Contact rules with ex

[crispycremes]

Reposted from AIBU

Apologies for lenth of this.

My ex ( split since DS was tiny- I now have a second DS with new partner and expecting) and I are have some massive probs. We did got on great til a few months ago. ( birthdays spent with his family, mine and fiances all together- he spent xmas last yr at my mums with us all etc)

However he has turned very nasty and rude and IMO rather negletful of DS needs. My son is picked up on Friday and dropped off Sunday every fortnight. Ex lives hr away.

I moved here 4 yrs ago and he stopped paying maitenence as petrol was expensive and hes struggling. I told him fine til he gets back on feet- I understand being hard up and contact is important to me. However.. this is a long time and hes opened his own business (car yard) since then as well as having an employed ft job.

He is still refusing to pay a penny saying now that he lost his employed job and is jobseekers( still owns yard?) And that I should just go to CSA as he is sick of scrounging of him. o i agreed re csa and asked for his new address ( just moved in with gf) He told me he was homeless!? ( i KNOW hes not) When I informed him that they will take £5 per wk out, he called me a dirty little dickhead and hung up. This was Friday night after he called me at 9.45 to say he was just leaving to pick DS up. Told him bit late did he want to pick up Sat morn early? HE rearranged til nxt wkend as its hassle?!

I am also concerned about DS there recently. He often comes back in same boxers and socks he left in and having not had a bath or shower all wkend. Last time he hadnt eaten ALL day that sunday. He very often has no breakfast or dinner there on sunday and comes back quite late so have to get something quick down him. He spends the whole wkend at the yard and then they get bk on Sat night late and DS watches films with his dad and his dads mates.. The last 2 films he watched there? End of days & The dictator. I was not impressed to say the least.

So yeserday I txt him asking to call when he has a minute. He rang me in evening and I told him I need an address before I send DS overnight. He offered me his brothers ( in Scotland- we are SE England) I insisted on the one where DS will be staying, he still refuses. I also asked that DS be picked up 5-6pm on a Friday & dropped off by 6pm on Sunday. That he has 3 meals on per day Sat & Sun & at least 1 bath/shower over wkend. And that if none of above is possible then perhaps he could pick DS up Sat morn after breakfast & drop off before dinner, then again on the Sunday.

Through out this he called me a dirty cunt, a whorebag, a lowlife scummy mother, a selfcentred bitch etc etc . He also said he thinks he will get a restaining order against me due to asking him for maitenence. He says Im daaging my son if I follow through with day only access and havnt I already damaged him enough etc. Then he hung up so it was a pointless 1 sided convo. It was also quite echoey so think I may have been on loudspeaker/ or recorded

AIBU to request these things? I dont want to step over a line, but DS welfare is important to me & the last few months he has been difficult and rude and enough is enough

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think, when faced with someone so abusive and uncooperative, that you have to go the legal route about contact and maintenance rather than think you can keep things amicable. No idea why things have changed so radically recently but you can't go on subjecting yourself to that kind of behaviour. The phrase you want is 'talk to my solicitor'...

[crispycremes]

Thankyou for reply. Has anyone experienced this, and what did you do?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

They go to a solicitor.

[Lovingfreedom]

Sometimes even talk of going to a solicitor does the trick. My ex quite often talks in pseudo-legal terms and threatens legal things. So I say 'OK, I'll wait to hear from your solicitor'. That almost always pre-empts a pause followed by a much more reasonable approach. I have a pretty good family lawyer who will give basic advice over the phone (without charge) and I trust to tell me when and how I need to involve the law. It's worth getting a recommendation and using someone you feel you can trust.

[Lovingfreedom]

Beyond that my advice would be only communicate via email and only respond to essential matters involving times, places etc for drop off/pick up of kids; plus essential medical/educational matters. Ignore the rest...don't rise to the bait.

[clam]

And if he was recording that call, then he won't exactly have come out of it smelling if roses, will he? Calling you vile things like that.

Go the legal route. I would not be sending my son at all for the time being, actually.

[crispycremes]

Think I will see if I can get a free half hr with solicitor. Its made me quite sad actually as I want him to sort it out before DS realises theres a prob