Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Abuse, affairs, dunno who I am anymore..

(23 Posts)
Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:15

Name change regular- invented the alias to post, well, brag really about my affairs on another thread.

I thought I was sorted.

I thought that the fact that I have been seeking numerous affairs since I turned 40 was my life choice. A little compartment. Hurts no one if you are careful.

I'm lucky, or devious, or both. I haven't caused hurt to the undeserving. But I could have- and this is playing on me.

It would be easy- too easy- to blame my need for affirmation on childhood abuse. That had been put in a box, too. Not ignored or trivialised. Just put in a compartment. I thought this was adult, grown up, strong and sensible. My stepfather's death last year put, I had thought, a full stop to it all.

But it hasn't. Still in my head. And still I want my affairs. Need affirmation. But love my DH. Don't know what he would do. He knows about nothing. None of it.

Feel daft coming here for support. Feel I should know better.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 20-Nov-12 20:44:08

Hi OP

Have you thought about having some counselling? You obviously realise that this behaviour is causing you pain, so it might be worth looking at it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:51:04

When you say you love your DH what form does that take and what do you love about him? I ask because I suspect that your compartmentalisation of the affairs only really works if you think about him less as a human being with feelings etc., and more as a representation of ... I don't know... security? reliability? respectability? A lot of people with dark secrets carefully cultivate that veneer of normality. Maybe you're ready to be more genuine?

Strix Tue 20-Nov-12 20:51:15

Sounds awfully dr seussy... Almost like trivial light hearted poetry. Not sure you are really seeking support. Seems more like you have a title tiny twinge of guilt. But the fact it is only a little tiny twinge is rather telling.

Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 20:53:06

I think that isa bit unkind, strix

Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 20:54:45

Oh he is very human, sunny. I don't trivialise him.

If anything- I trivialise myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:55:39

Get your tin hat on Shamefulpleasures. You can't confess to a string of affairs here and expect to be treated with kid gloves....

Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 20:55:40

Sorry. That was to cogito.

Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 20:56:35

Wasn't expecting kid gloves.

Feel I deserve the flames.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:58:47

You say the affairs started in your forties? There's only so much sexual self-affirmation you can tolerate, I expect. Even if you weren't feeling particularly shallow or guilty about it, when you realise how easy it is to get laid and how little it means anything, the fun kind of goes out of it. Like junk food.... on every corner, colourful and briefly tasty but you wouldn't want to live on it.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 21:01:47

Do you want to get caught? It's only a matter of time, you know.

Hatpin Tue 20-Nov-12 21:07:20

If you replaced the word "affair" with "drugs" in your post, you would sound like an addict in the full throes of denial.
The fix is more important to you than anything, or anyone else, isn't it?

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 21:08:08

Could it be that you are now the one in control?

I haven't been very nice this evening, but I got your need for support, sending you sympathy.

Try to go to counselling, it would be so much better if you stopped this dangerous behaviour, and found your authentic self. [As AF said, you will get caught].

Shamefulpleasures Tue 20-Nov-12 21:15:24

Accept advice. Am piece of shit.

Strix Tue 20-Nov-12 21:16:12

Well, maybe I am cold hearted and harsh, but I am thinking of the man living in blissful ignorance. You just seem to be looking for justification and not really genuinely remorseful. That in itself I find creepy at best.

Are you looking to feel better but what you have not only already, but continue to do? I find people like you... Well... Icky.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 21:16:30

What happened when you turned 40? What was the trigger that caused you to embark on a quest for cheap thrills sexual adventures with om?

And why did the death of your stepfather cause you to think you had no more need of these affairs when it was clear that you'd become addicted to them?

EdithWeston Tue 20-Nov-12 21:17:52

Are you worried that if you confide in DH you are making yourself too vulnerable, even now, to the potential he could let you down and you be hurt again.

If you are having multiple affairs, you live with the ever-present threat of discovery (you're caught out, or a partner is caught out or confesses). And then you will see your DH's pain. I do not think that will help you.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 21:20:12

Perhaps your husband knows ?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:20:30

So the affairs are not enough. Now you post to get a different kind of adrenaline kick?

You realize both are very attention seeking behaviours?

ClownBikeInAVelodrome Tue 20-Nov-12 21:21:41

No, you're really not. It takes two to tango. I've been the OW (never cheated on an actual partner) and I can tell you that I've never met anyone who's been the OW or had an affair that isn't massively insecure and not dealing with some issue or something. Yeah it's wrong. Yes it's really hurtful but you know what? You didn't murder anyone. There are worse things you could have done in your life. You can stop it. Get counselling and see what comes of it. Won't be easy but recognising it is the first step.

There's a difference between condoning something and saying 'yes this was wrong, now I need to move on' and changing the behaviour rather than as some think, give up as you'll never be any good. Not true.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Tue 20-Nov-12 21:22:43

Are you aware that promiscuity can be a side affect of abuse and increases the sense of low self esteem, I am low and dirty therefore I deserve(d) what has happened to me.

It is quite likely these feelings are caused by the abuse you have suffered, exactly the same way as if you had turned to drugs or alcohol.

Self destructive behaviour and beating yourself up about it are sadly classic behaviour patterns, please get help, you deserve to be happy.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Tue 20-Nov-12 21:23:39

(different izzy btw)

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 21:31:06

This thread is like masochism in action.

OP, you have posted to get a kicking because your multiple affairs are not making you feel shit enough

You will keep going until you are found out, yes ? Then you can make your life really bad.

get some help, love

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now