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partner has left im pregnant

(73 Posts)
Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:55:25

Would love some advice im so low at the moment.
I am 31 and a mum to 5 children (3 from a previous relationship) and I am currently pregnant with number 6. The pregnancy wasnt planned, I was on the pill but had a stomach bug around time I conceived. Partner wanted me to have an abortion and to a point bullied me,I gave in and made an appointment but when I got there I couldnt do jt. Fast forward im now 21 weeks. Partner wasnt very supportive wouldnt attend scans with me always made an excuse ie work etc. I booked a private scan at a time he couldnt get out of and he came though he had no interest in being there. Once he saw the baby he mellowed and even took me looking at prams afterwards. That was 5 weeks ago. He has been picking arguments always going out to the gym called me fat and ugly on a few occasions when I have asked what the lack of affection was about. Last tuesday he picked an argument and walked out on me and the children. On thursday night I was in a lot of pain and started to bleed.. Rang and asked him to take me to hospital he refused. He wouldnt even come watch the children. A neighbour watched them for me. I had to stay in. Scan showed I suffered a partial placental abruption. I again tried to call him as did hospital he ignored us all. I had no one to mind children so against doctors advice i discharged myself. On friday my Grandma died. He hasnt asked how I was until yesterday. He the told me he wished baby had died. He said he left because i nag a lot (probably true but he does nothing in house) and that he is never coming back. I asked about children when he wanted them and that we needed financial support he refused. This is out of character he has totally changed. I have wondered if there is someone else. I feel so down and heartbroken. How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work. Any advice? sorry its so long

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 10:54:36

Cut contact sounds good, stressed - in fact you seem to be dealing with it remarkably well! Don't be lonely - post on here in the evenings!

You're right, he's playing 'the game'. 'It's all your fault' - well, he's following the script. He wants to have an 'excuse' for leaving his you and dc, so has to find fault somewhere, anywhere. You can't force him to see the dc. You can't force them to want to see him.

Honestly - read some of the threads of other women, left with dc, left pregnant, left in debt. The bastard DPs in all of those follow the same pattern. Blame the missus, dump the kids, live the high old life. They have no idea what they are chucking away.

Karma normally bites them in the bum, soon enough.

My favourite comment from one such 'scorned' wife - 'I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold!'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Nov-12 11:30:54

Someone who posted on Relationships often remarked that her ex who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery and then accused her of being bossy, would resist any attempt on her part to put in place reasonable arrangements when sorting out access and parenting of their DC by calling her "pathetic and ridiculous".

It's like they are holding up a mirror, calling you names that apply to themselves. Easy for me sitting here to say, don't rise to the bait. You are holding the family together, ignore his efforts to belittle you, stick to the practicalities.

PS Go through a baby name book and pick one you like, why would he get any say in a baby's name when he wanted you to abort?

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:33:50

I agree that he is making excuses for walking out. I also feel like he is trying to teach me a lesson and wants things his way even now incase he ever decides he wants to come back.
I have been up all night with my 4 year old with a high temp and screaming in pain with earache I am exhausted. I just feel its so unfair. I have no idea how he sleeps at night sad
I am 22 weeks now and weigh 8kg less than I did at 7 weeks booking appointment. ( im big anyway) but I find it worrying. I am still suffering with morning sickness ( he says i do it on purpose despite the fact he has seen me be sick just because of a smell) and with everything thats happened i have zero appetite.( again its my fault). Im doing the best I can in the circumstance I am in.

RalphGnu Sat 24-Nov-12 11:41:14

Completely shock on your behalf.

Don't really have any advice to give you, but do have a hug. (( ))

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Nov-12 11:47:17

angry Remember this moment next time he strolls round to see his children for 10 minutes however pale or underweight (baggy clothes? late nights shagging?) he may look.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:58:57

I feel like going mad every time i see him..(which thankfully isnt often) That would just play into his hands though. I need to get myself sorted and stop moping ... I keep thinking tomorrow i will wake up stronger and not be bothered but its like ground hog day sad

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 12:11:26

Stressed- you are so strong, you know it. You are there for your children, you are growing a tiny baby, - it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! He is a arse.

Im doing the best I can in the circumstance I am in. - you are doing more than that. Remember that too when he 'decides he wants to move back in'! angry I hope you can see, well before he decides that, that you do not need him, his insults, or his abuse!

Sorry that you are still feeling rough and sick. Takje care of yourself (asmuch as you can, with 6 dc to care for)

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 24-Nov-12 12:13:29

jesus christ.

What a pathetic excuse for a human being he is. As hard as it is i think you really need to protect yourself mentally, from this "man". I would get legal advice asap, benefits advice, talk to your doctor/midwife about the lack of support and having no family to help, and enlist absolutely every shred of help and support there is out there, while fixing in your own mind that this man does not deserve you, your children, your home, your unborn baby, or anything else that could make him happy. Do not give him any option of coming back - he is acting like a spoilt child and i think the moment you stand up to him, the moment you find the mental and emotional strength to effectively tell him to fuck off, you will be so much happier.
He has treated you so badly.

Contact your local Homestart group too - they can really help you with the practicalities and the kids, shopping, any thing really.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 14:13:56

Thanks for the support. I dont think he has any intentions of coming back, we have split up before but this time its different. I need to except i am on my own now and start building a life for the children and I. He is acting like a spoilt child your so right.I just need to keep strong and stop letting him get to me. Even after all the hurt that he caused I tried to protect him from himself because I know down the line he will have regrets. I now realise its not my place and he will have to find out for himself only so much you can do. Im making my self desperate in the process. Things like this make you realise just who you can rely on and who you cant im learning fast.

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 20:04:33

vicar is so right - he is a pathetic excuse for a DP! You do need to accept you are on your own(and so much better for it) = please get any help you can.

You are strong. Of course you can do this - there is no alternative. You have dc, they will reward you.

Don't try to protect him from from himself. He is an idiot. Let him find that out himself. Not your problem. You have enough to worry about. He is an arse.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 20:55:37

I know captain. I think I am too nice for my own good. I always have been I have a lot of work to do on myself. People see me as an easy target and use me until. I am easily taken in by peoples sob stories and will help anyone but no one ever helps me. He came for the boys today and my 4 year old refused to go with him. He said I had been telling him not to go I would never do that.

skyebluesapphire Sat 24-Nov-12 21:41:22

Stressed - can you get some counselling? I think that it would do you good. Ive been having counselling since XH walked out and my counsellor identified that I always end up "rescuing" people..... It sounds like you could be the same and maybe if you talked to somebody about whats going on, it may help...

As Donkey quotes above (and I think she may just be talking about me... lol), my XH resisted my attempts to sort contact by email saying that I was dictating to him, he did indeed call me ridiculous and pathetic, etc, then as soon as we got into mediation, he agreed to all I had suggested.....

my DD is 4 and if she said she didn't want to go with XH, I would text him and tell him and say to come and get her but be forewarned that she is saying that she doesnt want to go. (I did this 2 weeks ago when she had a bad earache) and on the day she did choose to go with him.

Regarding the sickness, I was sick right up to 22 weeks and gone. i am a big person too and when I gave birth I was 10kg lighter than when I got pregnant! My appetite went when pregnant and also disappeared again when XH left... so tell your X that it is quite normal in times of stress......

I too tried to "save my ex from himself". i was sure that he was going through some sort of crisis or breakdown and tried to overlook everything as it was all so out of character......

sadly, it is a well known pattern.... the only way that they can leave their children is to demonise the wife, so that in their mind you become so bad that they cant live with you any longer.....

You are doing very well and thinking very clearly. well done

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:34:39

My son has actually been up all night and he has an ear infection (just been at out of hours docs for 3 hours) Maybe thats why he was off with him. He was crying for his dad in the night when he didnt feel well and obviously he isnt here so maybe he was feeling a little bit angry with him. The three year old has always been a real handful since he left he has been a changed child. I cant believe the difference in 11 days. Ex asked when he started to be good I honestly replied the day you left- he was furious. Im not saying it will last but we will see.
Yes I cant save him from himself he is going to have to learn the hard way. At first I wanted him back but I miss him less each day he is gone and every nasty thing he says.
As for losing weight glad Im not the only one he had me questioning myself for a while. I think its a case of he cant be the reason im losing weight so it must be something im doing.. Again no blame on his part.

Any tips on surviving christmas lol? I Think I will find it hard. I dont like christmas as it is and find it mega stressful so this might push me over the edge.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 00:25:11

Hope your DS is feeling better and you are getting the rest you need.

You are doing remarkably well given what you have had/have to cope with. I know that you probably don't think you are, but reading your posts, there's a definite change in you. I'm sure you feel all wobbly still and you will have many wobbles to come, but it will pass.

My best friend, pregnant and with a small child, had a husband who walked out on her. She had a breakdown in the middle of the street and she sat in the middle of a high street and could not stop crying. A stranger stopped and basically said to her that whatever she was going through (my friend wasn't asked) it would pass. She told her to take it one second at a time, one minute at a time. See, she said, you have survived with it for a minute. She went on to say, yes, look its been five minutes and you've survived for that long. You can do this. This kind stranger stayed with for over half an hour. My friend was able to cope with the crisis

I think maybe you can approach your life like this. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Think about what's best for you, your DC and your unborn baby, don't worry about him, he's a grown man. Whatever, emotional/verbal abuse he throws at you, you can survive it and you can move on. Stay strong.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 00:27:50

Christmas:do you have any family or friends you can visit? Do you have any money (sorry I can't remember)? If so, can you go away somewhere and have someone else take care of the dinner/meet Santa etc?

captainmummy Sun 25-Nov-12 10:40:08

Popmusic - what a sad story! Glad your friend is ok, but so sad for her being in that situation. Stressed - she is right though, it will pass. Every minute you are away from him, the stronger you become.

Why did your 3yo's behaviour change when he went? Was he abusive to the dc too? Even if it isn't directly aimed at them, the dc will have picked it up. You are all better off now.

Christmas - I dislike it too, but I've come to terms with it now. I don't do the big thing. I throw some decorations around, put up the old plastic tree. The dc get a few presents, including stuff like socks and pants, and a stocking with chocs in. I do a turkey, but it's no more hassle than a sunday dinner; I don't do starters or puddings; no-one likes xmas pudding or mince pies anyway. The best bit is having the dc around, playing board games or their new computer games. I have the MIL and my ex (We get on well) for the meal, that's it. Not too much pressure, just family; no competing to have the best dressed tree, the outfit, the home-cooked biscuits.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 18:05:34

Yes, it IS a sad story, but the point was she got through it by using the philosophy of one second, one minute etc. She went through hell because her husband was a complete tosser to her and she was on AD whilst pregnant (after this incidence) but she got coped, she survived and eventually she began to thrive. Her's is a courageous tale, although at the time she did not feel courageous at all - far from it.

DebK2012 Sun 25-Nov-12 18:28:41

I'm in Wigan. Whereabouts is your village? smile

educatingarti Tue 27-Nov-12 13:51:50

Just posting because I've read your comments and feel for you! I hope you are OK. It must be difficult coping alone with your dcs and being pregnant!

With regards to Christmas, try and keep it simple. A lot of stress comes from somehow thinking you have to do everything to make it mega-wonderful. You don't! The mega-wonderful all amazing Christmas sold to us in adverts is just fantasy to try and get us to buy more stuff.

Shop within your budget. Some of your dc's may be old enough to understand that there's not too much money about and that you won't be able to buy lots of Christmas things. Explain it to them and say you won't be able to buy many things but you are hoping you can still have some fun together as a family in ways that don't cost much money. They may have some suggestions of things they'd like to do. The littler ones won't understand the value of money properly anyway and will probably enjoy it just as much unwrapping inexpensive things like a small bar of chocolate or a fun item from the pound shop. Look in charity shops for toys especially for your younger ones. If they still get to unwrap it, they will be happy and probably won't realise it is second hand!

Your children will actually value your time and attention as much as anything. Try and plan simple things to do together. A walk/visit to park or playing a family game of frizbee/football in the park (if not too muddy and wet!), working on a jigsaw together (there are often lots in charity shops). Buy a Radio/TV times for the Christmas period and work out what good films/programmes you would like to watch together (you can make it a bit of a "family movie" session if you serve a bit a bit of popcorn or crisps or something). What about baking a basic sponge cake together and covering with white icing to be a "christmas" cake? - It doesn't have to be the trad fruit cake. Would your dc's enjoy attending a child-friendly local church carol service? A way to be festive without any cost! Try and plan something for most days over the holiday. Even if it is just watching a particular film on tv or going for a walk. By planning a few things your dc's may be less likely to get "cabin fever" and start scraps and arguments.

educatingarti Tue 27-Nov-12 14:04:05

PS - just re-read my post and realised it sounds like a lot to do when you are also suffering so much with your health. Maybe try and decide what your top priorities are and just try and do those.

Other things I'm thinking - if you could possibly get to a Citizen's Advice Centre, they should be able to advise you on the legal side of things and whether you are entitled to any benefits ( does your 13 year old autistic son get DLA - he may be entitled to it?). I'd see if you can phone them first as they usually do an initial interview and then book you in for a proper appointment with an advisor at another time. Given your health problems, they night be able to book you a proper appointment over the phone?

You might also want to consider phoning your children's schools and asking to speak to the head teacher or head of year and let them know what has happened. This will mean they can look out specially for your dc's and help them if they seem to be upset or understand if they show any behavioural changes.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 14:15:39

How are you, Stressed81? So much encouragement here, hope your poorly son is better but hope you are keeping yourself as well as you can, take care.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 23:19:42

Read half of thread only but felt angry so need to post! Sorry if I repeat someone else though.

Call CSA. Get them onto him sooner rather than later. This way you get back payment as of now.
Tell him you will start freecycling his things next week, so he had better hurry up and sort himself out if he isn't living under your roof or supporting you with his kids.

Figure out the birth nearer the time. My ex did this to me, first pg though so nothing like your stress of other kids, and I felt changeable towards him all the way through. My hormones were all over the place and I really struggled to be clear headed in my thought process. I half felt he could fuck of to the far side of fuck (etc) but half that he would bond with the baby and realise what a tit he had been given half the chance. In my case I should have stuck with the first option, but my ex is indeed a total fucktard. Yours may just be having a midlife fucktardis, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. You need more support than this. If he can't give it, you need to chop him off and focus on your nesting and your babies to stay strong enough.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 23:33:27

OK, just caught up with more recent posts.
The 'it's all your fault' thing NEVER goes away. My ex has been saying this since he left me at 16wks He is currently pretending we never had a relationship at all (despite not denying DD is his) and taking us to tribunal to avoid CSA.

He hasn't asked after DD for 11months (missed her 1st and only 2 weeks ago asked for a pic, nothing else.

Now he tells me he has just lost his job. Despite me not seeing him for 11 months and him being the one taking us to Court, this is apparently MY FAULT as he is so stressed about the CSA chasing him. He regularly texts me nasty messages and emails about other issues I have caused him since he left:
It is also my fault he is 6k in debt apparently for legal advice for tribunal.
It is also my fault he recently lost his g.f
It is also my fault that he had to move a few months ago.
It is also my fault his ex and her family won't talk to him

And as his life goes on, more and more will be attributed to me I am sure.
This man ruined my pregnancy and first few months of my DD's life for me. I urge you to really cut what you can and have as little contact with this man as possible. Only talk about the kids. Anything else he will use as ammunition against you to make himself feel justified.

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