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Help please I am desperate

(60 Posts)
Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 01:57:19

I don't know if anyone else is up? I have done a stupid bad thing and I am now feeling I have nothing left to love for.
I have had a short affair. Caught an sti.
OM doesn't want to know. Says we aren't meant to be together. He also caught it. We don't know who it came from. Both been tested safe. (And seen results).

There is no way back from this. My husband will obv catch it too and therefore know.

Why should I hang around.

The kids will surely find out.

My life is not worth living.

Altho if I am posting maybe I care?

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 22-Nov-12 10:09:21

Hi Op

I am relieved to hear you have pulled back from the brink, and are starting to ask questions about what you can do.

Can I suggest that for now, until you have all the bits of the puzzle eg diagnosis, treatment etc, you re frain from making any big life changing decisions right away.

Start with this, who knows what? what does DH know or suspect, you said you asked for a seperation or a divorce is that right? if so what was his reaction?

Do you feel able while the kids are at school, to sit down with a cuppa, and write down how you felt in your marriage, you mentioned the other man and loving him for 28yrs, can you give any more details about this. If you can seperate the issues as they stand, then there is less chance of lumping them all together and seeing them as this crisis that cant be sorted out.

if you look at this logically (sp) if you had not caught an sti then you and the OM might have been making plans to be together, and dh would have known anyway, because I presume this might have been the end plan?

Now it might be the the OM might have got cold feet, and this sti thing is a red herring and has given him an excuse to walk away. That is his issue and you have no control over that, he might have down this anyway, either way he might have left. Sometimes the fanatasy of something is better than the reality and this is what might have happened for him.

It sounds like as well, and correct me if I am wrong, that you are more devastated over his loss, than maybe the sti, because the sti and the consequences for dh have been pushed to the front and have to be dealt with more quickly than maybe you wanted? this is not a judgement but me thinking out loud, to see where things actually might be in you world right now.

The last thing I will say is this, this is your life and only you know what you want, I am only interested in you and your kids, and your continued staying around for them. Affairs and sti's are of no consequence because there are bigger things at stake. Make your decisions based on you and not your DH, this is a selfish act yes, but you DH and the OM are grown ups your kids are not, and they come first no matter what.

People make unwise choices op, I dont think for one minute that you would have done or gone through with any of this , if you had any idea this would be the result. but it has happened and you will deal with it, because the other choice is far far worse.


PermanentlyOnEdge Thu 22-Nov-12 10:30:25

Wrt herpes, if it truly turns out to be so. It is horrible, and hard to accept that it is done and here to stay, but you do learn to live with it and it fades in significance with time. My sister caught it from her very first boyfriend. I think you can imagine the devastation that caused in her, being so very young, in love for the first time, feeling punished for having had sex at all, feeling tarnished for life and that no one will ever want her again. Of course none of this was true, she had a normal amount of relationships and is now married with two dc. So please, don't act in haste, it is managable and liveable with, and doesn't make you untouchable or unlovable. This is a crisis moment, but it can be worked through.

ErikNorseman Thu 22-Nov-12 10:42:50

You do need to wait for results re herpes before you know what is what. It's not possible to catch the same strain on the face and genitals at the same time, so either you have caught both types simultaneously (v unlikely) or you have caught one and already had the other (unlikely but possible) or you have caught one type and the other sore area is something else.
You could try divorcing your husband rather than facing his anger and pain - but that will only work if you truly want to divorce him. And, to be fair to him, he ought to know that you cheated as it is a huge reason for you wanting the divorce.
The brave choice is to tell him the truth, stop sleeping with him (if you were) and deal with the consequences. Whether you split or not, at least the man will know the truth. I know it's scary xx

Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 12:40:12

I have more to answer to your questions but have a question Erik please....

I haven't been having sex with my husband for 8 months now so at least the immediate physical 'danger' to him is not in the equation.

When you say it isn't possible to have both strains - face and genital....this interests me more. The sti clinic indicated my cold sore on my mouth could be what has given him genital herpes and I also have signs of that too. But if it isn't possible then that is a good thing. Possibly?

Both him and me have lots of classic symptoms from whichever website we google. (Warning may be tmi coming up) Burning, itching, blisters pain on urinating, soreness, flu like symptoms.

(Are you a doctor?) (am hoping you are a specialist in herpes and can tell me it isn't that ;)

I don't remember ever having a cold sore on my mouth in my life before. It started on the 5 day I was with him and I just thought it was a split lip for a day or two.

I have slept for a couple of hours now and am feeling a bit brighter but still can't see the light at the end.

Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 12:41:34

(5th consecutive day I was with him)

Hatpin Thu 22-Nov-12 13:25:08

I caught herpes when I was 18 and had it genitally and cold sores on my face. I had quite a severe infection so flu symptoms + feeling very rough for a week or two. However, I've never had a recurrance of the genital infection. I used to get cold sores on my mouth - maybe once every year or two, for a few years afterwards. It's not a life sentence.

I've also had an affair as well. I will come back later, I'm at work so tricky to post.

Can I ask, is the OM married? Does he have children too?

Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 14:05:33

Hatpin you have made me smile. I'm not the only idiot. Thank you.

In answer to questions earlier today....

OH doesn't know about affair and my 'plan' with the other man is to be very discreet for some time so as not to cause pain. He has been separated for 5 yrs and has one son (18) living with him and one live with the mother. We were very together 28 yrs ago for 2 yrs. he was the one that got away. Hugely passionate relationship but with that come huge ups and massive downs I think.

OH wants to do whatever it takes to stay together.

The worst part I feel is that I still want OM. Have spoken to him today and he says how what we hve is amazing but it just doesn't work and there are too many obstacles in our way. He says he will love only me till he dies but can't see a way for us to be together.

The worst part is that this is what upsets me the most. No guilt. Just feel I am losing all control in my life and of my emotions.

I understand that as a rational being I should be more concerned about how this will affect my OH and kids but I can't be rational right now.

I just want OM. It's like he's a drug or something.

ErikNorseman Thu 22-Nov-12 15:08:12

I'm not a doctor, just a person with type one herpes who made it my business to find out what I can. Everything I read says you can't get one strain in both areas (antibodies or something) though you can have different types in both areas. It's also very weird that you both have first outbreak symptoms at the same time! One of you must have already had it, how can you both contract it simultaneously?

scaevola Thu 22-Nov-12 15:16:16

It sounds like you need to get some space and work out what you really want.

It is unfair on your DH to continue the affair, and you cannot be with the real OM in this situation. And remember, you are not with the real OM, you are with a highly charged fantasy figure.

You are not a passive recipient of what life throws at you. You are at a crossroads, and you need to make a choice.

NoraGainesborough Thu 22-Nov-12 15:17:57

OP I am sorry but what are you playing at?

you said earlier its over with OM and you want to work st your marriage. If so break contact with OM. He is leading you on.

You offered to leave your husband for him, he is placing further things in the way.

You are bring selfish. Sorry but you are. You have told your dh you want to separate. But OM dumped you so you decided you want to make it work with dh. Your dh deserves to be with someone who wants him, not who wants him because the actual love of your life isn't interested.

everything you have written is centred around you. You feel guilty, you feel horrendous.

It would also be selfish to kill yourself. Your have fucked up and your kids and dh will be so hurt. But you may ruin their lives by killing yourself, because you don't want to face up to your mistakes.

And before people flame me, if a woman posted that her dh had admitted to an affair (only because hr had a Sri) and was crying and threatening suicide, everyone would tell her that he was manipulating her and that he is only upset and saying it because he had had to own up. And that he would still be at it with no second thoughts if he could be.

amillionyears Thu 22-Nov-12 15:49:49

You are in a panic.
Things may change and things may alter.

But now is so not the time to make rash decisions.

Wait for the results. I know, waiting for important news is very difficult to do.
But I think you can do it.

Your main problem in time may be getting over the OM. You have been in love with him for 28 years, That is a huge part of your life. And it is going to take time to process it all through.

For now, wait and sit tight.
And keep posting if you want, as that may help with the waiting process.

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 15:59:00

Are you the poster who has had 3 other threads about re-connecting with an old flame who lives thousands of miles away?

Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 16:44:18

I read her posts. Unfortunately I'm not that far away from OM or it moght make it easier. Although it doesnt soubd like it for her. Not same town but just a couple of hours away.

mathanxiety Thu 22-Nov-12 17:48:24

That statement of yours where you said the OM is like a drug for you is a hit the nail on the head moment. You are going to have to examine what this addiction holds for you. The ups and downs you mention signify a man who really is not good for you. It is easy to get addicted to this kind of person and they do an incredible amount of damage. They are dangerous and it is all very intense, and they make decent people seem boring by comparison.

I think you are too panicked right now to get the ins and outs of herpes straight in your head. Herpes is a practical problem and relatively easy to deal with.

The big problem is your addiction and the questions you need to ask yourself going forward are -
What is it about the drama that accompanies the OM that you crave?
How are you going to start living in the here and now and appreciate it warts and all?
How are you going to start taking back power over your own life from this OM?
What is it that has led you to give away your power in your life up to now?

I think you need to also ask can you live a bit more for others than for yourself -- not out of guilt but out of a positive will to give the best you can of yourself to your children and OH, and not out of neediness for reassurance that you are loved? Do you think you could embrace the kind of relationship that develops when you put your heart and soul into it or are you afraid of potential rejection? Do you think you can make recovery from this addiction a priority so that you can be a whole woman again? You have given 28 years of your life to this man, to 'possibility'. Can you draw a line under this and start putting yourself front and centre in your own life and putting what you have in the here and now first? (what you have in the here and now is your OH and your DCs)

Is it sometimes easier to take on some project like a fixer upper sort of man who is unpredictable and gives you ups and downs than to live with a man whose love is something you can take as a given -- do you need to be constantly reassured of love or are you able to take it for granted? A man who takes your power away from you and has you revolving around him will blow hot and cold and make you worry constantly about where you stand. The ups will be thrilling but the downs will bring you to where you are now. Do you think you self sabotage in relationships? Do you do things that provoke? Do you crave drama? Sometimes it's easier to feel constantly challenged to make someone love you than to accept that you are loved.

I agree with what NoraG posted. What I am urging you to do is accept the real life you have, make genuine amends for withholding a big part of yourself from your real life, your OH and your DCs while nurturing an unhealthy fantasy, and develop better boundaries and healthy self esteem to replace what you have been hobbling along with up to now. What has been going on with this OM is sad, but it is a toxin you have encouraged and you need to take responsibility for what you have done to allow that poison into your life and by extension your OH's and your DCs'. Thinking of suicide is the opposite of taking that responsibility.

I urge you to find a counsellor and make it a priority to deal with your own issues here. I also think you and your OH need to sit down with a relationship counsellor. Do whatever it takes to get access to a counsellor soon. Do not join a waiting list -- sacrifice if necessary to get counselling asap.

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 18:00:56

Affairs are about addiction. What you have with OM is not love and would not last (in this intensity).

How did the affair start? What was happening at home? Did you stop home sex because you only wanted OM?

Xales Thu 22-Nov-12 18:03:32

Oh please the OM is feeding you a crock of bull shit.

Bottom line is if he really wanted to be with you he would. All the words and heart drawn out sighs are nothing but hot air. End of the day now you have decided to be with him this is not what he wants with you permanently so it 'just doesn't work and there are too many obstacles'.

If you still want to be with him despite it not happening do your H a favor set him free so that he can start to heal and eventually meet someone who deserves him. It is not fair to only stay with him because OM no longer wants you. If OM changed his mind at any time you would be off like a shot.

I hope you have good news on the STI and it can be sorted for you!

mathanxiety Thu 22-Nov-12 21:27:01

Indeed he is, and falling for it so badly shows there is a huge amount of work to do if you are serious about moving on with your life with or without your OH and DCs.

Dee333 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:05:58

After reading the thread, I just wanted to praise Guiltypleasures on her helpful and understanding reply, if only we could all have a good friend like you in RL. Too many people judge straight away without any understanding of peoples situations and sometimes all people want is to hear it's going to be ok. Good on ya Guiltypleasures

Ihavemessedup Fri 23-Nov-12 00:45:16

Wow mathanxiety you are so spot on with my feelings. I have read your reply a hundred times. Thank you.

I need to get over this addiction. You are right.

No I don't sabotage relationships.

Love the point about accepting that I am loved.

And giving more of me to children.

I will keep re reading. It all makes sense. But how do I get over the addiction. That is my stumbling block. I can't just draw a line. I know I'll move it. I need to start taking actual steps to get this addiction out my life.

Thank you

Monty27 Fri 23-Nov-12 01:05:44

OP, I've skimmed through.

Just accept he's a knob?

Good luck. Mistakes are hard to rectify. But not insurmountable.

hopespringy Fri 23-Nov-12 02:03:07

It's not as simple as that Monty.

You're addicted because there's a big unloved hole in the core of you and it looked for an insane, heady minute that he was the one to plug that gap. It's usually abusive people who look like they're the one to right every wrong in your life, only they aren't the answer, they just make a very good impersonation of looking like they are. Just like any addiction, it's one massive con which promises nirvana but actually destroys you. the OM is bad news - you'll see that one day.

Counselling is important to plumb the depths about what went wrong so that your needs weren't met at the proper time and in the proper way - usually childhood. You won't be the first OP. In fact, join a very packed group. People hide it but it takes something like this to bring it out.

mathanxiety Fri 23-Nov-12 02:06:29

The first step is to stop thinking along the drastic lines you have been indulging in -- forget about ending it all; that is just drama, and catastrophisation. Suicide must be completely off the table for you. You must promise yourself that you will never tell your OH that the word ever entered your head. He doesn't need to carry that burden so don't dump it on him. To tell him would be selfish. Part of developing better boundaries is understanding what is fair and what is unfair to dump on other people.

Being real means accepting you have probably hurt your OH deeply and that it is up to him to decide how he wants to proceed from here on. You will need counselling to get to the point where you can see what you have done here, see how you want to go forward, and how to talk to your OH without making the situation a lot worse than it is already, so I urge you to find a counsellor to talk with asap. You need to ask the counsellor how to establish mature priorities when making decisions, how to have better boundaries (respecting others and respecting yourself) and how to start taking your responsibilities to others seriously even when there is no obvious or immediate benefit to you.

Take a deep breath and deal with the herpes thing if it turns out to be the case. Stop thinking of it in terms of a cosmic comeuppance for you. Again that is unwarranted dramatisation. Talk to a counsellor about the relationship end of things (the relationship with your OH and the relationship with the OM) and your addiction to 'possibility' and drama and challenge and why you want someone who is basically unavailable to you (there is fear of real commitment here), and your inability to be present in your own real life while doing most of your existing in a larger than life, hopped up, dramatic version in your head.

You need to erase the OM's number from your phone and block calls from his number. You need to block his emails (send them to spam or whatever and empty your spam folder without checking it) and you need to unfriend him if you communicate on FB. If there are any other means of communicating then you need to cut them off too. Never drive or walk near where he lives or where you know he goes regularly. If you work together take serious steps to find a new job.

This might be a useful page for you on the subject of boundaries and using the word NO to yourself and to others. (Some of this site is a bit woo but the boundaries page is pretty solid imo).

Damash12 Fri 23-Nov-12 03:32:02

Hi I how you are feeling better and can think a little more clearly. My first advice is go and see your GP, tell them you are down and maybe arrange for some counselling or medication as what you are going through is shock/ grief/ depression. Nothing is unsolvable and worth not seeing your children for.
Secondly herpes is one of the most common sti's with 1 in 4 people having or being a carrier. You could have had this in your system for along time and it is activated by stress (which you quite clearly are suffering from) however if this is your first attack and very painful I would say it's more likely you caught it from the OM but that just imop. It is sad but certainly not the end of the world.
Thirdly the OM sadly he's not sounding like the person you thought he was and in one if your posts you mentioned being bored. Again my opinion only but could it be the attention/excitement that has maybe dipped from life with your husband (which it always does) I would suggest cutting ties with this guy right now until you can think straight but don't let him make you think you are responsible for giving this STI, I think he's panicking not your planning on leaving Oh.
Finally, your husband, can you see a future, could you work at it? Is he a kind loving man? Park the STI issue out of the equation for now, you may at some point have to tell him but not yet. Could you have a bit of time alone or maybe together away from the drudgery of normal life to see how you feel. It may be a new start for both of you or you may decide it's a new start just for you. Again sorry to be blunt but if the other guy isn't there for you now he never was and never will be so he doesn't deserve your tears.
Please get help and I know and can guarantee that 3 weeks/3months/ 3 years from now your situation will have changed and you will wonder why you ever felt so bad at this time but do get support. Please update or at least let us know you are ok. X

worldgonecrazy Fri 23-Nov-12 09:11:39

I'm going to be quite harsh now - if you and OM genuinely are having your first herpes attack - the feeling ill and outbreak of sores, pain urinating, suggest it might well be - then that probably means you were both infected recently. That suggests to me he may have caught it a couple of days before he infected you. Think about what that means.

He is a player, he doesn't really love you or he would be with you. He is not saving you from himself through some act of valour, he really can't be bothered, he just likes the idea of you worshipping him.

Ihavemessedup Fri 23-Nov-12 12:28:22

mathanxiety thank you.

I know I should block calls. Don't see him anymore. Defriended from fb etc etc but how do I get myself to the stage where I WANT to do that and therefore it will last, rather than just doing it to just stop contact? I feel that if I don't want to do that then even if I do it I am not getting to the root of the problem of me understanding and accepting I will never be with him. Otherwise next time I crave a bit of drama won't I just call him again? I need to make myself want to stop contact rather than just do it don't I?

I think the addiction to him is fuelled by the fun and drama it creates in my boring life. I have tried things to widen my interests...recently joined a gym, been on an outdoor climbing weekend, and signed up to a 2 year reflexology course which is almost finished....this I have been doing for 2 yrs (I am a sahm) in order to broaden my horizons and find new challenges.

None of these things seem to work at stopping me being bored and wanting more.

Thanks for your help with this. I think I am starting to break through x

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