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Help! partner/ex seems to be in denial that we are splitting, feel like i'm going mad!

(19 Posts)
junipergin Fri 23-Nov-12 14:36:16

Please help. For sometime things have really not been right between my partner and myself, he has anger issues, alot of problems, he has been through a bit but i've posted on here before and some of you have said it sounds like he is abusive. I cannot get through to him and i don't think i am what he wants in a partner, we have 'broken up' a few times but he has never moved out and after a while things just go 'back to normal', whatever that is and he starts getting frustrated, asking for sex etc. Well things came to a head the other day, i said things aren't improving, its not fair on the dc's and i want us to split. He agreed but said we will remain friends for now and he will move out after xmas. This time however i wanted some support from others in rl so i changed my status on fb, when he found out he went mad, saying i was 'airing out dirty linen in public' etc etc. he has always said he will 'tell people what i'm like'.

He said we should have kept it quiet until we both agreed but i wanted some support from friends and family who, as i expected can see why and agree with me. I didnt do it to 'slag him off' or undermine him. Now he has had a few phonecalls from people ive heard him saying 'don't believe everything you read on fb', apparently one friend said well why did i do it then and he said it was someone messing around! Now, i can understand him not wanting to talk about it but now he is making me out to be a liar. He asked me to remove the status but i didnt, i just changed it so only close friends could see. I'm so pissed off he's being like this, i feel its quite controlling... i don't want things to get nasty but i fear i may have a hard job getting rid of him and he is trying to change my mind. I've been through this so many times before there's no point.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 23-Nov-12 14:48:31

You have to get him out somehow. It's just a different kind of abuse/controlling behaviour really... sticking around even though you've said it'sover, trying to turn the problem back on you, not taking you seriously etc. I'd suggest you talk to Womens Aid as I'm sure they've encountered this before and would be able to give you some advice. You will not avoid things getting nasty if he's a nasty person but there are things you can do to ensure you stay safe. Good luck

izzyizin Fri 23-Nov-12 16:33:01

In saying he'll move out after Christmas, he's effectively saying he isn't going anywhere at any time.

Are you renting or buying and is the property you are living in held in joint names?

HecatePropylaea Fri 23-Nov-12 16:37:30

Until you are no longer under the same roof, this is not going to stop.

If he won't leave and the house is in joint names, then perhaps you will have to leave. I know it is far from ideal but you have to get yourself and the children out of this situation.

It is controlling and if he isn't accepting this, you have to consider what he is going to be like the closer it gets to christmas.

The main thing is - are you safe? If so, then you can take your time. If there is any doubt, then act soon.

olgaga Fri 23-Nov-12 19:35:42

What is your housing situation? Agree with what others have said - as long as you're safe. But you and the children may have to leave. What kind of incidents are you dealing with?

junipergin Sat 24-Nov-12 20:52:08

I don't think i am in any danger as such, it is just unpleasant. The way he can be abusive is smashing up things (not just a one off, has happened countless times), emotional abuse, expecting me to be responsible for his feelings after bad things have happened to him eg bereavements, saying i am not supportive, self centred and selfish, when all i do is the majority of the home and childcare, of course, he denies this.

As far as the house goes it is privately rented but from one of my family so there is no way he'll stay here on his own.. i'm not sure i could afford to keep it on though if he moves out as he will have to claim for one of the dc's (we have 2) so that the tax credits are split, he has recently lost his job, so can't really afford any decent accomodation on his own.

He is now trying to make me feel guilty and say it's all my fault by kicking him when he's down after having admittedly a terrible year. I've told him i've tried but it's not doing me any good, i self-harmed on one occasion and have been drinking too much, i need to do this for the sake of the dc's, although he is making me feel bad about that, saying i am 'splitting up the family' and creating a broken home :/

StuntGirl Sat 24-Nov-12 20:57:38

It is not your fault and he is still trying to make you responsible for his emotions.

You say you are not in any danger and in the next breath say he smashes things up...I think you very well could be in danger.

Whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

DameFanny Sat 24-Nov-12 21:02:46

You don't have to split the kids so he can get tax credits - why can he not look after himself, and you look after the kids?

zipzap Sat 24-Nov-12 21:02:51

Does he still have that he is in a relationship with you on his fb? You could try turning it around on him and saying that he is the one that is being unfair by not changing his status. You are finished as a relationship, you are now 'just friends' and you do not want to go back into a relationship.

His attitude to this shows that he thinks that you are just playing at breaking up again and will soon be back in a relationship under his thumb and under his control again. Of course he doesn't like it - he is trying to control you and keep you, he doesn't want to move out, have to pay all his own rent etc.

if he says he will tell people what you are like - well fine, two can play at that game and what you have to say about him is going to be a lot worse than anything he can come up with about you. And anyway - bet that lots of your behaviour is as a result of his actions in being so controlling.

By showing your status to close friends only (does your ex count as a close friend on fb still?) you are capitulating to his control by changing it so others can't see it. if you want to escape from him, then this is your first public stand - don't let him take it away from you!

Good luck - stay strong and take advice from people like womens aid so that you can get him out of there as quickly as you can whilst keeping yourself and your dc as safe as possible...

olgaga Sat 24-Nov-12 21:05:07

I think you should talk to Women's Aid.

Sorry but that whole business of "splitting" the tax credits is bullshit. You will have the main care of your children - so don't even think about it. Stop feeling sorry for him. He's a big boy. Let him find his own place to smash up.

If I were you I'd be talking to the police about domestic abuse, because that's what is happening here. It's no way for you and your children to live.

The police non-emergency number is 101.

Women's Aid helpline is 0808 2000 247.

You can check your benefits entitlement here:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/

Or here:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/benefits-check

Check your maintenance entitlement here:
www.cmoptions.org/

Do it. Get a friend or family around if you can't face calling the police, and get shot of him. Let him get on with it. You and your kids are more important than him.

junipergin Sat 24-Nov-12 21:19:50

He's not even on fb, i just had my status as 'in a relationship' and then changed it to 'single'. He knows because we know alot of the same people and people started texting/phoning to offer support or 'be nosy and negative' as he puts its.

Well the reason he wanted to split the tax credits is that he thinks there will be no way he could afford a 2 bed place to have the dc's over to stay on his own, as a single man he would only get a one bed flat which would mean, he couldnt have them to stay. He is a good dad and i wouldnt want to stop the dc's seeing their father.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 21:34:13

Why can't he have them to stay over in a one bed place?

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 21:36:58

The tax credits are for the care of the children not the subsidising of their abusive arse father who might be able to improve his living standards if he was actually taking responsibility for himself.

Little and often contact is best with a nrp after a split so he doesn't even need to have them to stay if he doesn't want to share a bedroom with them (most double bedrooms will take bunk beds and a single bed).

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 21:47:34

I think if he were to claim for one of the children that child would have to be living with him otherwise it would be a fraudulent claim. That situation would be really messed up.

I do hope you can find some way to get him out, please call women's aid and the police if he smashes things again. Don't listen to his whining and his making you responsible for his welfare. He hasn't got anything to blame you for.

olgaga Sat 24-Nov-12 23:19:52

Offred is right. Forget about splitting benefits with him - you'll need all the money you can claim when he's gone.

"He's a good dad"? Yeah right. Come on, get real. This is not a man your children need in their lives if he's smashing up the place like a bloody teenager.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 24-Nov-12 23:38:53

He doesn't have to agree for you to split up, you know. You can unilaterally tell him it's over and it IS over. If you aren't married there isn't even much in the way of paperwork. And you can put what you bloody well like on your own FB for the world to see if you want to. (FB may be evil, but in this case it has its uses.) The only problem is the practical one of how to get the bugger out of the house.

Child tax credits are for the person the children live with, to cover the costs of raising them. If the non-resident parent has hardly any money the amount of maintenance he should be paying you (ha, did you forget about that? Did he?) will be reduced; it is also reduced if he has them for occasional overnight stays, as I understand it. But the only way he gets them actual credits is if he takes one of the children to live with him. I'm guessing that's not on the cards.

Narked Sat 24-Nov-12 23:46:02

I think you need to talk this through with some RL friends.

cestlavielife Sun 25-Nov-12 00:12:43

He won't move. What changes after Christmas? Nothing.

Next time he smashes something call the police and get it recorded.

Seriously.

It is not a good father to smash things up .

And it just needs you or dc to get in the way accidentally for it to cause injury.

Tell your family member you rent from. Maybe they can agree less rent or have another smaller property you could move into? IS it all above board And with rent agreement etc? Or informal ? Are you both in the agreement ? When does it run out ?

Kundry Sun 25-Nov-12 11:11:14

He is not a good dad. You have already said that you do the vast majority of the child and home care - good dads do 50:50.

Good dads also do not emotionally abuse the mother of their children or go about smashing up the property - there is no way your children haven't noticed this.

Sorry but he is a shit dad. And if he wanted to be able to live in a decent flat he could have tried being nice to you so you wanted to stay in a relationship with him, rather than behaving like an arse and then proposing to steal your children's money (which is what he is doing with his bullshit tax credit plan) to make up his financial short fall.

Get yourself to Womans Aid. You can't wait for Christmas for him to go and don't let him take your or your kids money either. And yy, get maintenance from him as well.

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