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Husband lied about daytrip with a woman from work

(96 Posts)
Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 12:36:26

We live abroad and my husband has some foreign travel. He had a trip and asked me if it was ok to go a day early over the weekend as he would have a daytrip with a male colleague out there and a couple of other people. When he got back I asked about the daytrip and could sense he was lying. I checked his Blackberry and saw an email from him to a woman he works with (she is based in the UK but comes to our country reasonably frequently). saying he would meet her in the lobby of the hotel onw the sunday morning for the daytrip.

I was very upset and he obviously straight away admitting lying, didn't have much choice. Said I had made a comment about this woman before (cannot remember if I had, but it would have been nothing that pointed). So he lied for. quiet life.

I have since been checking his Blackberry and his emails to her are friendly but nothing more than that.

He has a subsequent trip abroad and texted to say he had managed to get a day off to sightsee and I was convinced it was with her and was very cold when he got back. I found a receipt in his wallett of a meal one evening for two people. He denied it was with her but then I think changed his story as to the third person who came along and paid seperately.

He has another trip away next week and is back in the UK the week after. This woman will be there next week but there is no reason for him to meet her the following week in the UK.

I feel left with a lot of anger about this. The last 5 yrs have not been easy with two small children, overseas, no support. I have been very lonely at times and depressed.

We have spoken about it and I have told him what I consider acceptable and daytrips or dining with a female colleague alone, who you see on a regular basis is not acceptable.

I think he has forgotten about it and wants to put it behind him. I am the one left with the anger and suspicion.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:46:52

What is has is made me start to get my own life in gear, start to work out what I want, the type of relationship I want.

I do not want to be the bitter, twisted, suspicious wife.

FushiaFernica Thu 22-Nov-12 13:49:00

What is your husband like to live with on a day to day basis, i.e. is he happy, good with you and your children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 13:53:37

As the saying goes.... 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'

If he's been unfaithful before, you can't trust him now and you're checking his e-mails and wallet contents. You've spent five years struggling with depression, loneliness, anger and your self-esteem is already in peices on the floor. Let's consider those small children for a second. Why would you carry on living in such a state of emotional torment, anxiety and self-loathing and expect your two small children not to be negatively affected? Marriages may not be black and white but I know stress-related illness when I see it.

confusedperson Thu 22-Nov-12 14:04:27

I am double-sided on this. If the text was about meeting in the lobby, then surely then probably they didn't spend the night together. If there are no kisses in the texts or emails, then it is a positive sign. I actually believe that he may be only lying for quiet life, but if you continuing looking for "the truth" he may seriously go into affair.

You asked what can you do in the interest of marriage. Stop hassling your DH as much as possible on those short moments at home, but continue to check his emails/texts. So you are the king of the situation. Modify your behavior accordingly. My DH tends to lie for quiet life, but I find out about things by regularly checking his email (I found out his psswd accidently), so I know that they are white lies. However, once after a sexual draught at home, he registered with a dating website. I am glad I caught it on time and made effort to reinvent our intimate life. He never went back there (2 years now). Well men are like children, and I like to be in control.

You are in a good position that you can check his emails and texts. I think the best bet would be to make sure that he is satisfied and happy at home and is looking forward to return from that business trip. If he starts cheating, you will likely to find out and you can change your tactics then.

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 14:07:34

I think the point is that you probably wouldn't be feeling this way if he'd been trustworthy throughout your relationship and didn't lie to you. Your response to this is entirely rational in the circumstances and it's really got nothing to do with your partner having female friends at all.

So you need to tackle the real issues once and for all and resist any attempts by your husband to sweep this under the carpet and forget about it.

If your husband has poor boundaries and lies to you, no amount of policing and monitoring of his activities is going to stop him having a secret affair. It will be a horribly unproductive waste of your time too.

What won't be a waste of your time is to have a proper discussion about trust, boundaries and truth-telling. I'm guessing that didn't happen the last time he was untrustworthy and so it's no huge surprise that this has happened again. You can also get some help with this as a conversation by asking him to read the book that was recommended upthread, which is completely pertinent to this situation.

I would stop thinking that these are 'your issues' and have any great connection to your personal circumstances and self-image. Even if you had the highest self-esteem, it is likely that you would still be feeling aggrieved about a man who's been untrustworthy in the past, proving he's untrustworthy again. That is the normal, healthy, self-protective response to this threat and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

If your husband refuses to discuss this, blames you for 'having' to lie, won't read that book and disengages, make a different decision but don't continue to monitor what he does, because it's pointless, demaining of you and most of all, it doesn't work.

I'd recommend trying the approach I've suggested and if that doesn't work, give yourself permission to leave a relationship with a man who you'll never trust and who has no interest and investment in his relationship with you.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 14:12:54

Men are NOT like children - how patronising.

They are capable of controlling their thoughts and actions.

They are capable of having firm boundaries and having mature and healthy relationships.

As I have said before there is very little you can do to stop him if he is embarking on an affair but you can talk to him about secrets/boundaries etc. I wouldn't bother monitoring his emails/texts unless you really feel he is having an affair - but then he will probably cover his tracks more carefully from now.

I also think you are sensible to do more about investing in your own life.

I would be interested to know how he is at home - is his distant, critical, withdrawing from family life etc? These are all red flags.

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 14:14:26

demeaning not demaining!

Oh and BTW, no surprises here but I disagree with the 'give him more blow-jobs, carry on snooping and men are like children' variety of advice.....

confusedperson Thu 22-Nov-12 14:20:57

MadAboutHotChoc perhaps they are capable but so many chose to be lead by the other part of their body that I started to think perhaps polygamy should be legalised.

confusedperson Thu 22-Nov-12 14:23:09

Charbon and what is the alternative advice? "You deserve to be happy", "make decision and leave" etc? OP asked what she can do in the interest of marriage.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 14:24:53

yes that is a choice immature selfish and entitled people do make - women do have affairs as well as men.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 14:26:41

A marriage can only work if BOTH spouses work at it - if OP's DH is not prepared to grow up, establish boundaries and invest in his marriage, there is very little OP can do about it.

OP can only voice her view and feelings. The rest is up to DH.

Thelifeofpie Thu 22-Nov-12 14:28:42

Could not agree more Charbon.

Make him look forward to coming home? How about he does that for himself? Men are not bloody children, they are quite capable of not telling lies etc. The reason that he lied is because he knew the OP would be upset. So HE made a choice to lie to make it easier for HIM. Not the OP!!!!

It absolutely sickens me to see women give other women advice like this. I despair sometimes i really do!

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 14:31:32

Confused -
Yes that is a choice immature selfish and entitled people make - women do have affairs as well as men.

confusedperson Thu 22-Nov-12 14:33:27

I personally follow this: this
No need to advice on divorce every time when OH lies (this tends to be mumsnetters' credo).

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 14:41:23

Look I don't want to be unkind to a woman whose partner lies to her and goes on dating sites, but no individual can control another's behaviour. Your partner doesn't lie to you or attempt to be unfaithful because of anything you personally do or don't do. He does that because he wants to deceive you and because he wanted to have sex with someone new. The only behaviour you can control is your own - whether that's deciding that living with an unfaithful liar is not something you want to do, or deciding that a life of constant surveillance and man-pleasing in case he looks elsewhere, is a sensible life choice for an adult woman.

AThingInYourLife Thu 22-Nov-12 14:51:49

Pretty much all lies are "for a quiet life".

Only the dishonest or stupid thinks that's any kind of defence.

Not wanting to bear the consequences of your actions is a reason to lie if you are a liar, but it doesn't justify the lie.

"How do you act in the best interests of your marriage?"

You can't when the interests of the two parties to the marriage are not aligned.

Such as when one of them lies to the other.

In that circumstance, you act in your own interests.

HoleyGhost Thu 22-Nov-12 15:52:09

Could you tell us more about the history? As it was nothing physical, he may feel you over reacted.

I suspect the real problem is that you are desperately unhappy. Do you want to move back home? If so, start planning!

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 15:59:15

Normally things are fine at home. It has just been bl8dy hard with two very small children and spending a lot of time on my own. He does help a lot but I think his patience with me saying how hard it can be is wearing thin.

Nothing happened with the mutual work colleague and that was over 10 yrs ago. I do not believe he is having affair but I think he likes this woman in what capacity I do not know.

He bought me a lovely present from the last trip and said he had taken a long time to choose it and I threw it back in his face (metophorically) because it felt tainted, like a guilt thing. But maybe it wasn't. I behaved shamefully.

I like where we live but i feel vulnerable having no income of my own. i also feel incredibly angry that he should enjoy himself with another woman when I am stuck at home with two kids. He does not need to daytrip with her there and he does not need to dine alone with her.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 16:05:37

I also feel angry that I am left with this sh1t whilst he has probably not given it a second thought.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 16:09:42

He said after we spoke following the last trip that people don't go looking outside the marriage if everything is ok at home. things have been hard butare getting better. and he also made reference to if one's circumstances were different. I do not believe that he would try to start something with this woman but who knows. It is the emotional deceit and the lack of trust.

I want the marriage to work and I am going to do my best and my outburst after the last trip was stupid, as was deleting the email yesterday.

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 16:10:52

What do you mean nothing happened? You said that he had been engaging in inappropriate phone calls and messages with a colleague who was led to believe by him that he was single and that your relationship was over. I don't think that's 'nothing'.

And he lied to you about making arrangements to see another woman recently. Then lied again about another encounter and amended his story.

What are you most concerned about? That you're feeling vulnerable and jealous that he can opt out of family life occasionally by having these trips abroad?

Or that you don't trust him not to have secret interactions with other women and lie about them?

Even if you had an income of your own, the chance for breaks away yourself and had high self-esteem, it wouldn't eradicate the second problem you have, would it?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:13:00

You aren't being stupid. It is natural you don't trust him when he has lied before and is doing it again.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 16:13:05

the text messages incident was 10 yrs ago, nothing physical happened.

ArtfulAardvark Thu 22-Nov-12 16:13:18

I worked with people who were often away setting up conferences and it was pretty much standard for them to spend the down time together eating out and socialising.

I have also been the young, single, fun girl in an office full of men whose wives looked at her like I was after their men and believe me nothing was further from the truth.

If he has previously been devious once your relationship was established then perhaps I can understand you feeling unsettled - if he was hedging his bets right at the beginning of you seeing each other then that is pretty much par for the course.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 16:15:39

I have nothing concrete to go on except the lie about the daytrip. I just wonder if he has some feelings for this woman and would lie to me to keep things easy for him.

I do not like him being away so much and the main reason is my lack of trust.

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