Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New 'boyfriend' is married and has two children WWYD?

(123 Posts)
MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 09:26:38


I broke up nearly two months ago with my fiancée (He hid the fact that he was 280k in debt etc.) and although I thought it wouldnt happen so quickly I met somebody new a few weeks ago. Everything is great, however he never wants to meet me at the weekend as he says he is busy. But he told me yesterday that he is married with two children but they are separated and only live together for the children's sake. Just to explain: he has a flat in Central London and I assumed it was his 'bachelor' pad but at the weekend he lives with his family in Surrey.

I really like this guy but I am not sure if I should believe him. I wonder if I should ask him if I can speak to his wife. I feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. If I was his wife I surely wouldn't want to spend the weekends with him while during the week he sleeps is with his new girlfriend.


Sorry for spelling but quickly tipping from iPad.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Sun 25-Nov-12 12:00:31

Maybe he said he was working aborad for two years with his own company?

Have you asked his wife - your son's stepmother what he told her?

Viviennemary Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:48

Can't believe that anybody would think just paying towards maintenance makes somebody a great Dad. If you think that you simply have no idea of the meaning of the word Dad.

ToffeeCaramel Sun 25-Nov-12 10:58:29

Seeing a child every fortnight and paying what the court makes him pay doesn't make someone a great dad.

rosiesmartypants Sun 25-Nov-12 02:47:37

Sounds like a big, fat liar to me....wants to have his cake and eat it, and what a fabulous way to manage that having 2 properties on the go, to keep his 2 seperate lives apart.... fast OP, and find someone that deserves you!

LittleMissStroppy Sun 25-Nov-12 02:40:10

Last 2 posters^

This isnt my thread. I started a thread but didnt get any response so I wont elaborate on my issue here. But FWIW, I meant great Dad in terms of providing for his son financially even if it is now court imposed, and seeing him everyforthnight. AND 2006 - 2008, we were together 24-7 in an apartment in London, as a couple. He admitted upfront he was NOT divorced, but seperated and I believed him. IF he was indeed married for all those periods, then he was/is just a master decietful head fucker and I was extremely gullible. Tiny question, what wife would allow her DH to go awol for 2 years? 48 whole months? That's what I keep asking myself.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 24-Nov-12 23:11:05

LittleMiss - I'm sorry but you are delusional. He cannot possibly be a great Dad when he setting such a dreadful example of deceit and utterly selfish behaviour - and look how he reacted to being found out.
He didn't 'mention' you to his wife, because they were not separated. He lied to you, because you were just his mistress, his extra, and not to be respected.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:23

"he was - still is- a great Dad to our son".
"He slashed our maintenance / child support, told her he wasnt supporting us and I had to involve solicitors"


Viviennemary Sat 24-Nov-12 20:32:48

Good heavens. I can't believe men are still spinning those tales and women are still believing them. In this day and age. Sorry to be harsh but really!!!

StuntGirl Sat 24-Nov-12 20:21:12

Good god woman what is wrong with you?

"the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit"

It should be making you run screaming for the hills because you have morals and self esteem...oh wait.

Run OP. Run.

MrsjREwing Sat 24-Nov-12 19:54:16

He had selfserving friends, fancy socialising with the wife and mistress of your mate and thinking it was ok shock

LittleMissStroppy Sat 24-Nov-12 19:31:30


We shouldnt hijack this thread but quick response - he was happy, happier than me infact and convinced me to give up work saying he would take care of both of the baby and I. He was at the birth...I had a CS and he was there all the way through. We were practically living together and he was - still is- a great Dad to our son. We broke up because he wouldnt commit and I wanted "normalcy" for my son. The wife/ex/whatever found out via Facebook - apparently I had "liked" his company page - she checked out my profile and saw pics of my son with his Dad...and all hell broke loose. How did he react? He slashed our maintenance / child support, told her he wasnt supporting us and I had to involve solicitors.

Did I close my eyes to certain things? I dont think I did. I believed him when he said he was seperated, had been for 5 years, didnt want a divorce because he couldnt afford to pay his wife half the company's worth bla bla bla. I'd been to his house in the country for weekends and there was no sign of a woman and he stayed with us in London for long stretches - only travelling to check up on the factory. I'd met all his friends and their spouses - no one mentioned the wife as ex or current.

I'd give anything to find out why he didnt tell his wife/ex about me or our son.

Apologies for hijacking this thread.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Nov-12 16:02:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alittlestranger Sat 24-Nov-12 15:46:20

Pull yourself together, seriously. Stop comparing yourself to your friends, you do realise don't you that most of these apparently happy couples will not last the distance? People rarely settle down in their early 20s now thank god.

You've -accidentally-- become a mistress. And just a few weeks after breaking up with your fiancee. If your friends were actually supportive they'd ditch the Rosie Lee crap and point out what everyone on this thread is saying.

ladymariner Sat 24-Nov-12 15:28:52

What a load of crap.....he's got a flat, he doesn't need to live with his wife. And how convenient that its at the weekend when, presumably, he isn't at and don't look back op!

Abitwobblynow Sat 24-Nov-12 11:37:53

Little Miss Stroppy - I'm intreagued! How did he react when you said you were pregnant? Was he thrilled? Was he there at the birth? Was he living with you as a partner? What is/was he like as a father?

How did the wife find out? How did he react when his wife found out?

I mean, how did he managed the two lives? Was he a very clever liar? Or did you close your eyes to certain things?

SundaysGirl Fri 23-Nov-12 23:11:36

Oh for gods sake. You are TWO months out of a relationship with someone you planned to MARRY.

Thats barely enough time to get your head around that, let alone start something new.

Stop getting all your validation out of being with someone, you'll only end up with dickheads (because, erm, non dicks tend to like people with a healthy sense of self-worth) like this married twat and feel even worse about yourself.

Also it's really pathetic.

Go to counselling if you feel you need a man to feel good about yourself.

Bloody hell.

WildWorld2004 Fri 23-Nov-12 22:25:19

The only thing i can say is at least you found out about his wife (not ex wife) and children a few weeks into it rather than years down the line when you are pregnant with his child & wondering why you cant have family time at the weekends.

LittleMissStroppy Fri 23-Nov-12 22:00:36

...Decree Absolute, I meant.....

DorsetKnob Fri 23-Nov-12 21:54:41

You should be getting very fit with all this running you are doing.

LittleMissStroppy Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:37


I was in your position years ago. Met a man, told me he was seperated from his wife but not divorced because it didnt make "business sense". He said if they got divorced, she would want 20mill and he would have to sell his business to afford to pay her that. He didnt want to lose the business because he built it up from when he was 19 years old. We even lived together for a year in London while I did my masters....head fuck or what???? Early this year, his supposedly seperated wife found out we have a 3 yo son and went ballistic, filed for divorce and I'm stuck in a shitty court case now.

Think.....if they were really seperated....why would she go ballistic and file for divorce just because she discovered we have a child?

Unless he is DIVORCED, has a DECREE NISI or whatever - tread with caution.

Good Luck.

RabidCarrot Fri 23-Nov-12 16:54:07


AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 16:45:14

Do you want to be a step mum at 22? How much older are you than his children?

You are nieve - grow up and fast.

bringbacksideburns Fri 23-Nov-12 16:43:57

I hate to be defined by having a man in my life. I love independence. I have never understood Velcro couples, and i do have a good friend like that. I remember being frustrated that being in a couple seemed to just stop her from still being her, on her own. If i was constantly with someone all the time it would send me mad, i like breathing space. Hopefully you can sort out nights out with your friends and they can spend time with you, days out etc

Enjoy your freedom now. Take up new interests and meet new people. Do not go rushing headlong into another disaster. He is with his wife and family at the weekends, make no mistake. And she probably knows nothing about you.

homeofhelp Fri 23-Nov-12 16:37:53

he has a flat which he uses but at the weekend he is in surrey? they are together for the sake of the children? it doesn't make scenes to me i would run a mile to be honest. also staying together for the children is not healthy at all. but i think they are still together and he uses his flat for other woman so he isn't lonely in the week then at the weekend goes to his family who think he is perfect and probably tells his wife how much he has missed her and loves her and takes her presents.

you will probably not be able to talk to the wife. "oh you don't want to do that." "she is busy tonight." "she doesn't answer her phone after a certain time." "lets go out or do something else" you get the idea. why would they be together for the sake of the children when he has a flat? maybe his wife doesn't know about the flat.

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 16:34:35

Incidentally, if all your mates are also in their early 20s and all think that because they've got a boyfriend now their relationship life is now sorted forever, I've got news for them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now