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Just don't know what to do...not sure ignoring this is going to work!!!

(50 Posts)
Ghostie Tue 20-Nov-12 16:36:59

So this is really rather complicated DH and I have been married a 1 1/2 years, but been together 8 years. DD is 2 and I am 7 months pregnant with DD 2.

DH is Australian and at the weekend, after a few glasses of wine and during our exciting weekly dose of X-factor, told me that he is thinking that he wants to go home. We have tossed the idea around lots of times, but I always say to my family he never really says he wants to go home, so this weekend he said, so I'm telling you now I am starting to think that I want to go home.

He told me how much he is not enjoying life here any more, that the weather at home would be much more conducive to a happy family life. He thinks I will find work less demanding and stressful in Oz. He just said there is nothing to his life now. I couldn't disagree, other than DD and the impending second DD life feels like a bit of slog and we don't seem to have much of a relationship left...and therein lies part of the rub!

I don't want to go, not only because the idea of leaving my family breaks my heart and stupid things like I don't want our DDs to have an Aussie accent and important things like I think this country is more culturally and intellectually rich, but really sadly I am no longer secure enough in our relationship to follow him all that way.

I have tried talking to him about the fact that I feel all he does is criticise or 'tell me off' that there is a lack of tenderness, that we never do anything together. Being pregnant I thought he might show more care and interest, but he never asks me how I am feeling, how the baby is or anything. And as for our sex life it is none existant and this is an on going thing (other than the obvious success of being pregnant) I feel totally de-sexed unattractive and I guess that I feel he loves me, but is not interested in me sexuallly or in love with me...sometimes I don't think he likes me very much - and this is not about being pregnant. We never do anything together and he shows no interest in doing things with me, other than sitting and watching T.V. We are both bored and frustrated...maybe a move would help.

I am just needing to find a way to discuss these things without being hurtful or it disolving into a row or slanging match and this seems impossible! Just not sure of the best way to move forward...

olgaga Thu 22-Nov-12 07:54:06

MaMaPo - yes I still moan about the long dark winters here, and I've been back since 1978! The important thing here is that OP would not be free to come back if she was unhappy - half a world away from her own family.

He made a decision to marry here, half a world away from his family. There was no agreement or even an expectation that they would eventually settle in Aus as a family.

I think it's too much to expect. But then I see it from the point of view of my mum who had to put up with life there, against her better judgement and away from her family for 13 years - and I know how unhappy that made her, and indeed all of us.

Maybe OP's H would be happier here if there weren't so many problems in this marriage - which I think we all agree, is the main issue here.

Frankly he doesn't sound like the kind of man I'd want to move across town for, let alone to the other side of the world.

mummytime Thu 22-Nov-12 06:04:11

The big issue is "never move to get over your problems, you will only take them with you".

If you are unhappy in the UK, the chances are high you will be unhappy in Australia.

Maybe both of your should get some couples counselling, if only to have a safe place to say things to each other and to learn to communicate.

Gingerodgers Thu 22-Nov-12 04:16:17

Try reading this book, David burns, feeling good together, In my opinion, a relationship bible!

MaMaPo Wed 21-Nov-12 22:45:02

olgaga I am Australian. I live in the UK.

I think it's fair enough for your other half to be flirting with the idea of moving back home. Winters here really are difficult and the lifestyle is markedly different in my experience. But it's not OK to see the move as a quick fix of all your problems.

I still think you should talk openly and at length about it. If you can't do that then I'm not sure your relationship is healthy, regardless of what country you're in.

Proudnscary Wed 21-Nov-12 14:53:34

I know four English women who have moved to Oz.

1. Very happy with (English) husband, great life, kids happy.
2. Very unhappy, ok marriage but hates the lifestyle and being so far from family, has not found any fulfilling work despite being a very experienced designer
3. Very unhappy, stuck in unhappy marriage, can't leave because of 3 kids born there
4 A distraught, depressed friend who is home but WITHOUT one of her children as she was not allowed to bring them back to UK.

I am not Australia bashing, I've never been and think it sounds in many ways wonderful (with lovely people) but there really are so many considerations legally and distance and lifestyle wise.

All in all I would NEVER move abroad with anyone who I was not sure I would want to be with.

I think wanting to move to Oz is a red herring - it will not magically fixt your husband's unhappiness and certainly will not fix your marriage problems.

HipHopOpotomus Wed 21-Nov-12 14:38:10

And of course if we did move and DP & I split up, then he is stuck in a country far from home without family support too.

Also as an antipodean, can I just say a little bit of gloom and doom at this time of year is 'normal' - November is traditionally a very depressing time (weather-wise etc) for us.

HipHopOpotomus Wed 21-Nov-12 14:33:26

I am from NZ, DP from London. We live in London - I've been here many many years, but part of me very much feels like emigrating to NZ. DP has said he is up for it. But still it's very difficult for so many reasons - good jobs being top of the list.

Your post touched me as I felt very much like you are re our relationship when PG with DD2. We do get on much better now - thankfully things improved after DD2 was born.

I think it will always be an issue in your relationship re where you live - part of it is because emigrating is a viable option, partly it's "the grass in greener" syndrome.

Also if you do ever split up one of you will always face living in a country you possibly don't want to live in, in order to be close to the children. (I think it would be just as hard for him to leave UK with DC as it would be for you to leave Oz with them IYSWIM). I think if DP and I split I would have to stay in UK forever, single parent, without the support of my family sad or take DC away from a loving father sad sad

Sorry none of this is very helpful - but they are issues these multi-nation relationships throw up. I haven't found any answers yet & I guess these things will be issues in my life forever.

Twattergy Wed 21-Nov-12 14:18:56

Definitely acknowledge your husbands feelings about moving but to give yourself time and reduce any pressure on you, say that you'd like to see how the coming year goes with new baby before making any plans. You need to put you and baby first. That's not to say you can't spend the coming year talking, investigating the options together , it just makes it clear now isn't a good time to rush it. It will be interest ing to see how your husband feels about it in a year and more importantly how you feel about him in the coming months.

kerala Wed 21-Nov-12 14:12:01

Also you are in and are about to go into a really challenging time of your life. Have a toddler/being pregnant/having a newborn plus toddler is HARD. Dont think this is ever going to be the most culturally enriched sociable phase of your life just give into that. DH and I didnt do much at your stage now our DDs are 4 and 6 our lives are totally different - met new people through having the girls, very sociable, trips to places are fun as its no longer the slog of nappies, naps and tantrums. You are not at an easy stage (though there are great benefits to it) moving to Australia wont change that. I think you are being abit hard on yourselves.

Lemonylemon Wed 21-Nov-12 14:05:01

What AF said. You can't run away from your problems, which I think is what the OP's H thinks will happen.

OP: If you like culture etc. then some places in Australia aren't for you. I missed the history, and diversity of the UK when I lived in Oz.

Oh yes, the cockroaches.... Very amusing to find them in my kitchen cupboards - NOT!

It's no cheaper living over there either. The cost of living has rocketed. I think that the British Expats forum would be useful to get opinions from people who have made the move. My job over there was a lot more stressful than back here.

Just don't let yourself be talked into agreeing to do anything at this moment in time.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 21-Nov-12 13:58:38

I have tried talking to him about the fact that I feel all he does is criticise or 'tell me off' that there is a lack of tenderness, that we never do anything together

but really sadly I am no longer secure enough in our relationship to follow him all that way

Heres your answer honey.

Longdistance Wed 21-Nov-12 13:30:33

And huge cockroaches!

In my experience, I wouldn't go. My dh still works the lonnnng hours he did as in the Uk, and I now don't have a support network. In my experience I'm worse off.

I do believe your marriage needs work, not your careers, home life, weather and so on.

As for pp, they are right about living in Oz. Once here and if you split, you simply cannot just leave.

Take it easy with your bump, as that's when dh caught me off guard about moving to Oz.

mortimersraven Wed 21-Nov-12 13:22:16

Hi, OP

Last year I moved to China with my DP. We had a very strong relationship. Moving here was the biggest, most stressful test of our dedication to our relationship that you can imagine. I learnt new things about my DP that I never expected, and I'm sure we've both changed. It's not a small thing to do, emigrate to the other side of the world! It's a LOT harder than staying put. That said, I'm happy we did it and we'd do it again. BUT, and it's a massive but, don't try and do it if you don't feel secure with the other person! Most of our single friends moved out here with wives/husbands/long-term partners to begin with...

If I were you, I'd tell DH that it's something important to discuss, and can we discuss it in 6 months? Because if you are nearing the end of your pregnancy a lot is going to change in the next few months anyway, and you both need to adjust to the new LO first. Then you can talk about it more rationally, and with a long-term view. Is he likely to accept a pause in the plans until then?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 21-Nov-12 13:05:56

Oh this is a tricky one. I do have a little bit of sympathy for your H because it's not hugely unreasonable of him to feel homesick, even if he has lived in the UK for a long time. However, that doesn't mean you have to uproot yourself if you don't want to do so. I think both of you have to decide which matters more to you: home or your marriage? And if the answer is 'home' for both of you then it might be best to negotiate as amicable a split as possible.

But I definitely don't think you should move to the other side of the world with a man who tells you off, ignores your feelings and blames you for his miseries. Sometimes men who are at bottom abusive and misogynistic like to cut off their wives from family and friends, isolate the woman so she is dependent on the man and therefore more likely to submit and obey because she has no way of escaping. Not saying that's what's going on in your case but it's worth considering if there are any other indications of trouble in that department.

I won't comment on Australia vs UK as I have never been to Austrialia (--it has far too many BIG FUCKING SPIDERS, thanks--)

AgathaF Wed 21-Nov-12 08:04:31

What differences does he see in you lives if you go over there?

Dahlen Wed 21-Nov-12 07:46:52

I think you know that moving under the present circumstances would be crazy. Even if you were secure in your relationship and even if you wanted wholeheartedly to emigrate, doing so while you are pregnant or within the first year of a new baby's life is going to be incredibly difficult. Emigration is difficult at the best of times, let alone with a young baby in tow. If you need breathing space, that alone should provide it.

You really need to talk about this with your DH, and there are two separate issues to discuss. If you don't want to go to Australia even if your relationship was 'perfect' then he needs to know that. If you're prepared to go if things improve between the two of you, then you both need to discuss how you're going to make that happen.

Both these conversations will be very difficult, but not as difficult as th potential consequences if you ignore things.

good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Nov-12 07:37:28

I do not think that emigrating would help any as you would both end up taking your problems with you. Your own issues re your H would be multiplied by the fact that you could well end up feeling isolated in some residential area and not having your own family readily around as back up.

Also the overall cost of living in Australia has rocketed in the last few years. How would you afford to finance living there?.

Would your teaching qualifications actually be recognised there or would you have to take their equivalent qualfications or be on a lower pay grade? Its tough to emigrate even if your relationship is strong and it sounds like he is not as invested in this relationship as you are.

"I have tried talking to him about the fact that I feel all he does is criticise or 'tell me off' that there is a lack of tenderness, that we never do anything together.

What has been his response?. Does he have a way of making it all out to be your fault whilst he abdicates all responsibility for his actions?.

"Being pregnant I thought he might show more care and interest, but he never asks me how I am feeling, how the baby is or anything".

These two above sentences are far more telling of how your relationship actually is now. Putting emigration into this uneasy mix is a complete recipe for disaster for you and your children.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 07:36:22

"We do need to do something about our lives it feels a bit empty, but we are both always so tired."

You are tired because you are pregnant, have small children and work full time.

Australia won't make those things less tiring.

If life feels empty at the moment, being far away from friends and family is only going to make that worse.

The UK isn't a grey country where you have to stay indoors all the time. It has a mild, temperate climate with no extremes.

Being stuck indoors because it's too hot to go out is no better (and arguably worse) that deciding to stay in to avoid a bit of harmless drizzle.

StuntGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 02:41:17

I absolutely would not given your circumstances. If you move there and decide you don't like it you will have only two choices - 1) Stay and be miserable 2) Leave your children and come back to the UK.

As wonderful as I imagine Australia is I couldn't risk my children like that.

Einsty Tue 20-Nov-12 23:25:16

Be careful that the basis on which you decide Aus might be better are accurate. I lived in the UK for ten years, and visited Aus regularl

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Nov-12 23:22:24

OP, why on earth would you go and live in another country with someone you don't really like?

Your relationship doesn't sound that good and if you go over to Australia and decide it's not for you then you won't be able to come back.

Is that really what you want from your life?

And you've worked hard in your career, so that'll go back a step. You won't be near your family.

Arrgh! Don't go!

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 23:00:30

I don't agree you get a better work/life balance in Australia. Same shit/different surroundings. And depending on where you go...only marginally better weather.

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 22:53:41

Can I say that you are sounding both very caring, very dignified and very balanced. I wish you all the luck in making your decision.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 22:48:15

MaMaPo have you actually been there for any length of time, without any possibility of getting back when you want to?

Australia is a fantastic place to go for a holiday.

Tryharder Tue 20-Nov-12 21:24:21

I would go. I would go like a shot actually. I love Australia. I totally agree with your DH about being stuck in a grey, depressing, cold country.

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