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I am so confused! What do I do now? (Very long, sorry!)

(48 Posts)
BumsyClugger Fri 23-Nov-12 01:44:59

On Sunday night DP told me he was going to the pub. He didn't leave til 9, and before he left he was trying to do something on his phone and I offered to help. He went all weird and basically snatched the phone away from me and shoved it in his pocket. Then he left.

After about an hour of me getting more and more suspicious, I logged into his Facebook (he had previously told me his password) and found messages to a woman where he had said he was going to her house and that he had "just left" an hour before. I called him. No answer. I left him a message saying what I had seen and that he better answer his phone. Left it ten minutes. Called him again. No answer. Left him a shouty message. Then text him telling him to answer the phone. Called back. Finally he answered.

I told him I knew he was at some womans house, and he denied it, saying he had just left the pub, and kept denying it, even after I said I'd seen the messages and he said he was going to go there but had decided not to and had been walking around for an hour. I didn't believe him so I got off the phone and went on his Facebook and sent a message to the girl asking if "I" could go back. Straightaway got a message saying "Of course you don't need to ask xx"

I called him again and he said he was on his way home. In a fit of rage I pulled all of his clothes out ready to pack up, then decided to read back through all the messages

There were constant messages from Friday to Sunday (the fucking idiot had told her he couldn't text so I wouldn't see the texts hmm ). He had told her that we were on a break, that he didn't love me and he was living back at his mums. She had said that when she saw him a couple of weeks before (with me!) that she realised how much she still fancied him (they were together four years ago, as i found out later). Then they had arranged for him to go round after her kids were in bed on Saturday, but he cancelled as he was out getting drunk (he was sitting next to me watching tv when he sent those messages). There were messages in there from him saying that "I'm a man with needs. If i want sex, I'll go out and get it" and a couple of flirty messages.

Then she asked why he wanted to meet up with her and he said "to catch up". Her response was "that's partly why i want to see you, and because you're still sexy, and I'm a sucker for your eyes. The fact that I'm horny has absolutely nothing to do with it lol ;-)"

when he got in we had a blazing row where he admitted going round there (obviously) but that it wasn't for sex, they had a cup of tea and talked but that he had already left before i started calling him. He wouldn't let me pack up his stuff and was pleading to stay so he ended up sleeping on the sofa.

The next day my mum took DD out so that we could talk, and we just ended up arguing again as i still didn't believe anything he had said. We had already planned to go out on Monday night, so I agreed to go. Before we left he admitted that the OW had called his phone twice and text him saying she had been waiting around all day for him to call. I got her number and text her telling her that everything he had said was lies, we were still together when he was messaging her. I told her I didn't blame her as she thought he was free. She swore that nothing had happened because he wasn't interested. But did let slip that he was still there when i had called him and had no intention of leaving until that point.

I have no reason to not believe what she said, as she said she had no reason to defend him, he lied to her too.

Tuesday I go snooping again and find a message to a girl a month ago saying that he wished he had ended up with her. And a comment under the same girls picture "Stunning as usual xxx". I know that sounds like nothing, but i think he has told me once in the 2 and a half years we've been together that I so much as looked nice, never mind stunning.

He says he was confused and felt pushed away, and that he doesn't know why he told the first woman that we were on a break (I can only think of one reason a man would do that). He has said sorry, and that he doesn't want to lose me or the baby and that he does love me. He said he carried on lying after I'd caught him because he panicked.

I am sure he hasn't met up with anyone before now as he is a fucking terrible liar and it does seem out of character, but it's fucking ridiculous.

His mum has told him "you're only human, we all make mistakes, move on from it" so now he thinks he's got away with it. Because mummy's word is law.

I, however, think that amount of lies is a fucking monumental mistake.

He's said he will change, and be more affectionate and loving as he hasn't been. And he knows all trust has gone out the window.

I thought I was getting on OK, though the changes don't appear to have started yet. But then tonight, I'm in bed and he's snoring next to me, and everything is whirring around in my mind, and I want to cry, and punch him, and throw him out, and I want a cuddle... Oh I don't know what to do!

I still think that there is something he's not telling me, but I'm not sure what.

He isn't DD's bio dad, but he has been there since i found out I was pregnant (bio dad doesn't want to know, but that's another thread). I don't want DD to have no dad.

Will I feel like this forever if I stay with him? Can I get past it? I have been hurt by every partner I have been with, all bar one cheated, and the bar-one one abused me quite badly. Am I over reacting? Is he sorry? Can he change just that tiny bit? Can our relationship get better?

Please help! I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Sorry about the length blush TIA.

Dryjuice25 Fri 23-Nov-12 01:55:59

He is a lying twat. I'd rather be single than have that for a partner. Tell him to leave. He is untrustworthy.Good luck

caramelwaffle Fri 23-Nov-12 02:02:36

He is a liar and the sooner you split with him the sooner you can get on with having a wonderful happy life.

Good luck with everything.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 23-Nov-12 02:04:09

I am so sorry that he has turned out to be such an utter shit. I'm really sorry, but he wont change - if you stay with him, this is exactly what your life will be like sad

Of course you don't want your DD to be without a Dad, that's normal, but this shit bag is a poor excuse of a man and will let you all down time and time again. The longer you let him be in her life, the more it will hurt when you do finally kick him out. Do it now, save you and her a lot of hurt down the line.

I know it's hard, I know it hurts, I know you don't want to have to leave & that you just want him to change... but he wont, really he wont.

karatekimmi Fri 23-Nov-12 02:12:52

Is that the way you want your DD to think its acceptable to treat your OH? Will you ever be able to trust him again? I know it would take a very lot, and a massive effort on his part. It doesn't sound like he's trying very hard yet.
FWIW I would rather be alone than with someone who treated me like that. It won't be easy, but then I don't think staying with him will be!

izzyizin Fri 23-Nov-12 02:29:23

It seems he's been actively seeking ow to move in/on with for some time and it's probable that what he's not telling you is that the 2 ow you've discovered are the tip of the iceberg.

As it's a just a matter of time before he dumps you, you're best advised to go with your original plan, pack his stuff up, and tell him to fuck off back to his ever loving and understanding mummy.

He's not your dd's df and he's not fit to be a suitable role model for her. Before you rush into another unsatisfactory relationship, spend time working on your self-esteem and tweak your twat radar before you embark on the dating game.

Pochemuchka Fri 23-Nov-12 03:46:54

He sounds like a total idiot.

He's lied, lied again and lied some more.
He seems to be looking to line up a replacement for you and is being completely indiscriminate about who he chooses - spinning the same old rubbish with several women.

You're not going to be able to trust him - not because he cheated but because he told you barefaced lies about it and from what you said about him only complimenting you once in 2 1/2 years, it doesn't sound like he's a particularly nice partner in other ways.

Please stick to you original plan, boot him out and let your DD grow up knowing her mum is a strong woman who will only settle for being treated well as it's what she deserves.

As an aside, his mum sounds like an idiot too.

FellatioNelson Fri 23-Nov-12 04:07:40

Well frankly, if he isn't even your child's father then there is only one answer as far as I am concerned.

You've not been with him very long. If he can't control his urge to screw around now then you have absolutely NO hope for a long future together whatsoever. Get him out before he strips you of every shred of self-confidence you ever had.

I could understand if he was your child's dad but he isn't, and the longer you leave it the more she will think of him as such and it will be tougher it will be on everyone.

allgoodindahood Fri 23-Nov-12 05:11:15

I'm sorry to say that this can only get worse. He is a liar, the lies will continue. He will destroy your self esteem. It will get harder to leave once your daughgter grows more attached to him. I've been where you are now, but with a baby plus one on the way. I got rid of exdh immediately even though I was scared of them growing up without a dad. But their stepdad, my new dh, loves them to bits. There is hope and a better life out there for you. But first spend some time alone, just you and dd. Get support from family and friends. Get strong so that next time you choose a dp he will be a man who will cherish and appreciate you both.

Hyperballad Fri 23-Nov-12 05:57:04

If it was me in your shoes, I would not be able to get past this. I would prefer to be single.

If you do give it another go I think an idiot like this would just see a green light to do this again.

Sorry for your situation, but you will be far better off without.

AThingInYourLife Fri 23-Nov-12 07:25:41

He is a ly

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 23-Nov-12 07:26:54

Honestly, you would be better off on your own than share your life with yet another low life for a partner.

Re your comment:-
"He isn't DD's bio dad, but he has been there since i found out I was pregnant (bio dad doesn't want to know, but that's another thread). I don't want DD to have no dad".

Did you yourself have no Dad when you were growing up?. You do not have to answer that by the way but it seems that you want to give her something you perhaps yourself did not have. This is all vewry well and good but truly your DD needs decent male role models to observe and learn from. Your current partner fails miserably on all counts. Also no trust = no relationship

""Will I feel like this forever if I stay with him? Can I get past it? I have been hurt by every partner I have been with, all bar one cheated, and the bar-one one abused me quite badly"

Why stay with such a man, do you not at heart think you deserve better?.
Why should you have any need to get past such bad behaviour on his part, putting up with this now just gives him carte blanche to continue and he will be far more careful next time. He is showing you no real remorse whatsoever and words are cheap. Your instincts re him not fully disclosing either are probably right.

With regards to your own self, I think you need to start loving your own self for a change and raise your own relationship bar. I would also suggest you have some counselling to also determine exactly why you have chosen men so poorly. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, that is a question you need to ask yourself. Also a series of poor relationships puts your own self esteem and worth on the floor so you become a magnet for abusers and lowlifes.The cycle continues.

I would suggest too that you enrol on the Womens Aid Freedom Programme for a start and work on unlearning all the damaging stuff you have previously learnt about relationships. What you have tried to date has not worked, time for a new course of action now for your DDs sake as well as your own. You do not want to keep repeating the same old relationship patterns and errors; you need to look properly at you and why you are choosing men who turn out to be either abusive or cheat on you.

Read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

AThingInYourLife Fri 23-Nov-12 07:27:19

He is a lying liar. His lies are so many and so obvious it's clear he has no respect for you.

Just b

AThingInYourLife Fri 23-Nov-12 07:27:55

Just bin him. He is a waste of your life.

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 07:34:36

Wow. I'm afraid you have all the evidence you need. He's cheated on you or come as close as is the same thing. He's lied to you, he's lied to the OW, he's denied your existence. Even when it's all out it the open he shows no remorse, no, the emotion he feels and shows is anger and he respects his mother's take on things and has no respect for your 'take'. He has cheated on you and lied to you and he doesn't even 'allow' you to feel indignant.

I would rather be single. I am single! grin So I'm not just merrily typing that. I would definitely not want to waste more time or build a future with that guy you describe.

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 07:35:10

*sorry, not denied your existence, but denied the relationship by saying he's living at his mum's.

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 07:42:42

ps, his precious mother will have no respect for you either. she wants this swept under a carpet so that she doesn't end up with her feckless adult son living under her roof again.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 23-Nov-12 07:56:28

This absolutely sucks. Am so sorry xx

Whocansay Fri 23-Nov-12 08:33:35

You can't really want this man as a role model for your DD? He's a liar. He doesn't even appear to be remorseful - only sorry he got caught.

You have no idea how many women he's been contacting / seeing. I would get have an STI check to ensure that he's not passed anything on. I'd also bin him and get him the hell away from my child. Easier said than done I know. I hope you're OK.

Xales Fri 23-Nov-12 08:45:33

He has proved he is a complete and utter liar therefore you cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

He has shown zero remorse. He doesn't care and he isn't sorry.

I suggest liveget to a STI clinic for a full check up.

If you stay with him do so in the knowledge he is a lying cheat and this is how you will live.

marriednotdead Fri 23-Nov-12 09:01:07

I have read and re-read your first post. There is absolutely nothing in there about how great he is, how supportive he's been and how happy he makes you. Because none of those things are true, are they?

All he's done is dick you about and then lie pathetically- with the support of his mum FFS!

So I'm with everyone else. Dump the bastard.

TisILeclerc Fri 23-Nov-12 09:46:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost Fri 23-Nov-12 09:56:20

He's a liar. He would have had sex with her that night if you hadn't called. If he hadn't been found out it would have been ongoing.

I won't go into detail here but my ex started out in a similar way by the end he wasn't even bothering to hide what he was up to.

I would dump him and I know this because I DID!

akaemmafrost Fri 23-Nov-12 09:57:58

As for his Mum, my in laws were like that. "well these things happen, can't break up a family Emma!"

I the end I said "that might be the kind of life you two want but it's not for me".

SweetSeraphim Fri 23-Nov-12 09:58:30

I agree with emma - get rid, OP, I know it's easier said than done, but your life will be so much better, honestly.

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