into a debate on Marital consent!! hmm

I didn't agree with some of the posts! Especially those saying men who want more see women as objects! That's bullcrap in most cases, its not the 60's! And also saying people who ask questions on here have unhealthy relationships, again bull, she was just asking out of curiosity. Of course that's tragic when it turns into a discussion about someone being raped, frequently.

My dh and I have a healthy relationship, with three young children together and he has two more, we both work acts so finding time can be challenging to say the least, it both of us instigate sex, it's no more one than the other, I certainly don't see him as an object!! I'd say before ds (4 weeks old) we probs had some form of sex 3 or 4 times a week if lucky...after recent birth though if he comes within 7 foot of me, I might have to kill him. grin But during my pregnancy I got really annoyed that he didn't want to have sex...and eas asking HIM for more, clearly that makes me some form of monster hmm

frantic51 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:29

Good grief! This thread has brought back some truly upsetting memories. sad Glad slllloooomeee (or however she spells her name) has gone. Can someone explain "MRA" please? It doesn't seem to be on the acronym list.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 25-Nov-12 00:21:50

Mens Rights Activist I think, although could be Male Rapist Apologists judging by some of the posters.

frantic51 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:37:10

Thank you.

frantic51 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:41:16

So you think that slllloooomeeee was a man? And the other one (forgotten the name, cron something or other)? I really wish I had never clicked on this thread. No woman in her right mind thinks this kind of behaviour is ok do they? I know I'm not much of a one for the feminist board but...

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 25-Nov-12 00:44:30

I have no idea Frantic I just looked it up.
I'm sorry that it's brought back some bad memories, it did for me too. It's made me feel a bit wobbly..

MadameOneSword Sun 25-Nov-12 00:47:06

I'd sincerely hope not frantic! But you never know!!! I mean I find I hard to believe that people ' believed' in David Koresh or the KKK but they did, just because we can't make sense of it...doesn't mean others dont

frantic51 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:56:25

Oh God! Hadn't heard of David Koresh so looked him up. sad Sorry you're feeling wobbly too Exhibitionist. I'm off to find a frivolous thread in style and beauty or chat I think!

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 01:20:26

MRA...male rights activist

populated by misogynists, a "movement" many of whom have been finally dumped by women who finally saw the light

yup...those of the "women are abusers too" mindset

lovely blokes...not

spoonyfucker Sun 25-Nov-12 01:53:58

AnyFucker - I generally like straight talking, especially if it pricks the fragile male ego - it's good for us - but this thread was polarised very early on, due to comments like
"Men who make pronouncements like this think that once they are married the woman is there to service them sexually".
These kind of generalisations are emotive and harmful and will tend to shut down reasoned debate.
The reason I first took an interest in this thread, before it got derailed, is that in my own marriage, about 4 years ago, we were where the OP is now. Similar ages ourselves, lots of kids of similar ages, same sort of frequency of sex, same tension. I “had a bee in my bonnet” about it.
Now, we are having more sex, probably 3 times a week average, and better sex, with a greater sense of genuine “connection”. But…… if I hadn't pushed for it, it wouldn't have happened. You’ve probably already decided that I fit right into your easy stereotype at this point, right ?
But… I didn’t demand more sex as “my right”, pretty much the opposite, what I saw was that my wife was so dedicated to meeting the demands of her family, that she felt it would be too “selfish” to give sex a higher priority for herself. If I had thought the answer was just to help more with housework, that wouldn’t have fixed it. Yes, it’s important to share the load fairly, but there’s always more bl**dy housework to do when you’ve got 4 kids, so accepting her set of priorities would just have meant both of us always having something else left to do before heading up the stairs.
So when I said “I don’t think we’re having enough sex” I was not saying “I don’t think you’re giving me enough use of your body, which I thought I’d bought the keys to”, I was saying “I want us to give sex a higher priority because it would be good for our marriage, to spend more time just focussed on the two of us, with the rest of the world shut out for just an hour or so, to appreciate each other, to rekindle the generosity towards each other that was bursting out of us when we first met, to physically and emotionally lose ourselves in each other and so strengthen the bond between us that allows us to cope with all the stresses and demands that raising a young family means.”
Maybe the OP’s husband is just selfish, but maybe he is genuinely interested in the role of sex in keeping their marriage strong. We don’t know. But it is definitely legitimate for one partner to say to the other “I don’t think we’re having enough sex, and I want us to talk about it”, and it will not help the OP if all she hears from real, or virtual friends, is basically “he’s a selfish bastard”.
It is fundamental that every woman has the right to determine whether or not to have sex with her husband, but it’s not much of an answer to more nuanced questions around mismatched drives. Talk of “rights” gets us nowhere in such cases. It is possible for a loving husband to ask “how can I and my wife have the strongest, richest, most durable marriage possible” and for one answer to be “we should have more sex”.
For anyone struggling with mismatched sex drives and misunderstanding of each other’s sexual motivations, I can recommend the work of Dr David Schnarch. Intimacy and Desire is a good starting point.

cronullansw Sun 25-Nov-12 06:00:32

Well, what a to do.

I honestly do not get this - agree or we will ban you - mentality, or, as it appears in this case, agree with AF or you will get banned.

And dear AF, as for calling me out for more, I was living a life, in the real world, not waiting bare minutes between posts checking to see if there had been a reply. And I'd say this is neither name calling or trolling.

cronullansw Sun 25-Nov-12 06:07:35

Pardon me for forgetting to add to my last post...

I am neither a mens nor a womens rights activist. I believe that we have equal rights and that gender is a non issue, in the same way that Morgan Freeman when asked about being a black actor, replied that he was an actor and there was no need to bring race into the equation.

Equality. No bias.

GrannyRat Sun 25-Nov-12 09:10:03

Wow what a depressing thread. I honestly took Sllloooomee at face value <naive>

I see that no one from MN has been on to the thread to confirm that the poster wasn't genuine and the majority of his/her posts remain so I'm still a little confused. I note that AF stated above that the poster is now banned and wonder how you know this? I'm just curious as you often invest a lot emotionally in the threads in Relationships and want to know for sure that it was a wind up.

I'm not sure the OP will be back.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 25-Nov-12 09:16:06

Spoonfucker, I agree. The assumptions and agression displayed at the beginning of the post did shut down reasonable debate.
A couple should be able to discuss their sex life, indeed anyone should be able to come onto a forum and ask for other people's opinions without there being an assumption that he is using her to service him or that the relationship is rotten.
We never answered the OPs question either, what is the norm? I'd say, it's personal to the couple. Once a week would seem a lot to some and not much to others.
I'd be content with once a week but I'd like it more grin

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 25-Nov-12 09:54:07

Spoonyfucker, not Spoonfucker!

ashesgirl Sun 25-Nov-12 09:56:27

I reported the posts and then had a msg back from HQ to say Slllooomee has been banned. No more info than that, I'm afraid.

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