Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust, Insecurities and all that jazz!!!

(14 Posts)
sausageroll25 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:38:30

Just after opinions from peoples past experiences.

Do you think it depends on the person your with to how secure you feel within your relationship? or is it purely a problem of the person who is feeling insecure?

The reason I ask is I have been with my current partner for a couple of years,and from the begining I have struggled with feeling settled and secure.

We had a few issues with a women who kept texting and phoning who he works with and he lied and told me she wasn't in touch with him anymore when she was.
But he did say he was just protecting me from things that weren't important enough to talk about, and I do believe she isnt in touch anymore.
A few weeks into seeing him he also liked to tell me that married women come on to him all the time at work too! ( he's a personal trainer)

I had voices in my head saying 'run' but I never did !

Two years on a I dont think I've had a single week where I feel secure and settled , I struggle with his job after what he's said .
Even though this was so long ago now , and he recently said it was bullshit !!

But I do love this man and its not easy to just walk away when feelings are involved.

He is understanding and very patient, but he is gradually becoming worn down and I need to get head straight, I no he loves me but its screwing my relationship up.

Before him I was with my exp for 10yrs, Ive never felt like this before.

Can a certain person just make us feel like this, when another may not or should I be stronger and stop being so stupid !?!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 10:41:54

Wellllll... you didn't feel like it before you were with him, and he has done at least two things that give you cause not to trust him; so even if he's behaved perfectly ever since, you do have some justification. How very good of him to be understanding and patient about insecurities that he caused by his crass earlier behaviour!

Feeling a bit of an LTB moment coming on here.

dequoisagitil Tue 20-Nov-12 10:45:56

It's not like this is coming out of nowhere, 'though. He did lie to you at one point, so your insecurity is based on the fact he has shown you he can be dishonest. Lies to 'protect' you are such bullshit.

If you have never spent one week of your time together feeling secure then it isn't working. I don't think you can decide you're being stupid and will yourself to trust someone - if it's not there after 2 years, maybe it's time to call it quits.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:53:36

I tend to think that if you don't trust someone it's for a reason. You've given a few reasons to be unsure about him... the lying would be top of the list for me. Him telling you he gets lots of women coming onto him sounds like arrogance btw & is not a great personality trait. So he's been dishonest on the one hand and bragging on the other. Does he do anything at all to compensate or do you think he enjoys your insecurity?

The question I'd be asking myself was whether I'd be able to trust him better if he had a completely different job, had less contact with women etc. And, if not, whether there was something more fundamentally wrong.

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 12:54:41

This would be a bit of a red flag to me (now).

My husband when we first met was still in touch with his ex and even met her a couple of times after we got together. The first time he told me about it and the second time he lied. I found out and he said he lied to stop me worrying about it.

He also used to say that women found him very attractive and he worked in a female dominated industry.

Fast forward a few years and he's had two affairs and has left me and the kids to shack up with the latest one.

If he's already lying I'd be careful. People who are comfortable telling lies usually continue to feel comfortable telling lies.

sausageroll25 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:51:02

Just had another big arguement,and i've left. Feeling a bit wobbly now. But I have to believe I'm doing the right thing?? For so long i've felt so rubbish about myself
I've forgotton who I am. Please someone tell me Ive done the right thing

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 19:54:25

You're doing the right thing. If you can't be yourself within your relationship them you're not in the right relationship.

You deserve better.


avenueone Tue 20-Nov-12 20:00:33

A happy life awaits you. You only have this one little life - enjoy it.

sausageroll25 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:02:32

Thanku for replying
Ive tried to please him for so long and still felt so lonely in the process.
Im just bit scared now though

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 20:09:50

It is scary, that feeling of being on your own. ((( hugs))). But it's better and easier than being with a selfish, inconsiderate arse of a man. Life really is far too short to waste time on unpleasant people and in a relationship that's making you unhappy. You're very brave.

dequoisagitil Tue 20-Nov-12 21:05:28

If you've felt lonely and insecure all this time, then you have absolutely made the right decision. Being actually alone is better than feeling lonely with someone.

You will now have a chance at meeting a better guy who you do feel safe and totally connected with. Of course it's scary, but in the long run you won't be sorry.

sausageroll25 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:12:45

I no your took everything I had to leave tonight,Im sitting in my empty flat wondering what has happened.

dequoisagitil Tue 20-Nov-12 21:19:16

What happened was, you made a good decision.

No point throwing good years after bad. Relationships really aren't supposed to be hard - a good relationship encourages you and makes you happy - you don't expend all your mental energy working out ways to make him love you or stay faithful or worry over he's doing.

You have a shiny new future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 08:44:30

You may be wondering what happened for the short-term but I think you'll achieve your objective of feeling more secure and settled quite quickly. Be kind to yourself, get some friends round to fill your empty flat, maybe even book a holiday or something else fun to look forward to. Hope you're feeling more sure of your decision this morning.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: