Well I got my wish!

[Ormiriathomimus]

A few months ago I posted on here that I wanted a chance to see H's ow. Not to talk to her, just to restore her to normality in my head. Not seen her since a month before I found out about the affair when she came to H's birthday party.

Well last night I got my wish We were at school seeing DS1 off on his trip to the States. I was already a bit wobbly as I am quite scared of flying myself and he is still my baby (even though he's a strapping lump of a 15yr old!). And she walked past us while we were waiting. H didn't notice her and she didn't look directly at either of us but I know she has seen us by the expression on her face. It felt like a physical jolt - as if someone had hit me hard in the chest. Very very odd.

Positives - I feel that now it's done I don't need to be scared of her anymore.
Negatives - she looked so ordinary and a bit sad and I feel sorry for her. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't want to feel anything about her again...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sounds like you won't be thrown together too often so it shouldn't be an issue. How long ago was it when you found out about them? If it's still relatively recent & raw how about asking your ex if she can wait in the car when you go to collect DS on his return?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Wrong situation, Cogito. H gave up the OW and is recommitted to Orm, thus he is not an ex-H, she is an ex-OW. How very gratifying that he didn't even notice her.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Didn't realise sorry. However, this is your life now OP. You'll be seeing the OW - or someone who looks very like her - all over the place from now on. The physical jolt will return when you talk to someone with the same name or something else equally random. Feelings really don't switch off that easily.

[Ormiriathomimus]

Her name is one I particularly dislike as it happens and yes, when I meet someone else with the same name I do react a little. Time will have to do it's thing I guess.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Time doesn't always work, I'm afraid. I'm 17 years on from my exH's departure with his OW, I've never spoken to him or seen him since, and I still get that terrible stab of hurt from time to time, quite without warning, often triggered by something very trivial ... I don't expect it'll ever entirely fade. If we still lived together I can imagine it would be a perpetual reminder and cause of much resentment.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

That's a milestone Orm, a difficult one too. So she still works at the school, and does your H still work there too?

Tis hard when the babies go away on trips isn't it? Mine are 22 and 18 and bot away from home, and I miss them

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

both

[WhoNickedMyName]

Well I guess feeling sorry for her is better than hating her, though complete indifference is the ultimate goal.

From what I remember of your story I felt quite sorry for her too actually, she was as much a victim of your husband as you are.

Now you've got the first time out of the way, hopefully it will only get easier.

[Frontpaw]

It's done now. She is in the past, so please don't put yourself out to avoid her. Good for you for not taking a swing or hurling your handbag in her direction.

[izzyizin]

She never was the glamorous femme fatale of your worst fears Orm. She was far more dangerous - the much younger ordinary woman who inspired him to re-live his youth become her protector, her saviour, and her devoted lover.

For the best part of a year he lived the dream with her and through her. As it happens, that was all they had together because reality burst the bubble and bought him crashing down to earth.

It's a great shame that you didn't stay with your original post as you'd be able to see just how far you've come, although there is still one part of his affair you need to get grips with and that's the fact that he had sex with her at every possible opportunity - including in those toilets of gossip fame.

And don't fool yourself that he didn't notice her last night, honey. He's had a few months' practice at blanking her around the school they both continue to work in.

Her impact on your marriage has been considerable and it will take a very long time, if ever, before you feel nothing for her. I suggest you cultivate feelings of mild irritation towards her - regard her as a pesky fly because feeling sorry for her is what led him down the primrose path and she's far from being a charity case

[Ormiriathomimus]

"be able to see just how far you've come"

I know how far I've come.

[magentastardust]

I don't know your background story Orm but just wanted to say I feel for you . Izzy-not sure your post is particularly helpful to OP?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think Izzy's post is very helpful actually. Plenty of people stick with or go back to the errant partner for the wrong reasons such as misguided loyalties or because they're trying to prove something. Plenty can rationalise that they've got past the hurt and intellectualise the therapy process when they are actually still suppressing the reality of their feelings. It suspect the 'physical jolt' described is that suppressed reality showing itself to be as fresh and visceral as ever... Hence why it came such a shock. Not that I don't wish the OP luck but just hope all this isn't being achieved at too great a cost to herself.

[izzyizin]

I suggest you read Orm's various threads of the past few months, magenta

From believing the line he'd fed his head teacher to the effect that he was the subject of unwarranted gossip on the part of his colleagues, Orm has made the journey through bitter realisation that he'd lied through his teeth, uncertainty as to whether he'd choose the ow over her, a desire to put the ow in her place by publicly reaffirming their marriage vows, the highs of hysterical bonding followed by the inevitable lows of despair at such a hollow victory, and an eventual healthy reappraisal of her relationship with her dh and with herself.

I'm perhaps more cynical realistic than some but throughout I've been of the opinion that Orm and her h stand more chance than most of moving forward towards a stronger marriage than they would otherwise have had without his midlife crisis the test of the ow.

However, unless I've missed something, despite gossip about his/the ow's actvities in a restaurant loo, Orm's h has continued to deny that he had sexual relations with the ow and my concern is that Orm is able to find it in herself to accept that he's lying about this in order for her to regain her full equilibrium

As to why he's lying, I suspect that this has something to to with his ginormous ego misplaced male pride. His lies have caused him to box himself in and I suspect that he has some fear that if he tells the truth about his sordid little fumblings with the ow behind the bike sheds, Orm may take it as licence for her to indulge in a bit of action with an om if opportunity arises.

[Ormiriathomimus]

"I'm perhaps more cynical realistic than some but throughout I've been of the opinion that Orm and her h stand more chance than most of moving forward towards a stronger marriage than they would otherwise have had without his midlife crisis the test of the ow. "

Quite agree with this bit. In fact I'm of the opinion that our marriage was heading for some quicksand. Neither of us knowing what to do to fix things. And OW has very kindly provided some unwonted MC for us. Pretty fucking drastic MC mind you.....

izzy - I now know and acccept they had sex. At least once. However most of the gossip re venues and frequence was just that - gossip, overblown and inaccurate. But as i said right at the beginning it makes no a jot of difference to me. The emotional infidelity was the issue for me - he was giving her what he wasn't giving me at a time when I desperately needed it. And what I needed wasn't a good shag!

" It suspect the 'physical jolt' described is that suppressed reality showing itself to be as fresh and visceral as ever... " I agree it's still fresh and visceral but not 'as ever'. As you may remember I was a complete wreck at the beginning. Emotionally and physically. I am a different woman now. One of my friends commented recently that it's like a light coming on - I have realised that I don't 'need' H, I love him and want to stay with him but the sky won't fall in if our marriage ends. And that is a big change.

magenta - thankyou my lovely, but izzy is a sweetheart really I did get uppity with her after a while in my first thread because she was being a bit too direct for my then condition. But she was right about most of it and offered me much good sound advice.