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I need help (and you'll probably flame me)(318 Posts)
I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.
He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.
Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.
The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.
I do want to fix it, he's had a vasectomy so no kids or prospect of. I don't think he will agree to counselling.
How do I do it? I want to say either we sort this and we put the past behind us or we split but I'm scared to say it to him.
hold on OP.
I am very surprised by the words you are using to describe yourself. I am not going to say that what you did was right but the one thing that separates 'good people' from 'bad people' is that the first ones learn from their mistakes (because let's be blunt, we ALL make mistakes).
from your posts, I would say that you have learnt from your mistakes.
But in no way, does it mean that:
- it's now OK for your DH to behave in this way and be very controlling
- you shuld just accept it because you are such a bad person.
Has your DH been telling you things like this? Has he inferred that, as you were the OW before, then you are likely to be an OW again?
Perhaps his ex told him the karma line - what goes around comes around and he is worried his destiny is to be cheated on like he cheated on his ex.
Especially as he is quite a bit older. Maybe someone has said "Blimey, what's she doing with him?" and he overheard. Or again, the ex would probably have said (I know I would) "She won't want you in a few years, when she's 31, you'll be ...." and now he's worrying he is at that point.
I don't think he has ever made me think that but he does say I find it easy to lie and that I shouldn't do things when other men are around like sunbathe or sit in the staff room where there might be banter which is rude.
"I know we're both low lives and it's probably all I deserve."
Ah bollocks to that, life's too short for self-flagellating and condemning yourself to misery. Don't do it. You've made some horrible decisions that you should be ashamed of BUT that doesn't mean you should martyr yourself to someone that's making you miserable. You get one life after all, and you'd be better off if you split. You're in your thirties, if you're lucky you'll be able to have another fifty years on this earth (or more) that won't be with this person.
My brother mentioned that a friend of his said I was fit and I knew IMMEDIATELY that the comment would cause friction and sure enough he sulked for two days before bringing it up with me. Totally out of my control but still affecting my life.
He sounds like a prat, it's self projection.....
Go ahead and cheat if you are already serving the crime. Accuse him vehemently of cheating every time he goes out the door. Be hysterical about it, cry, shake and shiver uncontrollably like a fine actress. Think Jean Slater whilst you're at it. Scare the hell out of him . Be difficult and remind him he's cheated before and after all female instinct is barely wrong! Be difficult. Tell him he is fucking projecting!(please don't take advice from me today!)
By the way cleaning does not make a perfect husband , he is doing it because it's the natural thing to do post slavery, unless if he owns one, which I doubt. He is not what you thought he was and I hope ex wife got to see this and is happier now.
He is shitting himself that you will screw him over (emotionally) like he screwed his ex over.
I agree with the poster that said it should be a case or counselling or door.
At least you are realising something is very wrong now and not in another 10 years.
How do feel about not having kids? Does he think that may make you cheat on him as he can't have children with you?
why does he say you find it easy to lie?
You may well deserve to be thought of/treated like shit by his wronged ex wife, let's be honest.
But by him?! The guy who left his wife for you, because he decided the grass was greener elsewhere?! Who betrayed his wife for you. Where the fuck does he get off judging and suspecting you like this?!
I'm afraid I agree that this is indicative of someone who doesn't trust himself. It's very unlikely he only cheated with you when he was in his first marriage.
And that the wider issue is he is controlling - that's no way to live, being afraid to talk to other men for fear of reprisals.
Overall I also agree that, despite behaving badly in the past, no-one deserves a life of punishment and misery. You mustn't think 'I deserve this, what did I expect?'. You don't deserve it.
Talk to him - tell him you are at breaking point.
He's never said anything about children ever. Lately he's worse than ever, if I ask him what time he'll be home he wants to know why I want to know!! FFS.
I keep trying to talk to my mum about it but she just won't listen to me.
Put all the past issues to one side and ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship now and what you will get from it in the future.
From what you've posted, you're in a relationship where your behaviour and movements are controlled, where there is no trust and with a partner who will never be able to give you children if you decide you want them. You've also said you're 'scared' of being honest with him.
Sometimes essentially good people who end up in relationships like this stick with them as a form of self-punishment. Is there any of that going on with you?
Please don't even consider going to couples counselling with a controlling man. Go for some therapy on your own.
Oh and don't minimise his controlling, nasty, manipulative behaviour by calling it 'sulking' please.
I think it all stems from the emails he found.
No it doesn't stem from the e mails he has found. His behaviour towards his wife was your first indicator of the man you were involved with.
He's seeing someone else, right?
Is that a possibility? Controlling you because he can't control himself?
Christ he sounds an arse.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is so controlling, judges you by his own cheating, lying standards, and who can't give you kids?
It's a waste of your time mate. He means to suck the life out of you and hoard it jealously for himself.
You need it leave IMO. What is in this relationship for you? Am I right in thinking you have no children of your own to consider? Because if so, what's stopping you leaving? He sounds jealous and insecure and I'd hazard a guess at pretty arrogant too.
I understand that 7 years ago, you were the ow. You have admitted that was shitty but I think you need to cut yourself some slack now. You were little more than a young girl and he was a man with a wife and family who had a lot more life experience. You truly believe and admit to your mistake - so now is the time to put it behind you. You deserve a better life now and since there is nothing in this relationship for you anyway, I believe you should leave.
I've been reading around it and just now he's being a Hoover. As in, really loving and caring and trying extra hard. I'm pleased that I have started to recognised the behaviour.
come on OP. You want help stop drip feeding.
Are you saying he calls you a liar because of some emails? What emails?
You will get flamed it you are only telling half a story.
I will say to you what I would say to any woman trapped in a controlling relationship with an inadequate man (no matter what the origins of it)
Leave him. It's not going to get any better.
Thing is, he treated his first wife badly (by cheating) this you know - anything else he's told you about how he was in the marriage or what she's said to you since (knowing you're the OW) can't be trusted. You know he treated her with no respect and didn't care about her feelings, or else he would not have slept with you, whatever he said to you at the time (or to himself)
That he is treating his second wife badly (possibly in a different way) is to be expected. He doesn't treat woman in his life well.
I don't want to do the usual "leave the bastard" but you have no children, he is controlling and treats you badly and you know he has no moral issues with shagging about. I'd leave at least for a little bit and decide what you want.
She already explained about the emails. Try reading things properly before you get arsey.
I did say he logged on to my emails when we first got together and read some flirty emails I had sent from before we got together. Sorry.
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