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I have met someone new, do I move on or not????

(15 Posts)
Angelv Tue 20-Nov-12 23:28:23

I have been in an abusive / controlling relationship for the last 9 year. In my head it ended almost a year ago but he only actually left about 3 /4 months ago. Everyday he reassures me I have made the right decision, he is still very control and manipulative. I am working on addressing that as he is trying to use my son against me. I do nothing but try to encourage their relationship.
I have a very close friend who has really supported me over the last few months, and we have got very close. He has met my son (as a friend) and is fantastic with him, and knows my situation and my past. He has been supportive in me getting counselling and dealing with the past. I feel so positive about the future. I love him, we have spent time on our own as a couple (obviously away from my son) I love how he makes me feel and how we are, BUT before I start anything I am worried about my ex. He has already threatened 3 times to never see his son again when he wants to throw his toys out the pram. This new man is very worried about that, he puts my son first (more than my ex ever has) he doesn't want to be the reason my ex doesn't see his son, or come between their relationship. His access has already cut right down - his choice not mine, and a big part of me believes he is just looking for the right excuse to leave his life - but I can't let that be me moving on, that is no way for us to start something new.
Has anyone else ever dealt with this? I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his son. Even if I decide not to take things further now (which is hard, because I really do love him, it is one of those I just know moments) am I going to always have this hanging over me? That he can just walk away and say it is my fault. How do I / we live with that and explain that to my son when he is old enough, will he resent us?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 23:31:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Tue 20-Nov-12 23:35:58

If the situation was reversed, if (god forbid by the sounds of it) your ex had the day-to-day care of your son, do you really think you would allow the start of a new relationship to be the reason you didn't see him any more? Of course you wouldn't. No rational parent would.

But if you believe that your ex would use this against you - well, it will always be something. He wants to control you through the thing he knows will always get to you - your love for your ds.

If he goes, he goes. Don't encourage access - but don't prevent it either of course!

Angelv Tue 20-Nov-12 23:37:41

I completely get that but my new potential partner doesn't want to come between father and son and I do understand that, that is guilt that he shouldn't have to deal with as its not his fault at the end of the day - just not sure how to stop him thinking that, but mainly how to stop my ex using our son as a weapon

tribpot Tue 20-Nov-12 23:48:28

Well, you can't control other people's thoughts smile You can't stop what your new guy thinks/feels - that's up to him. You can't stop your ex behaving like an arse - that's up to him.

If your new guy wants to support you, he can't put his guilt on to you. Remember, this is not your fault. I think you're so used to being on the back foot and constantly having to try and 'make up' for perceived faults that your ex accused you of to keep you under control that you've lost sight of this for the game that it clearly is. You are separated. You are entitled to your private life. It has nothing to do with your ex. End of.

Your ex also has no need to know about this relationship at this very early stage.

squeakytoy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:51:36

If your ex wasnt your sons father, is he the sort of person that you would want in your sons life?

Your ex may choose to stop seeing your son if you have a new relationship.. would that really be a bad thing?

I am all for fathers getting access to their kids, but if they are utter tossers who are not particularly nice people, then what benefit is it really to the child if they dont see much of that person?

Angelv Wed 21-Nov-12 00:05:33

I can't control how my potential new partner feels and if he can't deal with that I completely understand, it is a lot to take on and we will still be very close no matter what.
I also can't control what my ex does, but can feel guilty myself for it, I know what he is doing is to spite me but at the end of the day it only spites my son.
He has also been very rude to my friends and family over the years, including making a big scene at my sons birthday the other week. My new partner is worried if we got together that could happen to his friends and family, and that me and my son would become his family, and is he just meant to sit back and watch the hurt and manipulation?

Apocalypto Wed 21-Nov-12 08:34:45

@ angelv

Please remember that only your ex can stop your son having a father.

Angelv Wed 21-Nov-12 09:31:57

Thanks all for your advice, my potential new partner saw how my ex treated me when he suspected I was seeing someone. He wouldn't give me my son back and was threatening me. I got him back and we were both obviously very upset. My son was very distressed and I felt sick that he wouldn't give me my son. My friend saw us after that. He said that is the most distressing thing he has ever seen and hates that that was because my ex suspected we were together. Even if it is my ex's choice, he said that image still plays on his mind and he hates the guilt knowing it was because of him.
I have explained that my ex has done that before (not that, that justifies it) but how would he get past that feeling of knowing this could be down to him?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 21-Nov-12 10:36:28

There are a lot of other thinking of themselves here aren't there with you in the middle?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 21-Nov-12 10:36:35


dequoisagitil Wed 21-Nov-12 10:50:02

Your new guy has to accept that if you two are together, your ex may well try to drag his family and friends into the drama. If he still wants to proceed, then your best bet is to pre-empt anything your ex might do, by telling your bf's friends and family beforehand that the ex will likely try to cause trouble.

If your bf can't face the potential fall-out, then that's sad but fair enough and you guys should call it quits.

Truth is, it is probable that the ex will kick up a stink about any relationship you develop, but you have to be strong and not let him rule your life. If your bf doesn't have the conviction, you're better off without.

izzyizin Wed 21-Nov-12 10:52:06

Your potential new partner is a being a wuss. Why doesn't he recognise that your ex is an arse who is intent on behaving unreasonably regardless of who you are/were seeing?

What it comes down to is that anytime you do anything that doesn't meet with your ex's approval such as getting on with your life without him, he's going to behave like the twunt he is.

Why was your ex able to kick off at your ds's birthday party? Surely he's non persona grata at your home as well as family and other events?

joyhenrry Wed 21-Nov-12 10:58:52

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lovingfreedom Wed 21-Nov-12 11:49:03

It's up to you to deal with your ex and your DS, not the new guy. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, or can't face what he thinks that will involve, better keep him as a friend.

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