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Sex life going stale after just a few months together??!

(24 Posts)
BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 16:34:22

When we got together 4 months ago we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Whenever we got to spend the night together we'd have sex 3/4 times a night and then in the morning too, it was amazing! Then after a bit it got to the point were when we spent the night together, we'd have sex but just the once and then sleep. Fair enough, didn't expect him to keep up that pace forever.

Then it got to the point where if we spent 3 nights a week together, we'd just have sex on one of those nights. That's where we are now. Plus, I feel like it's always me that instigates it. He NEVER instigates sex other than kissing me, judging my reaction and then carrying on kissing me hoping it will lead to sex. He never touches me spontaneously, if I have my back to him he'll never instigate sex - it's like he'll only "go for it" if he's been given a clear green light by me kissing him longer than normal.

It's gotten a bit boring too. Foreplay is exactly the same each time. We start off in the same position each time, we finish up in the same position each time - it's almost become a script we follow.

If we'd been married for years - yeah I could understand it going a bit stale but it's only been 4 months!! I feel like he's not attracted to me. In fact, I wonder if I stop instigating sex at all, will we ever have sex again??

Not right after 4 months is it?!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 16:41:53

No it's not right. Takes time to get to know each other but a new partner really isn't meant to be that much hard work. Neither is sex meant to get that boring, that quickly. When the shagging goes awry this early on in a relationship I think it's god's way of saying.... leave the bastard. smile

VoiceofUnreason Tue 20-Nov-12 16:46:22

Um, silly question, but have you talked to him about it?

OhEmGee25 Tue 20-Nov-12 16:47:05

Stop initiating it! It's his turn!

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 16:47:54

I do like him and I'm willing to be the instigator in spicing things up a bit but I don't know where to start to be honest. I'm not that experienced or confident myself but I am saddened that what started out as an exciting sex life has diminished into what I would class as "married too long sex".

Maybe we see too much of each other?? is 3 nights a week too much at 4 months? Should I cool it a bit and give him a chance to miss me? I don't know. He says all the rights things, doesn't sound like he's getting fed up of me - it just seems like he's "settled" into it far too early iyswim?

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 16:50:16

No not mentioned it to him yet. I couldn't think of a way to phrase it that didn't come out as "you're not as good in bed as I thought you were".

I don't want to knock his confidence as I really don't think he's being like this for the sake of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 16:50:50

He's just stopped trying, that's all. You're a 'sure thing' so why make the effort?

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 16:51:53

I'd agree with you Cog but even if I was such a sure thing - he doesn't seem interested in taking it!

(I'm assuming you mean sure thing sex wise, not relationship wise?)

OhEmGee25 Tue 20-Nov-12 16:52:41

Three nights a week no doubt comes with three following mornings a week too. So to see each other 6/7 days a week at 4 months is a bit much.

VoiceofUnreason Tue 20-Nov-12 16:53:35

band - repeating my question, have you talked to HIM about it?? What any of us say is guesswork based on very little info and anything you propose to us is mere guesswork. Maybe there is a specific reason for his reticence?

I agree, it seems odd to 'go off' this soon. But if you were happy enough shagging like rabbits right from the start, you should be confident enough in broaching the subject with this guy. Unless you don't see this guy as a potential long-term relationship, in which case, why bother - just move on.

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 17:35:03

He's bored. Move on.

aPirateInaPearTree Tue 20-Nov-12 18:11:21

maybe you aren't sexually compatible.

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 18:13:45

I reckon he'd not had it for ages beforehand, so after going at it like toads in a pond for a few weeks, the thrill has worn off a bit and he's now realised that actually it wasn't personal.

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 18:18:38

What do you mean 'it wasn't personal'? - do you mean he was just happy to be getting some and that I could have been anyone?

I was wondering if the age gap might have something to do with it also. There is 10 years between us. I'm 30, he's 40

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 18:20:39

Yes, pretty much that. He gets his itch scratched with a foxy younger babe then loses interest because he's 40.

sarahseashell Tue 20-Nov-12 18:22:16

you need to speak to him about this - are you saying he doesn't seem to want to start anything unless he's sure you want to? maybe it's just a misunderstanding?

Also you could vary things and not go along with the 'script' - have you tried that?

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 18:23:37

In other words, the novelty has worn off? I think you're right!

Time to back off and let him make his mind up I think

ElizabethX Tue 20-Nov-12 18:36:25

I've been with someone for 4 months too. If anything, and if possible, the sex is getting more frequent and more full on. We both just seem to have adapted to having sex 5 or 6 days a week, often more than once, and we never really calmed down.

That said, we also do pretty much literally everything else together too. Not like shopping and stuff but just vegging around each other reading the paper etc.

It should feel suffocating but it doesn't, it's just nice to have undemanding company. If I want my space back I just go home, which is not very far away. he doesn't get arsey about this because he doesn't get arsey about anything but also I guess because it's not far away.

What's the rest of it like? Are you bestest buds? Relationships seem to have a sort of natural life span and then you've exhausted the other's possibilities. If you're lucky it's 50 years, if not it's 4 months. I think if it's getting jaded already, it's fizzling out.

You had fun, I think you'd feel better if you ended it rather than letting it drift or waiting for him to, IYSWIM.

BandOfMares Tue 20-Nov-12 18:40:21

We do a lot of stuff together, we go out a lot and always have fun, we sit watching TV with a cuddle and cuppa and when we're not together we text every day without fail.

It just feels like we're both starting to relax now and be ourselves, no longer on 'best behaviour' so to speak so I suppose it's only natural that now is the time for the cracks to start appearing.

Conflugenglugen Tue 20-Nov-12 19:08:03

Sounds like the relationship is shifting into platonic mode. It might be useful to see if there's a tendency for either (or both) of you to assume family roles from your past, i.e. parent-child, or siblings. That will stop the sex pretty quickly.

Itwillendinsmiles Tue 20-Nov-12 19:09:05


Time to back off and let him make his mind up I think

Isn't it you who needs to make their mind up?

Brodicea Tue 20-Nov-12 19:23:22

Talk to him about it: if you don't want to be too direct, then you could talk about 'trying different things'... although he might think that means you want to have bum sex....

VitoCorleone Tue 20-Nov-12 19:32:01

Maybe he's just shy about instigating sex or trying new things?

Is he a shy person?

maleview70 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:43:18

You are heading towards your sexual peak, he is well past his. Men at 40 don't want as much sex as they did when they were 20 on the whole. There will be the odd exception but the norm will be that age will reduce his appetite.

If you like him and enjoy each others company is it really such a big deal?

Maybe could do with a bit of variety but you can work on that.

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