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Rules for contact with ex?

(20 Posts)
crispycremes Tue 20-Nov-12 09:53:41

Apologies for lenth of this.

My ex ( split since DS was tiny- I now have a second DS with new partner and expecting) and I are have some massive probs. We did got on great til a few months ago. ( birthdays spent with his family, mine and fiances all together- he spent xmas last yr at my mums with us all etc)

However he has turned very nasty and rude and IMO rather negletful of DS needs. My son is picked up on Friday and dropped off Sunday every fortnight. Ex lives hr away.

I moved here 4 yrs ago and he stopped paying maitenence as petrol was expensive and hes struggling. I told him fine til he gets back on feet- I understand being hard up and contact is important to me. However.. this is a long time and hes opened his own business (car yard) since then as well as having an employed ft job.

He is still refusing to pay a penny saying now that he lost his employed job and is jobseekers( still owns yard?) And that I should just go to CSA as he is sick of scrounging of him. o i agreed re csa and asked for his new address ( just moved in with gf) He told me he was homeless!? ( i KNOW hes not) When I informed him that they will take £5 per wk out, he called me a dirty little dickhead and hung up. This was Friday night after he called me at 9.45 to say he was just leaving to pick DS up. Told him bit late did he want to pick up Sat morn early? HE rearranged til nxt wkend as its hassle?!

I am also concerned about DS there recently. He often comes back in same boxers and socks he left in and having not had a bath or shower all wkend. Last time he hadnt eaten ALL day that sunday. He very often has no breakfast or dinner there on sunday and comes back quite late so have to get something quick down him. He spends the whole wkend at the yard and then they get bk on Sat night late and DS watches films with his dad and his dads mates.. The last 2 films he watched there? End of days & The dictator. I was not impressed to say the least.

So yeserday I txt him asking to call when he has a minute. He rang me in evening and I told him I need an address before I send DS overnight. He offered me his brothers ( in Scotland- we are SE England) I insisted on the one where DS will be staying, he still refuses. I also asked that DS be picked up 5-6pm on a Friday & dropped off by 6pm on Sunday. That he has 3 meals on per day Sat & Sun & at least 1 bath/shower over wkend. And that if none of above is possible then perhaps he could pick DS up Sat morn after breakfast & drop off before dinner, then again on the Sunday.

Through out this he called me a dirty cunt, a whorebag, a lowlife scummy mother, a selfcentred bitch etc etc . He also said he thinks he will get a restaining order against me due to asking him for maitenence. He says Im daaging my son if I follow through with day only access and havnt I already damaged him enough etc. Then he hung up so it was a pointless 1 sided convo. It was also quite echoey so think I may have been on loudspeaker/ or recorded

AIBU to request these things? I dont want to step over a line, but DS welfare is important to me & the last few months he has been difficult and rude and enough is enough.

ImperialStateKnickers Tue 20-Nov-12 09:57:18

YANBU at all. Family breakdown is not something I know much about, but I'm sure someone else will be along v. soon with some wise suggestions.

blackeyedsusan Tue 20-Nov-12 10:00:15

write everything down. you have good reason to cut back on contact if he is not feeding his son. if he complains about this then you can give your reasons fo reducing contact. I think legal advice is alays a good idea... proper legal advice not just mn wisdom (or lack thereof) grin

CremeEggThief Tue 20-Nov-12 10:02:36

What you are asking for is more than reasonable. How dare he speak to you in such an abusive way? If I were you, I would arrange a free or low-cost appointment with a solicitor to discuss contact and your concerns about your DS's welfare.

sanityseeker75 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:07:44

YANBU - I am a SM and I also have an EX, I always ensure my DSC are fed showered and homework done before they go home (we have contact EW) and likewise when Ex has DS I expect the same (Ex has DS one weekend a month). In fairness I do have to text Ex a whole list of this is what needs to be done and this is how to do it (we spilt 10 years ago!). If I don't there is always some trauma when DS comes home because something is forgotten and then it is me running around like a nutter trying to get DS ready for school next day.

If I am being honest would DH do all the stuff that needs to be done with DSC if I wasn't there - haha no, but as a mom I understand the frustrations and know that it is not good for kids to not see mom and then get home and deal with moms stress because dads incompetence.

I would carefully lay out ground rules of this is what has to happen if you have him and then if it doesn't happen as for DS back earlier so you can deal with everyday stuff - how old is DS?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Tue 20-Nov-12 10:10:52

Have a chat with a solicitor, and don't let this knobbish man intimidate you. Stopping contact on the grounds that he is not feeding or caring for DS is perfectly reasonable.

crispycremes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:12:53

Thankyou for the quick replies. I really dont know what I can do. I will take advice and write this down and take it to solicitors. I ask him if there is probs hes having personally and why talk to me this way and he says its because Im a cunt so hes obv going to talk to me like 1.
Is there another place I can post this ( new to forum) as I not only want to aibu but what I can do about situation as well.

crispycremes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:14:40

Crossed post with last 2.. Ds is 10yr

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 10:20:34

Right, stop engaging with this idiot man. Dont make any more phone calls or engage in texts etc. Go to a family solicitor. All communication about contact will then go via your solicitor and he wont be able to be so bloody vile to you. You tell the solicitor exactly what you told us in your OP and you say that under the circs you feel a period of supervised contact in a contact centre is necessary. This will send ex a couple of messages.
1. That he cant use your son as an excuse to be verbally abusive towards you.
2. That it isnt about you and him but about your son.
3. That you will not be intimidated by his drivel.

You contact the CSA and let them handle the maintenance. He would be laughed at if he even attempted to get a restraining order against you, infact he would probably be told off for timewasting.

Hand it all over to the professionals. Your son deserves better than this and you can provide that when you disengage from this man.

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 10:21:57

Report your OP and ask HQ to move it to relationships or Legal

Justforlaughs Tue 20-Nov-12 10:26:45

Doesn't sound from your OP as if YABU.

crispycremes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:27:48

Thankyou twinkle, do I have grounds for supervised contact and does it not affect the child? I dont know about these things much.

ImperialStateKnickers Tue 20-Nov-12 10:32:25

Definitely repost in Relationships and Legal, there are several family solicitors who regularly visit those bits of the site. Good luck.

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 10:48:01

Yes you have HUGE grounds for supervised contact - your ex hasnt been feeding your child. Thats neglect and is very serious. You would probably have grounds based purely on the fact that your ex is being vile and abusive to you tbh without adding in everything else. It effects the child positively in that he will be in a nice safe space where you have dropped him, his Dad will not "forget" to feed and wash him and he wont be exposed to inappropriate films or be bored stiff at a car shop all weekend. It will be a positive time for him and his Dad to sit down and actually spend time together. If his Dad cant manage that then it just shows he has no interest in your DS other than as a power play - I am Dad, I want child because Im entitled to - as opposed to "I love spending time with my son".

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 10:49:50

It will also let your ex know that he needs to get his act together if he wants unsupervised contact - he will either do this and promise to do quality activities with his son, provide meals and baths etc or he wont in which case my last sentence above applies again!!

crispycremes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:55:51

I think that how you put it gives it a different twist. I slightly worry that DS would be distressed at a centre, however reading your advice I can see that it wouldnt be like that really. Do u know anything about these centres? IE what they do there etc

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 11:43:59

I think in all honesty that hes going to be far more distressed if hes shipped off to his Dads every week not knowing whether he will be fed or not. I dont know a great deal - my 19mo will be seeing her father in one if he is actually bothered enough to turn up in court so the circs are slightly diff - im not sure what applies with older DC. I imagine a spot of googling and talking to a solicitor would give you more info. I do honestly think it would be far more constructive than your son wandering around a car shop all weekend.

TwinkleReturns Tue 20-Nov-12 11:56:54

This site has some good info about contact centres in the UK.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 20-Nov-12 14:57:16


We've moved this to 'Relationships' now - good luck to the OP

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 21-Nov-12 11:42:22

It sounds like your XP is using his 'right to contact' as a way of bullying and harassing you, because he enjoys doing so. If you move to supervised contact and refuse and block any direct contact between him and you, he may give up and fuck off. Which by the sound of it would do your son no harm.

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